The "S" Word

Sex.

That's a loaded word and a topic I have avoided on my blog. There are boundaries. . .I'm not going to talk about my sex life. . .but there is a way to talk about sex in general in an appropriate way.

I stumbled across a blog a few weeks ago that is written by Sheila Wray Gregoire. She is an author, blogger, speaker, a Christian, a wife, and a mother. Her blog is titled To Love, Honor and Vacuum and this month (the month of February) she is writing a series called 29 Days to Great Sex which is leading up to the release of her new book, A Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex.

I began reading her blog series out of curiosity because it's rare to find anything about sex that is written from a Christian point of view. In fact, sex is often seen as a "bad" word and is usually an avoided topic amongst Christians. It's hard to find something that is open and honest about sex without being trashy. Because of this, so many people enter a sexual relationship (married or otherwise) completely unprepared for all that it entails.

We all grow up having learned about sex through some means. Some of us might have had parents who had "the talk" with us and some might have learned through friends, sex education class, media, experience, or all of the above. My mom had "the talk" with me but it was vague and centered on a classroom mouse. I learned far more about sex through friends and media than I did from "the talk." I distinctly remember my mom telling me that if I had any questions about sex that I was to ask her, not my friends, but I didn't know what questions to ask and even if I did, I didn't feel comfortable bringing them up with my mom. And let's face it, the first time I heard the term "blow job" I wasn't with my mom, I was with my friends. So, no matter if our parents had "the talk" with us or not, we most likely learned about sex through friends, media, and experience. This isn't a good thing because sex is strongly misrepresented to us, especially through media. Sex is made to look fun, easy, and nothing but a physical act that can be done with anyone, for any reason, at any time, and bearing no consequences. Sex has been cheapened and perverted. It has become a means for a man to get a physical release and a woman to get attention that she convinces herself is love. Sex has been so perverted from God's good and amazing purpose for it.

This even happens in marriage. For women, sex can become a chore and can even be non-satisfying in every way. For men, sex can become just a means to an end. Sex is meant for marriage between a man and a woman. Within the context of marriage, sex can be very good. So why are there so many married couples who have very unsatisfying sex lives?

I actually wasn't aware of how bad all of this was until I started reading Sheila's blog. I wasn't aware of how many couples struggle with having satisfying sex lives and I wasn't aware of how badly this false representation of sex is hurting us. It has got me thinking and has really shaped my view of sex. It has ignited in me a desire to speak out against this false understanding of sex and to see other married couples experience a satisfying sex life.

This may sound strange but let me explain. I don't just want other married couples to experience the physical pleasure that can come with having sex but rather understand, accept, and experience the full package. Sex is not just physical. It is also emotional and spiritual (intimate). It is a sacred act between husband and wife.

Since getting married, I have learned how vital sex is in a marriage. It isn't just a "bonus" or an added pleasure. It is a vital component to having a good relationship with your spouse outside of the bedroom. The longer I've been married the more I find this to be true. This is true because sex isn't just a shallow physical act. Within a marriage, sex provides not only physical pleasure, but an emotional and intimate bond that feeds our desire to be wanted, needed, and loved. Even for the man, his deepest desire is not a physical release but to know that he is wanted and loved.  

Side Note: Wives, if you are not having regular sex with your husband, not only is he suffering physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. He's suffering spiritually because without you, he's facing even greater temptation to find physical release through some other means. And he's suffering emotionally because he is not feeling desired by you which in turn makes him feel unloved.

So we all have a desire to be loved and we can experience the fulfillment of this desire in the most intimate of ways. Sex can be fulfilling for both the man and the woman when all three aspects of sex (physical, emotional, and spiritual) come into play. This is the way God meant for sex to be. He meant for it to be a physical, emotional, and spiritual act between a husband and wife that satisfies their desire to be loved. He did not mean for it to be a shallow physical act. He did not mean for it to be pornographic and perverted. He meant for it to be a deeply intimate act shared between a husband and wife that strengthens their marriage and their relationship with Him.

This takes work. I think that is probably one of the most surprising things for a person to discover about sex. It takes work. It isn't like those scenes in the movies where both partners passionately dive into bed, both knowing what they are doing, both being physically satisfied, both finding it easy, fun, and needing no commitment. Those scenes are lies. Sex takes work and in order for the work to be done there has to be a commitment. Every sexual encounter is not like those scenes in the movies. It isn't always that easy or fun. It isn't always satisfying. There is a lot more to it than the movies let on. Sex is not just passionate, it is vulnerable, highly vulnerable. That is a hard place to be for many of us. In order to be vulnerable, we have to let our guard down, we have to show ourselves. That can be scary. But when done within the context of a committed marriage, it is a beautiful, freeing experience.

I want to look at the other side for a moment. What is sex like when done outside of marriage? Well, physically it can be good but outside of marriage those other two aspects are either nonexistent or only vaguely present. The spiritual side of it, I would argue, would have to be nonexistent because God does not bless pre-marital sex. Even if sex is physically good outside of marriage, without those other two aspects, all it is is shallow, shameful, sinful, and full of hurt. If you have had sex outside of marriage you have not experienced it in the way it was meant to be, you have only cheapened it and have caused problems for yourself and your relationship with God. I know this because I had sex before I was married. As a result, I felt ashamed, guilty, and it hurt my relationship with Kyle, with God, and even my marriage. Pre-marital sex will effect your marriage and your marital sex life. Even if it has been a while, the baggage will venture into your marriage and wreck its havoc. I believe God had grace on me and my marriage because the consequences that were faced, even though they hurt, could have been a lot worse. He gave me the strength to deal with the shame and hurt of past mistakes and focus on building a healthy marriage. It is only by His grace that any of us can have satisfying marital sex lives. I believe that God wants us to have fulfilling marriages and He wants us to experience sex in the way He created it to be. It is an intimate and holy expression of committed love that was given to us by God Himself. It is meant to physically, emotionally, and spiritually blow our minds. ;)


There is plenty more that can be said but I'll leave that to Sheila. Please check out her blog and read her sex series. Also, check out her book! It will be available for Kindle on February 28th and available in print on March 10th.
 

Thick Skin

I came across an exert of a John Piper sermon on YouTube. It is really good and very relevant. I have posted the video here and I also transcribed it so that you can read it and follow along if you prefer.

"In America, and in little circles where I function, love and how it gets expressed is in great measure controlled by how we think people are going to feel about what we say and what we do. America these days it seems to me, and I see book titles bearing witness to it, are a people, not entirely but in large measure, with very thin skins. Very given to feeling like victims, feeling like they’re offended and they’re wounded and they are easily hurt, and therefore it’s always someone else’s problem we can put our bad feelings on. Which means that the way we express love to one another and to people we might think need a tough word gets restricted because we feel ourselves held hostage by their bad feelings. In other words, if they can convince us by body language or by words or by lifestyle that if we say this then they are gonna feel bad and we say, ‘probably not the loving thing to say.’ So instead of the bottom line of love being a principle or a biblical rule or really what’s best for people, its just feelings. How are they gonna feel if we do this or say this?  What I’m saying is Christians ought to be different from our culture. We ought to be different. We ought not to have thin skins. The church ought to be a place with thick skin. Why? Because we don’t get our significance and our stability and our security and our meaning and our worth from what people say about us! Do we? Do you? I fear many of us do. There is a constant temptation to want to be liked, to want to have people say nice things about us, we want to be approved, and to get all of our joy and strength from day to day by the echo of what is coming back to us in what we say. Bad news! That is bad, bad, bad! That is what human beings without Christ are. But we are different! Why? We are loved by God, we are chosen by God, we are forgiven by God, we are accepted by God, we are indwelt by God, we strengthened by God, we are guided by God, we are secured by God, we are surrounded by God. He is underneath, He is on top, He is everywhere. What do we care? Or do we? Do we believe it, that’s the issue. Do we believe that who we are, where we are going, how we get there, is God’s thing, not the world’s or even other Christians? And so I just plead with you not to be apart of the cultural thin skinness, so that when some hard word lands on you, true or false, some ugly criticism, some slander, or some legitimate rebuke, you don’t do like the world. The world does generally one of two things: It shrinks into a little corner of self-pity and woundedness and 'oh poor me, how could you ever do that to me, oh' or it sues you for harassment! And they are both pulling from the same issue of thin skin. People who don’t have their bearings, who don’t have roots, everything is being governed by how you come on to them. Don’t be like that!" 

So GOOD! 

Our culture is way too caught up in feelings. We feel more than we think and it is ruining us. We don't even express love the way it should be expressed because we care far too much about feelings. Love is NOT a feeling, by the way. It is an action. It is a choice. And guess what? It often hurts more than it causes happiness.

I'm not saying that we should completely disregard people's feelings. I'm not saying we should all go around hurting each others feelings on purpose. What I am saying is that the bottom line of love should be a principle, a biblical rule, truth, what is best for the person, and not how they are going to feel about it. My parents didn't discipline me based on how I would feel about it. They disciplined me because it was good for me, because they loved me, whether I felt good about it or not. The discipline always hurt, it always made me mad, but that didn't keep them from acting out of love and teaching me that there are standards by which I must live. Our culture thinks that love means we never say anything that might be hurtful, we never disagree, we never judge, and we never say someone is wrong. We all have to tip toe around people's feelings for fear we might offend someone. Sorry, but I don't want to live that way. Contrary to what the world believes, that is not love.

My friend brought something about my behavior to my attention tonight even though there was a chance I would be offended and hurt. She did it out of love because she knew my behavior was disrespectful, hurtful, and unacceptable. Most people would get offended and angry for her judgment and not accept that as love. It did sting to be called out but I want that from her. She cared enough to be bold and call me out for my good, for my benefit, so that I can become more like Jesus. THAT is love.

We get so caught up in feelings that we are completely missing the opportunity to truly love people. We are missing the opportunity for deeper relationships and for a greater understanding of what biblical love and accountability is. Feelings do not last but true love and relationships rooted in Jesus Christ do. Let go of this worldly mentality, let go of the lies our culture feeds, and find biblical truth. There is deep joy and satisfaction to be found there.

My Thoughts on the Duggar's Loss

Back in December Michelle Duggar went to her 20 week anatomy scan and they were unable to find the heartbeat of her baby. Her 20th child, a girl, had passed away. Any mother's heart would break in that moment yet there have been so many harsh opinions expressed. People are saying that this is what they get for getting pregnant again at her age and after already having so many kids. People even have the audacity to say that this loss is a sign from God to stop having kids. Even those who respect their decision to trust God question whether having more kids is wise considering how hard her last pregnancy was. What I see in these responses is heartlessness, the failure to understand how God works, and the failure to realize what trusting in God means.

A miscarriage is never a "sign" from God that this child should have never been conceived. He is the very One who brought about her conception. God had a purpose for Jubilee. We don't always understand why He does what He does and His purpose for Jubilee may never be realized but we can trust in His sovereignty. The fact that she was conceived was not a surprise to Him. The fact that she didn't come to term was also not a surprise to Him. God knew the entire time what He was doing. I can't say why He allowed Jubilee to be conceived knowing that she would never be born alive but that is where trust must enter in.

Trusting in God doesn't mean that He allows nothing but good to happen. Trusting in Him means relying on His omniscience and sovereignty even when things don't make sense. In fact, it is the tragic times that teach us to trust Him more. Just because Michelle's last pregnancy was so rough and scary doesn't mean that God can no longer be trusted. It doesn't mean that He no longer cares about them. It also doesn't mean that they should avoid going through that again. That is out of their control. I doubt Michelle would choose to have a rough pregnancy, to deal with preeclampsia, or to deliver much too early. Those things are out of her control so she trusts in God to give her a healthy pregnancy and, if problems arise, she trusts Him to work it out according to His will. That is what trust in God looks like. It's giving up control and allowing Him to do His work, whatever that may be.

God's Word says in Romans that He will "work all things together for the good of those who love God and to those who are called according to His purpose." That "working all things together" doesn't always look good to us. It will end up being good in God's eyes but the working it out is often painful for us. The Duggars are probably in pain right now as they deal with this loss but God will work this out for their good. Michelle and Jim Bob may always feel the sting of the death of their daughter but in time they will heal. There is great opportunity in this tragedy for the family to draw even closer to each other and to strengthen their faith and trust in God. There is great opportunity here for sanctification.

The world would look at this tragedy and say things like, "This is a sign to stop having kids," "they brought this on themselves," "they're just causing more pain for their family." But a person who understands what it means to trust God would look at this tragedy and say, "The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Love Is In The Air

It's Valentine's Day! The day where everyone gives out candy, flowers, valentines, and shows extra appreciation for that special someone or wishes there was a special someone to spend the day with. Being the closeted romantic that I am, I have always enjoyed Valentine's Day, even when I was single. I didn't loath it like other single gals did. It wasn't always pleasant being reminded that I was single but I would dream of the day when I had someone who loved me and would make the day special. I dreamed of being pursued.

I remember the first Valentine's Day I had with Kyle. We had only been dating a month and I didn't know what to expect. V-Day fell on a Sunday that year so we went to church and then he brought me back to his parents house. He took me to his room where he had transformed it into a private restaurant. He had a table and chairs decked out with a tablecloth, flowers and rose petals, lunch, and sparkling grape juice. He had classical music playing on the TV and rose petals were strewn everywhere. There were also lots of little gifts sitting on the dresser and bedside table. I was blown away. It was the most thoughtful and romantic Valentine's Day I had ever had.

Kyle has yet to outdo that year but he doesn't have to. He's my husband now and everyday is like Valentine's Day in our home. I don't think a day goes by without him telling me that he loves me and he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am. He likes to surprise me with little gifts here and there but I think what I appreciate most is that he never allows me to doubt his love for me. I hear it everyday and I see it in the little things that he does. I see it when he rubs my back, when he gets me glasses of water, when he helps me clean, and when he put things away for me without being asked. I see it when he passes up time to play Skyrim to spend time with me. I see it when he chooses something I like over what he likes. It's the little things, not the big, flashy, expensive things, that show me he loves and appreciates me.

I know of husbands who never tell their wives that they love them and rarely do anything for them. I am so thankful that I have a husband who thinks of me, considers me, and cherishes me. I'm thankful that he tells me and that he shows me on a regular basis. I love him so much.

I love this song by FM Radio.
Be My Only
"Watch your hands move along my face they trace all the lines I've lived/It isn't hard to love your scars cause that's everywhere you've been"