Beginning Motherhood

After a bit of a fiasco with the NICU, Grayson has been home for over a week now. It still feels surreal that he's my son and that I'm his mom. Sometimes it feels like I'm just babysitting but then I realize that he's not going anywhere and that he completely relies on me to take care of his every need. This reality excites me in the fact that this is something I have always wanted. This is, without a doubt, what God has called me to do. This is what I was made to do. There is nothing quite like fulfilling your purpose.

However, this reality also scares me because, quite frankly, it exhausts me and it really is never ending. There are no breaks, vacations, or weekends off. It's not like school where I can work towards the "reward" of a weekend of relaxation and doing other things. No, my son has to eat every three hours. His diaper has to be changed. He has to be held and comforted. He has to be bathed. These things seem easy until you're having to do them nearly nonstop. My days seem to run together because I can no longer sleep through the night. I get between 3 and 5 hours of sleep but somehow I manage to get through every day and every night. I don't know how I do it other than I have no choice. It seems like women have a switch that turns on when they become mothers. All of a sudden we are capable of things we would have never dreamed of doing before...like running on basically no sleep on a consistent basis. And somehow, even though I get stressed out, exhausted, and start crying, looking at the face of my son makes it all worth it.

I have only been a mom for three weeks but already I can say that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. What they say is true, having a baby changes everything. All of a sudden my world revolves around this little person. My needs or wants no longer matter as much. I eat just to fill my stomach, I stay in the shower just long enough to get clean, and I sleep only as long as he lets me. As much as I miss the things I used to be able to do and focus on and as hard as taking care of a newborn is, it is the person, the life that has been given to me by God that truly matters. My hope as I transition and adjust is that I glorify God, that I become the mother He wants me to be, that I care for my son in a way that pleases Him. I have found that what I suspected about my relationship with God during this time is true. He is showing me new ways to trust Him, to rely on Him, to find strength in Him. He is humbling me as I feel exhausted and inadequate. He is blessing me as I make it through each day, overcoming fears, learning new things, and tackling the not-so-fun parts of being a mother. He cares about my journey in motherhood and I can rely on Him to travel the journey with me.

I also have a wonderful husband who is proving to be an attentive, loving, and helpful father. He has been changing diapers, giving late night bottle feedings, comforting a crying baby (and a frustrated mommy), cooking, cleaning, going to the store, and being very supportive. This is just as much of an adjustment for him as it is for me but he is doing so well. He loves on his son and is always telling me how great I'm doing and how impressed he is with me. I don't always feel worthy of his words but hearing them is very encouraging and motivating. I am so thankful to be sharing the journey of parenthood with Kyle.

It is hard but I love being a mommy. I have had rough days but I want to enjoy this time in my life because, like the 22 years I have already lived, these years ahead will pass all too quickly. There will come a time when my baby will no longer be a baby and won't want to cuddle with Mommy anymore. So I'll hold on tight while I can and cherish every moment I get with him because, for right now, being in Mommy's arms seems to make all the difference in the world. :)

Grayson Update #2

As of Saturday Grayson is now in an open bed, is no longer hooked up to an IV, and no longer has to have help regulating his body temperature. And as of today he no longer has a feeding tube! He is now taking all of his feedings by bottle which are about 95% Mommy's milk. :) He is eating really well and overall he is doing really great. I gave him a bottle tonight and he took it much better than last time. It made me so happy and proud to see him sucking away at that bottle with only a little encouragement from me.

I also got to dress him in a preemie outfit that turned out to be a little too big on him. He needs to get just a little more chubby to fill out the clothes. He weighs 4 pounds 9 ounces now and hopefully he'll be close to or at 5 pounds by the time he comes home.

Speaking of which...he may be able to come home this Sunday! I was told by the nurse practitioner that his heart rate dropped below 100 last night so he is on a 5 day apnea watch. If his heart rate doesn't drop that low again in the next 5 days then he will be able to come home on Sunday! She also told me that this is very common for preemies and if it does happen again then they can't send him home but that he'll most likely grow out of it by 37 or 38 weeks. It happens because he's premature and by 37 weeks his little body will be more mature and more capable of functioning the way its suppose to. If it doesn't happen again within the next 5 days then it isn't a concern and they will let him go home. Please be praying that his heart rate will stay within the normal range and that he'll be able to come home on Sunday! I feel confident that he will but I don't want to get my hopes up either. I'll just be praying extra hard this week and relying on the Lord's timing. Please join me and, Lord willing, we'll have our baby boy home soon!

A Grayson Update

It is difficult to keep all of the information on Grayson straight and the nurses in the NICU aren't always very good about explaining things to us. I've had to do a lot of piecing together of information. We see a new nurse almost every time we go up there and they each do things and say things a little differently. It can be very frustrating. I'm on information overload and I don't remember most of what they tell me. I'm trying to keep it all straight though and I'm learning a little more with each visit. It has been difficult for me because I have spent my whole life around babies and children. I feel very comfortable taking care of babies and I have never doubted my ability to care for my own child. However, I didn't expect to have a preemie. I have no experience with preemies so I don't feel 100% comfortable caring for Grayson, especially in the presence of those who know what they are doing better than I do. Yet I'm his mom so there is a tension there. It's upsetting for me to not be able to completely care for Grayson and to no longer feel confident in myself as a mother. I suppose I should get used to that because I'm sure there will be plenty more times throughout Grayson's life that I will feel inadequate as his mother. It's not easy to accept that and really, more than anything, I just want him home with me where I can be his mom. It's hard to explain how wrong it feels that he's not with me, that I'm currently not his primary care giver. I pray that he can come home soon and that God will grant me patience and peace in the meantime.

From what we understand though, Grayson is doing really well. He is a healthy little guy, just too small and premature to do all that a full term baby could do. He has always been able to breathe on his own just fine so that has never been a concern. The main thing right now is him learning to eat on his own. As of yesterday, he is receiving four bottle feedings a day with his other four feedings being through his tube. I was able to try to feed him a bottle last night but I didn't know how to get him to eat and the nurse wasn't exactly helpful. I had been told by another nurse earlier in the week to hold him partially on his side but I wanted to be shown again so I asked the nurse if there was a particular way I needed to hold him. She just scooted him higher up in my arm and told me to put the bottle in his mouth. He would suck a little and then stop and wouldn't really eat. She told me to turn the nipple in a circle and give him chin support and then she walked away. I tried doing what she said but it wasn't working. When she noticed he wasn't really eating she took him from me and proceeded to do exactly what the other nurse had showed me and he ate just fine. She even contradicted herself and told me I shouldn't hold him the way she had me hold him because it makes him comfortable and puts him to sleep. I was so upset. I understand that this is all new to me and it'll take time for me to learn how to care for him but I am so frustrated with the inconsistency among the nurses because it doesn't make things any easier on me. How do I learn to feed him when the nurses are so inconsistent in how they do things? It's so frustrating.

Anyway, they have been increasing his food intake and he has been responding really well. He continues to digest his food well and make dirty diapers. Last night he was up to 35cc and the nurse said they would leave him at that for a little while. He also weighed in at 4 pounds 5 ounces so he has gained some weight. Overall he is doing great, he just needs time to learn to eat from a bottle without assistance. I'm used to putting a bottle in a baby's mouth and them chowing down without any encouragement and that's where Grayson needs to get to. Keep praying for him and for us as we wait. It has been hard, especially for me, but we are very thankful that he is so healthy and is doing so well. He is such a cute and sweet little guy. We have hardly heard him cry or put up much a fuss except for when they are poking at him. This could change but Kyle's mom swears that, as a baby, Kyle rarely cried so we're wondering if Grayson is going to be that easy as well. He seems so calm and laid back so we'll see if he stays that way. Either way though, I love my baby boy and can't wait until he can come home. I look forward to being mommy in every sense of the word and being able to spend more time with him and get to know him better.

My Birth Story

I woke up on Wednesday, May 2nd at 9AM and, getting up to go to the bathroom, I felt a gush of liquid wet my pants. I thought I might have peed myself so I hurried to the bathroom. I wasn't sure whether the wetness was urine or not but as the involuntary trinkle ran down my leg I suspected that my water had broke. I became fairly certain this is what had happened as the water didn't stop and it definitely didn't smell or look like urine.

I had a doctors appointment that afternoon so I called my doctors office to tell them what was going on and to ask if I needed to come in now or if it could wait until my appointment. They told me to come in right away so they could check whether it was amniotic fluid or not. I woke Kyle up and told him that my water broke and I needed to go to my doctors office immediately. We were both calm as we got dressed and drove to the office. I was anxious but I knew freaking out wouldn't help anything. If this was indeed my water breaking then there was nothing that could be done to stop it.

When we got to my doctors office I expected to be brought in immediately but they had me go through the usual sign in and then asked me to wait. I was a little confused but did as I was told. I was called in within a few minutes and was again confused as the nurse had me go through the usual appointment procedures. When they put us in a room the nurse took my blood pressure as she normally does and then said, "They said you think your water is leaking" as if it weren't a big deal. I replied by telling her what I had experienced after waking up and that it was still leaking. She had me get undressed from the waist down and put a sheet over my lap then said the doctor would be in soon and left. I expected the doctor to come in fairly quickly but we went through the usual wait. I was confused why they weren't taking this more seriously. Here I was sitting in an ever growing puddle with the fluid running everywhere and they were acting like I was there for my usual appointment. When the doctor finally came in she began talking about the Group B Strep test that I was suppose to have that day. I know I must have been giving her a funny look because I was totally confused about why she was telling me about this test when I came in because my water had broken! When she finished what she was saying I asked, "Did they tell you my water broke?" She replied, "They said you think you're leaking." Finally I told it to her straight, "I'm sitting in a puddle here. It's pretty substantial." She then lifted the sheet and saw what I was talking about. She then realized that I wasn't joking or being a paranoid first time mom or whatever it is she thought I was being...I was freaking serious! She immediately called in a nurse and tested the fluid. Apparently the strip is suppose to turn blue if it's amniotic fluid and it was only turning a bluish green but what else could all this fluid be?! The doctor then checked my cervix and I had dilated 1 cm and was 80% effaced. She began explaining to us that because my water had broken I would need to go to the hospital and stay there until I deliver. She couldn't say when that would be, only that most women deliver within a week of their water breaking. She also expressed to us that, though giving birth at 34 weeks isn't ideal, it also isn't the worst case scenario. She assured us that the baby would most likely be fine though he would have to spend some time in the NICU. Once she finished explaining everything to us, Kyle and I headed to the hospital.

We got to Labor & Delivery at Lake Pointe Medical Center and they put me in triage to begin monitoring the baby, any contractions I might have, as well as do some blood work and insert an IV. I was told they would get me a room as soon as possible but there weren't any available at the moment. It was very uncomfortable in the triage so I was praying a room would open up soon. As I waited, they monitored the baby's heartbeat which sounded good, I wasn't having any contractions, and I got poked a few times. The IV was the worst and it didn't help that it was being done by a student! She got it in but did it wrong and it hurt like hell. She had to take it out and let the nurse do it correctly. I did my best to not get angry about it, though it certainly wasn't pleasant.

Before long they got me a room in Labor & Delivery and I was much more comfortable there. They continued to monitor me and the baby for the rest of the day and throughout the night. Sometime during the night the nurse asked me if I was feeling my contractions and I said, "No, am I having contractions?" She said that I was, about every three to four minutes, but I never felt them. She told me she didn't think I would last through the weekend.

My doctor came to see me the next day and told me the same things she had before. There was no way to know when I would go into labor, that it was normal to have contractions and not feel them, and that she would like to see me go another week. I was moved to a room on the postpartum floor where I would basically just wait to go into labor.

My parents came up on Friday to see me. Kyle and I were suppose to be graduating from Criswell on Saturday so my parents had already taken Friday off of work and already had a hotel room reserved. I am truly thankful that it worked out this way because come Saturday morning I was in labor!

I woke up at 5:30am feeling uncomfortable. I slowly began to experience some pain and by 7am I had what I knew was definitely a contraction. I called the nurse in and told her and that's when Kyle woke up. He began getting ready as they moved me to a room in Labor & Delivery and got me hooked back up to the monitors. The nurse that was there to take care of me was the same nurse that took care of me the day I arrived. I really liked her and was thankful she was my nurse again. She had me on the monitors for a little bit before making an assessment and calling the on-call doctor. I was having contractions every four to five minutes apart with a little irritability in between. I was definitely feeling them this time. My nurse wasn't ready to say that I was in early labor but she called the doctor who decided to treat me as if I were in early labor and to see what happens. Well, the contractions got more intense and I continued to dilate and efface. I was pretty sure it was safe to say I was in labor!

My mom came to the hospital and both she and Kyle stayed with me throughout labor and delivery. I am very thankful my mom was able to be there because she was a huge support. She helped me through my contractions and kept me calm. The contractions felt like menstrual cramps except way more intense. They came and went likes waves, slowly climbing to a climax that hurt like hell and then tapering off. It didn't take very long though for me to jump from a 2 to a 4 and I was able to get an epidural.

The anesthesiologist was a very kind man who explained everything to me as he did it. He was very calming and as gentle as he could be. The worst part in getting the epidural was the numbing shot. He told me it would feel like a bee sting and he wasn't kidding! After that though I didn't feel anything but pressure. Once the epidural was inserted and I was able to lay down, it quickly took affect and I became very numb from the waist down. It was wonderful! I didn't feel anymore contractions and was able to just lay there and rest. Mom, Kyle, and I alternated between talking and resting, just trying to pass the time.

All I ever felt was pressure and it seemed to get stronger and stronger as time passed. The baby was getting into position and entering the birth canal. The nurse finally checked me again and I had reached 10 cm and it was time to start pushing. It seemed to happen so fast. I started pushing at around 3:55pm and he was born at 4:08pm. I have heard of so many women pushing for half an hour or more but apparently I take after my mother and am a really good pusher. Having my mom there certainly helped because every time I heard her say "push" I pushed harder. Also, contrary to popular belief, the epidural did not hinder me from being able to push well at all. My left side felt completely numb and heavy but my right side wasn't as numb so maybe that helped but either way, pushing was fairly easy. I was afraid I would feel pain during the delivery, especially since the epidural seemed to be fading on my right side, but I didn't feel anything but pressure and that was just uncomfortable, not painful. I am very pleased with how well the delivery went and so thankful to God that He orchestrated everything just so.

As soon as Grayson was placed on my stomach and I saw his little face, I started crying. The emotion I felt could only be described as relief and overwhelming love for this little person who had turned our world upside down so suddenly. He was taken to the warmer and the nurses did all of the regular tests and procedures on him. He was eventually wrapped up in a blanket and handed back to me for a little bit. I just stared at him and realized how much he looked like me from the nose down. I expected him to look exactly like Kyle but he shares both of our features. He was so tiny and cute and one of his eyes was opened and he was looking at me. I took him in for as long as I could but the doctor was anxious for him to be taken to the NICU. Apparently the placenta was having a difficult time being delivered. A part of it was stuck to the wall of my uterus and she ended up having to stick her hand up there and tear it off. Thankfully she was able to get it and thankfully I still couldn't feel anything.

They took Grayson to the NICU and the doctor finished up with me and then the nurses helped get me cleaned up. I was able to eat dinner which was wonderful because I hadn't eaten anything since dinner the night before. Between being hungry, tired yet wired, having just given birth, and my baby not being with me, I was very emotional. I remember crying and telling Kyle that I wanted to hold Grayson again. He comforted me but I was feeling kind of out of it and irritated. The right side of my body felt normal again but my left side was still completely numb. I'm sure the hormones weren't helping with my emotions either. All I wanted was to see my son again.

Later I was moved back to my postpartum room and I began to feel better. I wasn't in any pain and my sister and her family had come, as well as lots of other visitors. Kyle was able to go see Grayson first and since only two people are allowed at a time he shuffled in visitors so everyone could see him. Later that night, after getting the okay from my nurse, I was able to go up to the NICU with my sister and a friend. I was able to hold Grayson skin-to-skin and that was a sweet bonding time. It was just what I needed.

Grayson was born May 5th, 2012, at 4:08pm. He was 4 pounds 1 ounce and was 18 inches long. He has been breathing on his own and is generally very healthy. He is just small and premature. He has to be able to maintain his own body temperature and eat on his own before he can come home. He is making steps towards those goals but there is no way for anyone to know exactly when he will meet those goals. Preemies are very unpredictable. He could be doing well one day and not the next. So far he has been doing great and hasn't had any setbacks but no one but God can know what the near future holds. There is a baby girl who was born the same day as Grayson and at 34 weeks too and she isn't doing as well as Grayson is. She was fine but then she suddenly couldn't hold down her food and was spitting up all the time so they are having to take some steps backwards and start her on feedings all over again. This is just an example of the unpredictability. Thankfully, by God's grace and providence, Grayson is eating well and is digesting his food just fine. He keeps his food down and makes dirty diapers. They are slowly increasing his food intake to see how he handles it and so far he's doing great. Right now he is being fed through a tube but they will eventually move to bottle feedings to see how well he does with that. He's a little trooper and from what we can tell he is perfectly healthy, he's just too small and premature to do all that a full term baby could do.

I am continually getting the question, "When does he get to come home?" and trust me, Kyle and I want to know the answer to that question more than anyone. We are very anxious for him to come home and to take on our full parental roles. We just want our baby boy with us. However, we can't answer this question and neither can any of the nurses or doctors in the NICU. It will most likely be a few weeks but there is really no way to know. When they do know something I am sure they will tell us and then we'll tell all of you! Until then, it's just a waiting game.

Please continue to pray for our little family. We appreciate all of the prayer and support that we have received thus far. It has been a huge encouragement and has helped soothe this mother's anxious heart. I truly believe that everything has gone so well and that Grayson is as healthy as he is because of all of the prayers of the saints. God has been gracious and He will see us through this less than ideal situation, as He always does. He is faithful.

"For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart." - 1 Samuel 1:27