The "S" Word

Sex.

That's a loaded word and a topic I have avoided on my blog. There are boundaries. . .I'm not going to talk about my sex life. . .but there is a way to talk about sex in general in an appropriate way.

I stumbled across a blog a few weeks ago that is written by Sheila Wray Gregoire. She is an author, blogger, speaker, a Christian, a wife, and a mother. Her blog is titled To Love, Honor and Vacuum and this month (the month of February) she is writing a series called 29 Days to Great Sex which is leading up to the release of her new book, A Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex.

I began reading her blog series out of curiosity because it's rare to find anything about sex that is written from a Christian point of view. In fact, sex is often seen as a "bad" word and is usually an avoided topic amongst Christians. It's hard to find something that is open and honest about sex without being trashy. Because of this, so many people enter a sexual relationship (married or otherwise) completely unprepared for all that it entails.

We all grow up having learned about sex through some means. Some of us might have had parents who had "the talk" with us and some might have learned through friends, sex education class, media, experience, or all of the above. My mom had "the talk" with me but it was vague and centered on a classroom mouse. I learned far more about sex through friends and media than I did from "the talk." I distinctly remember my mom telling me that if I had any questions about sex that I was to ask her, not my friends, but I didn't know what questions to ask and even if I did, I didn't feel comfortable bringing them up with my mom. And let's face it, the first time I heard the term "blow job" I wasn't with my mom, I was with my friends. So, no matter if our parents had "the talk" with us or not, we most likely learned about sex through friends, media, and experience. This isn't a good thing because sex is strongly misrepresented to us, especially through media. Sex is made to look fun, easy, and nothing but a physical act that can be done with anyone, for any reason, at any time, and bearing no consequences. Sex has been cheapened and perverted. It has become a means for a man to get a physical release and a woman to get attention that she convinces herself is love. Sex has been so perverted from God's good and amazing purpose for it.

This even happens in marriage. For women, sex can become a chore and can even be non-satisfying in every way. For men, sex can become just a means to an end. Sex is meant for marriage between a man and a woman. Within the context of marriage, sex can be very good. So why are there so many married couples who have very unsatisfying sex lives?

I actually wasn't aware of how bad all of this was until I started reading Sheila's blog. I wasn't aware of how many couples struggle with having satisfying sex lives and I wasn't aware of how badly this false representation of sex is hurting us. It has got me thinking and has really shaped my view of sex. It has ignited in me a desire to speak out against this false understanding of sex and to see other married couples experience a satisfying sex life.

This may sound strange but let me explain. I don't just want other married couples to experience the physical pleasure that can come with having sex but rather understand, accept, and experience the full package. Sex is not just physical. It is also emotional and spiritual (intimate). It is a sacred act between husband and wife.

Since getting married, I have learned how vital sex is in a marriage. It isn't just a "bonus" or an added pleasure. It is a vital component to having a good relationship with your spouse outside of the bedroom. The longer I've been married the more I find this to be true. This is true because sex isn't just a shallow physical act. Within a marriage, sex provides not only physical pleasure, but an emotional and intimate bond that feeds our desire to be wanted, needed, and loved. Even for the man, his deepest desire is not a physical release but to know that he is wanted and loved.  

Side Note: Wives, if you are not having regular sex with your husband, not only is he suffering physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. He's suffering spiritually because without you, he's facing even greater temptation to find physical release through some other means. And he's suffering emotionally because he is not feeling desired by you which in turn makes him feel unloved.

So we all have a desire to be loved and we can experience the fulfillment of this desire in the most intimate of ways. Sex can be fulfilling for both the man and the woman when all three aspects of sex (physical, emotional, and spiritual) come into play. This is the way God meant for sex to be. He meant for it to be a physical, emotional, and spiritual act between a husband and wife that satisfies their desire to be loved. He did not mean for it to be a shallow physical act. He did not mean for it to be pornographic and perverted. He meant for it to be a deeply intimate act shared between a husband and wife that strengthens their marriage and their relationship with Him.

This takes work. I think that is probably one of the most surprising things for a person to discover about sex. It takes work. It isn't like those scenes in the movies where both partners passionately dive into bed, both knowing what they are doing, both being physically satisfied, both finding it easy, fun, and needing no commitment. Those scenes are lies. Sex takes work and in order for the work to be done there has to be a commitment. Every sexual encounter is not like those scenes in the movies. It isn't always that easy or fun. It isn't always satisfying. There is a lot more to it than the movies let on. Sex is not just passionate, it is vulnerable, highly vulnerable. That is a hard place to be for many of us. In order to be vulnerable, we have to let our guard down, we have to show ourselves. That can be scary. But when done within the context of a committed marriage, it is a beautiful, freeing experience.

I want to look at the other side for a moment. What is sex like when done outside of marriage? Well, physically it can be good but outside of marriage those other two aspects are either nonexistent or only vaguely present. The spiritual side of it, I would argue, would have to be nonexistent because God does not bless pre-marital sex. Even if sex is physically good outside of marriage, without those other two aspects, all it is is shallow, shameful, sinful, and full of hurt. If you have had sex outside of marriage you have not experienced it in the way it was meant to be, you have only cheapened it and have caused problems for yourself and your relationship with God. I know this because I had sex before I was married. As a result, I felt ashamed, guilty, and it hurt my relationship with Kyle, with God, and even my marriage. Pre-marital sex will effect your marriage and your marital sex life. Even if it has been a while, the baggage will venture into your marriage and wreck its havoc. I believe God had grace on me and my marriage because the consequences that were faced, even though they hurt, could have been a lot worse. He gave me the strength to deal with the shame and hurt of past mistakes and focus on building a healthy marriage. It is only by His grace that any of us can have satisfying marital sex lives. I believe that God wants us to have fulfilling marriages and He wants us to experience sex in the way He created it to be. It is an intimate and holy expression of committed love that was given to us by God Himself. It is meant to physically, emotionally, and spiritually blow our minds. ;)


There is plenty more that can be said but I'll leave that to Sheila. Please check out her blog and read her sex series. Also, check out her book! It will be available for Kindle on February 28th and available in print on March 10th.