Monday, July 23, 2012
Changed Blogs
I will no longer be using Blogger. Though I will keep this blog up, it will no longer be active. Visit me at my new blog sarahjtk.wordpress.com.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
NICU Moms
My son was born six weeks early due to my water breaking and spent two weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). My best friend gave birth to her son two months later at five weeks early and he is currently in the NICU with the hopes of going home soon.
We are moms who were only allowed to hold our babies for a few short moments before they were taken from us. We are moms who were unable to begin the sweet bond of breastfeeding right away. We are moms who were unable to room with our babies and begin mothering right away. We are moms whose hearts broke as we went home without our babies. We are moms who went through the emotional pain of being without our precious little ones and only being able to hold them at the permission of a stranger. We are moms who had to momentarily give up the primary caregiver role so that our sons could receive care that we could not give them. It didn't feel right. Our hearts broke as we looked at our little boys all wired and hooked up to monitors, feeding tubes, oxygen, and IVs. We cried when our arms ached to hold them, our lips to kiss them, our hearts to comfort them. It felt so wrong to not have them with us. We weren't ready for this experience, it wasn't how we imagined it.
To have a premature baby that needs to spend time in the NICU is not ideal for any parent but the reality of what we went through was lost on many people. Not only were our little boys in the NICU (and my friend's son having some health issues) but we had to learn how to pump and figure out the exhausting schedule of pumping every three hours AND spend time at the hospital. We are MOM yet we had to figure out how we fit in the context of the NICU, what our responsibilities were, what was expected of us. We were exhausted and in pain, recovering from labor and delivery, dealing with a roller coaster of emotions, and adjusting to a sudden life change. It was not easy.
And though it wasn't easy I do believe that God prepared me for the experience. Even before my son was born, God had built in me the faith and trust I needed to accept whatever would happen. I had determined that God's will and purpose for my son's life was better and greater than my own. I desired God's plan, not mine. I just hadn't imagined that that faith and trust would be challenged from the very beginning. Just a few days before my water broke I had spoken in my church small group about how God allows us to go through storms in order to strengthen our trust in Him and about how I weather those storms. I had no idea, when I spoke those words, what I would be facing later that week. God was preparing me.
Furthermore, what is so amazing, is that God knew that my best friend would have a similar experience. Though her baby has faced more health challenges than mine, my husband and I are able to relate and be there for them in a way we wouldn't have had our son been born full term. It's awesome how God works. He allows trials in our lives but He never leaves us there alone.
Having a premature baby and the NICU experience is not something we would wish on ourselves or anyone else but God was there, He showed Himself, He was glorified. That's exactly what I had been praying for when I would pray for and about my son's life before he was born. May God's will be done, may His purpose be fulfilled in my son's life, whatever that is, whatever it looks like. No matter how painful or seemingly wrong, no matter what it means for my mother's heart, may God's will be done in my son's life. That was and will always be my prayer.
We are moms who were only allowed to hold our babies for a few short moments before they were taken from us. We are moms who were unable to begin the sweet bond of breastfeeding right away. We are moms who were unable to room with our babies and begin mothering right away. We are moms whose hearts broke as we went home without our babies. We are moms who went through the emotional pain of being without our precious little ones and only being able to hold them at the permission of a stranger. We are moms who had to momentarily give up the primary caregiver role so that our sons could receive care that we could not give them. It didn't feel right. Our hearts broke as we looked at our little boys all wired and hooked up to monitors, feeding tubes, oxygen, and IVs. We cried when our arms ached to hold them, our lips to kiss them, our hearts to comfort them. It felt so wrong to not have them with us. We weren't ready for this experience, it wasn't how we imagined it.
To have a premature baby that needs to spend time in the NICU is not ideal for any parent but the reality of what we went through was lost on many people. Not only were our little boys in the NICU (and my friend's son having some health issues) but we had to learn how to pump and figure out the exhausting schedule of pumping every three hours AND spend time at the hospital. We are MOM yet we had to figure out how we fit in the context of the NICU, what our responsibilities were, what was expected of us. We were exhausted and in pain, recovering from labor and delivery, dealing with a roller coaster of emotions, and adjusting to a sudden life change. It was not easy.
And though it wasn't easy I do believe that God prepared me for the experience. Even before my son was born, God had built in me the faith and trust I needed to accept whatever would happen. I had determined that God's will and purpose for my son's life was better and greater than my own. I desired God's plan, not mine. I just hadn't imagined that that faith and trust would be challenged from the very beginning. Just a few days before my water broke I had spoken in my church small group about how God allows us to go through storms in order to strengthen our trust in Him and about how I weather those storms. I had no idea, when I spoke those words, what I would be facing later that week. God was preparing me.
Furthermore, what is so amazing, is that God knew that my best friend would have a similar experience. Though her baby has faced more health challenges than mine, my husband and I are able to relate and be there for them in a way we wouldn't have had our son been born full term. It's awesome how God works. He allows trials in our lives but He never leaves us there alone.
Having a premature baby and the NICU experience is not something we would wish on ourselves or anyone else but God was there, He showed Himself, He was glorified. That's exactly what I had been praying for when I would pray for and about my son's life before he was born. May God's will be done, may His purpose be fulfilled in my son's life, whatever that is, whatever it looks like. No matter how painful or seemingly wrong, no matter what it means for my mother's heart, may God's will be done in my son's life. That was and will always be my prayer.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Beginning Motherhood
After a bit of a fiasco with the NICU, Grayson has been home for over a week now. It still feels surreal that he's my son and that I'm his mom. Sometimes it feels like I'm just babysitting but then I realize that he's not going anywhere and that he completely relies on me to take care of his every need. This reality excites me in the fact that this is something I have always wanted. This is, without a doubt, what God has called me to do. This is what I was made to do. There is nothing quite like fulfilling your purpose.
However, this reality also scares me because, quite frankly, it exhausts me and it really is never ending. There are no breaks, vacations, or weekends off. It's not like school where I can work towards the "reward" of a weekend of relaxation and doing other things. No, my son has to eat every three hours. His diaper has to be changed. He has to be held and comforted. He has to be bathed. These things seem easy until you're having to do them nearly nonstop. My days seem to run together because I can no longer sleep through the night. I get between 3 and 5 hours of sleep but somehow I manage to get through every day and every night. I don't know how I do it other than I have no choice. It seems like women have a switch that turns on when they become mothers. All of a sudden we are capable of things we would have never dreamed of doing before...like running on basically no sleep on a consistent basis. And somehow, even though I get stressed out, exhausted, and start crying, looking at the face of my son makes it all worth it.
I have only been a mom for three weeks but already I can say that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. What they say is true, having a baby changes everything. All of a sudden my world revolves around this little person. My needs or wants no longer matter as much. I eat just to fill my stomach, I stay in the shower just long enough to get clean, and I sleep only as long as he lets me. As much as I miss the things I used to be able to do and focus on and as hard as taking care of a newborn is, it is the person, the life that has been given to me by God that truly matters. My hope as I transition and adjust is that I glorify God, that I become the mother He wants me to be, that I care for my son in a way that pleases Him. I have found that what I suspected about my relationship with God during this time is true. He is showing me new ways to trust Him, to rely on Him, to find strength in Him. He is humbling me as I feel exhausted and inadequate. He is blessing me as I make it through each day, overcoming fears, learning new things, and tackling the not-so-fun parts of being a mother. He cares about my journey in motherhood and I can rely on Him to travel the journey with me.
I also have a wonderful husband who is proving to be an attentive, loving, and helpful father. He has been changing diapers, giving late night bottle feedings, comforting a crying baby (and a frustrated mommy), cooking, cleaning, going to the store, and being very supportive. This is just as much of an adjustment for him as it is for me but he is doing so well. He loves on his son and is always telling me how great I'm doing and how impressed he is with me. I don't always feel worthy of his words but hearing them is very encouraging and motivating. I am so thankful to be sharing the journey of parenthood with Kyle.
It is hard but I love being a mommy. I have had rough days but I want to enjoy this time in my life because, like the 22 years I have already lived, these years ahead will pass all too quickly. There will come a time when my baby will no longer be a baby and won't want to cuddle with Mommy anymore. So I'll hold on tight while I can and cherish every moment I get with him because, for right now, being in Mommy's arms seems to make all the difference in the world. :)
However, this reality also scares me because, quite frankly, it exhausts me and it really is never ending. There are no breaks, vacations, or weekends off. It's not like school where I can work towards the "reward" of a weekend of relaxation and doing other things. No, my son has to eat every three hours. His diaper has to be changed. He has to be held and comforted. He has to be bathed. These things seem easy until you're having to do them nearly nonstop. My days seem to run together because I can no longer sleep through the night. I get between 3 and 5 hours of sleep but somehow I manage to get through every day and every night. I don't know how I do it other than I have no choice. It seems like women have a switch that turns on when they become mothers. All of a sudden we are capable of things we would have never dreamed of doing before...like running on basically no sleep on a consistent basis. And somehow, even though I get stressed out, exhausted, and start crying, looking at the face of my son makes it all worth it.
I have only been a mom for three weeks but already I can say that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. What they say is true, having a baby changes everything. All of a sudden my world revolves around this little person. My needs or wants no longer matter as much. I eat just to fill my stomach, I stay in the shower just long enough to get clean, and I sleep only as long as he lets me. As much as I miss the things I used to be able to do and focus on and as hard as taking care of a newborn is, it is the person, the life that has been given to me by God that truly matters. My hope as I transition and adjust is that I glorify God, that I become the mother He wants me to be, that I care for my son in a way that pleases Him. I have found that what I suspected about my relationship with God during this time is true. He is showing me new ways to trust Him, to rely on Him, to find strength in Him. He is humbling me as I feel exhausted and inadequate. He is blessing me as I make it through each day, overcoming fears, learning new things, and tackling the not-so-fun parts of being a mother. He cares about my journey in motherhood and I can rely on Him to travel the journey with me.
I also have a wonderful husband who is proving to be an attentive, loving, and helpful father. He has been changing diapers, giving late night bottle feedings, comforting a crying baby (and a frustrated mommy), cooking, cleaning, going to the store, and being very supportive. This is just as much of an adjustment for him as it is for me but he is doing so well. He loves on his son and is always telling me how great I'm doing and how impressed he is with me. I don't always feel worthy of his words but hearing them is very encouraging and motivating. I am so thankful to be sharing the journey of parenthood with Kyle.
It is hard but I love being a mommy. I have had rough days but I want to enjoy this time in my life because, like the 22 years I have already lived, these years ahead will pass all too quickly. There will come a time when my baby will no longer be a baby and won't want to cuddle with Mommy anymore. So I'll hold on tight while I can and cherish every moment I get with him because, for right now, being in Mommy's arms seems to make all the difference in the world. :)
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Grayson Update #2
I also got to dress him in a preemie outfit that turned out to be a little too big on him. He needs to get just a little more chubby to fill out the clothes. He weighs 4 pounds 9 ounces now and hopefully he'll be close to or at 5 pounds by the time he comes home.
Friday, May 11, 2012
A Grayson Update
It is difficult to keep all of the information on Grayson straight and the nurses in the NICU aren't always very good about explaining things to us. I've had to do a lot of piecing together of information. We see a new nurse almost every time we go up there and they each do things and say things a little differently. It can be very frustrating. I'm on information overload and I don't remember most of what they tell me. I'm trying to keep it all straight though and I'm learning a little more with each visit. It has been difficult for me because I have spent my whole life around babies and children. I feel very comfortable taking care of babies and I have never doubted my ability to care for my own child. However, I didn't expect to have a preemie. I have no experience with preemies so I don't feel 100% comfortable caring for Grayson, especially in the presence of those who know what they are doing better than I do. Yet I'm his mom so there is a tension there. It's upsetting for me to not be able to completely care for Grayson and to no longer feel confident in myself as a mother. I suppose I should get used to that because I'm sure there will be plenty more times throughout Grayson's life that I will feel inadequate as his mother. It's not easy to accept that and really, more than anything, I just want him home with me where I can be his mom. It's hard to explain how wrong it feels that he's not with me, that I'm currently not his primary care giver. I pray that he can come home soon and that God will grant me patience and peace in the meantime.
From what we understand though, Grayson is doing really well. He is a healthy little guy, just too small and premature to do all that a full term baby could do. He has always been able to breathe on his own just fine so that has never been a concern. The main thing right now is him learning to eat on his own. As of yesterday, he is receiving four bottle feedings a day with his other four feedings being through his tube. I was able to try to feed him a bottle last night but I didn't know how to get him to eat and the nurse wasn't exactly helpful. I had been told by another nurse earlier in the week to hold him partially on his side but I wanted to be shown again so I asked the nurse if there was a particular way I needed to hold him. She just scooted him higher up in my arm and told me to put the bottle in his mouth. He would suck a little and then stop and wouldn't really eat. She told me to turn the nipple in a circle and give him chin support and then she walked away. I tried doing what she said but it wasn't working. When she noticed he wasn't really eating she took him from me and proceeded to do exactly what the other nurse had showed me and he ate just fine. She even contradicted herself and told me I shouldn't hold him the way she had me hold him because it makes him comfortable and puts him to sleep. I was so upset. I understand that this is all new to me and it'll take time for me to learn how to care for him but I am so frustrated with the inconsistency among the nurses because it doesn't make things any easier on me. How do I learn to feed him when the nurses are so inconsistent in how they do things? It's so frustrating.
Anyway, they have been increasing his food intake and he has been responding really well. He continues to digest his food well and make dirty diapers. Last night he was up to 35cc and the nurse said they would leave him at that for a little while. He also weighed in at 4 pounds 5 ounces so he has gained some weight. Overall he is doing great, he just needs time to learn to eat from a bottle without assistance. I'm used to putting a bottle in a baby's mouth and them chowing down without any encouragement and that's where Grayson needs to get to. Keep praying for him and for us as we wait. It has been hard, especially for me, but we are very thankful that he is so healthy and is doing so well. He is such a cute and sweet little guy. We have hardly heard him cry or put up much a fuss except for when they are poking at him. This could change but Kyle's mom swears that, as a baby, Kyle rarely cried so we're wondering if Grayson is going to be that easy as well. He seems so calm and laid back so we'll see if he stays that way. Either way though, I love my baby boy and can't wait until he can come home. I look forward to being mommy in every sense of the word and being able to spend more time with him and get to know him better.
From what we understand though, Grayson is doing really well. He is a healthy little guy, just too small and premature to do all that a full term baby could do. He has always been able to breathe on his own just fine so that has never been a concern. The main thing right now is him learning to eat on his own. As of yesterday, he is receiving four bottle feedings a day with his other four feedings being through his tube. I was able to try to feed him a bottle last night but I didn't know how to get him to eat and the nurse wasn't exactly helpful. I had been told by another nurse earlier in the week to hold him partially on his side but I wanted to be shown again so I asked the nurse if there was a particular way I needed to hold him. She just scooted him higher up in my arm and told me to put the bottle in his mouth. He would suck a little and then stop and wouldn't really eat. She told me to turn the nipple in a circle and give him chin support and then she walked away. I tried doing what she said but it wasn't working. When she noticed he wasn't really eating she took him from me and proceeded to do exactly what the other nurse had showed me and he ate just fine. She even contradicted herself and told me I shouldn't hold him the way she had me hold him because it makes him comfortable and puts him to sleep. I was so upset. I understand that this is all new to me and it'll take time for me to learn how to care for him but I am so frustrated with the inconsistency among the nurses because it doesn't make things any easier on me. How do I learn to feed him when the nurses are so inconsistent in how they do things? It's so frustrating.
Anyway, they have been increasing his food intake and he has been responding really well. He continues to digest his food well and make dirty diapers. Last night he was up to 35cc and the nurse said they would leave him at that for a little while. He also weighed in at 4 pounds 5 ounces so he has gained some weight. Overall he is doing great, he just needs time to learn to eat from a bottle without assistance. I'm used to putting a bottle in a baby's mouth and them chowing down without any encouragement and that's where Grayson needs to get to. Keep praying for him and for us as we wait. It has been hard, especially for me, but we are very thankful that he is so healthy and is doing so well. He is such a cute and sweet little guy. We have hardly heard him cry or put up much a fuss except for when they are poking at him. This could change but Kyle's mom swears that, as a baby, Kyle rarely cried so we're wondering if Grayson is going to be that easy as well. He seems so calm and laid back so we'll see if he stays that way. Either way though, I love my baby boy and can't wait until he can come home. I look forward to being mommy in every sense of the word and being able to spend more time with him and get to know him better.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
My Birth Story
I woke up on Wednesday, May 2nd at 9AM and, getting up to go to the bathroom, I felt a gush of liquid wet my pants. I thought I might have peed myself so I hurried to the bathroom. I wasn't sure whether the wetness was urine or not but as the involuntary trinkle ran down my leg I suspected that my water had broke. I became fairly certain this is what had happened as the water didn't stop and it definitely didn't smell or look like urine.
I had a doctors appointment that afternoon so I called my doctors office to tell them what was going on and to ask if I needed to come in now or if it could wait until my appointment. They told me to come in right away so they could check whether it was amniotic fluid or not. I woke Kyle up and told him that my water broke and I needed to go to my doctors office immediately. We were both calm as we got dressed and drove to the office. I was anxious but I knew freaking out wouldn't help anything. If this was indeed my water breaking then there was nothing that could be done to stop it.
When we got to my doctors office I expected to be brought in immediately but they had me go through the usual sign in and then asked me to wait. I was a little confused but did as I was told. I was called in within a few minutes and was again confused as the nurse had me go through the usual appointment procedures. When they put us in a room the nurse took my blood pressure as she normally does and then said, "They said you think your water is leaking" as if it weren't a big deal. I replied by telling her what I had experienced after waking up and that it was still leaking. She had me get undressed from the waist down and put a sheet over my lap then said the doctor would be in soon and left. I expected the doctor to come in fairly quickly but we went through the usual wait. I was confused why they weren't taking this more seriously. Here I was sitting in an ever growing puddle with the fluid running everywhere and they were acting like I was there for my usual appointment. When the doctor finally came in she began talking about the Group B Strep test that I was suppose to have that day. I know I must have been giving her a funny look because I was totally confused about why she was telling me about this test when I came in because my water had broken! When she finished what she was saying I asked, "Did they tell you my water broke?" She replied, "They said you think you're leaking." Finally I told it to her straight, "I'm sitting in a puddle here. It's pretty substantial." She then lifted the sheet and saw what I was talking about. She then realized that I wasn't joking or being a paranoid first time mom or whatever it is she thought I was being...I was freaking serious! She immediately called in a nurse and tested the fluid. Apparently the strip is suppose to turn blue if it's amniotic fluid and it was only turning a bluish green but what else could all this fluid be?! The doctor then checked my cervix and I had dilated 1 cm and was 80% effaced. She began explaining to us that because my water had broken I would need to go to the hospital and stay there until I deliver. She couldn't say when that would be, only that most women deliver within a week of their water breaking. She also expressed to us that, though giving birth at 34 weeks isn't ideal, it also isn't the worst case scenario. She assured us that the baby would most likely be fine though he would have to spend some time in the NICU. Once she finished explaining everything to us, Kyle and I headed to the hospital.
We got to Labor & Delivery at Lake Pointe Medical Center and they put me in triage to begin monitoring the baby, any contractions I might have, as well as do some blood work and insert an IV. I was told they would get me a room as soon as possible but there weren't any available at the moment. It was very uncomfortable in the triage so I was praying a room would open up soon. As I waited, they monitored the baby's heartbeat which sounded good, I wasn't having any contractions, and I got poked a few times. The IV was the worst and it didn't help that it was being done by a student! She got it in but did it wrong and it hurt like hell. She had to take it out and let the nurse do it correctly. I did my best to not get angry about it, though it certainly wasn't pleasant.
Before long they got me a room in Labor & Delivery and I was much more comfortable there. They continued to monitor me and the baby for the rest of the day and throughout the night. Sometime during the night the nurse asked me if I was feeling my contractions and I said, "No, am I having contractions?" She said that I was, about every three to four minutes, but I never felt them. She told me she didn't think I would last through the weekend.
My doctor came to see me the next day and told me the same things she had before. There was no way to know when I would go into labor, that it was normal to have contractions and not feel them, and that she would like to see me go another week. I was moved to a room on the postpartum floor where I would basically just wait to go into labor.
My parents came up on Friday to see me. Kyle and I were suppose to be graduating from Criswell on Saturday so my parents had already taken Friday off of work and already had a hotel room reserved. I am truly thankful that it worked out this way because come Saturday morning I was in labor!
I woke up at 5:30am feeling uncomfortable. I slowly began to experience some pain and by 7am I had what I knew was definitely a contraction. I called the nurse in and told her and that's when Kyle woke up. He began getting ready as they moved me to a room in Labor & Delivery and got me hooked back up to the monitors. The nurse that was there to take care of me was the same nurse that took care of me the day I arrived. I really liked her and was thankful she was my nurse again. She had me on the monitors for a little bit before making an assessment and calling the on-call doctor. I was having contractions every four to five minutes apart with a little irritability in between. I was definitely feeling them this time. My nurse wasn't ready to say that I was in early labor but she called the doctor who decided to treat me as if I were in early labor and to see what happens. Well, the contractions got more intense and I continued to dilate and efface. I was pretty sure it was safe to say I was in labor!
My mom came to the hospital and both she and Kyle stayed with me throughout labor and delivery. I am very thankful my mom was able to be there because she was a huge support. She helped me through my contractions and kept me calm. The contractions felt like menstrual cramps except way more intense. They came and went likes waves, slowly climbing to a climax that hurt like hell and then tapering off. It didn't take very long though for me to jump from a 2 to a 4 and I was able to get an epidural.
The anesthesiologist was a very kind man who explained everything to me as he did it. He was very calming and as gentle as he could be. The worst part in getting the epidural was the numbing shot. He told me it would feel like a bee sting and he wasn't kidding! After that though I didn't feel anything but pressure. Once the epidural was inserted and I was able to lay down, it quickly took affect and I became very numb from the waist down. It was wonderful! I didn't feel anymore contractions and was able to just lay there and rest. Mom, Kyle, and I alternated between talking and resting, just trying to pass the time.
All I ever felt was pressure and it seemed to get stronger and stronger as time passed. The baby was getting into position and entering the birth canal. The nurse finally checked me again and I had reached 10 cm and it was time to start pushing. It seemed to happen so fast. I started pushing at around 3:55pm and he was born at 4:08pm. I have heard of so many women pushing for half an hour or more but apparently I take after my mother and am a really good pusher. Having my mom there certainly helped because every time I heard her say "push" I pushed harder. Also, contrary to popular belief, the epidural did not hinder me from being able to push well at all. My left side felt completely numb and heavy but my right side wasn't as numb so maybe that helped but either way, pushing was fairly easy. I was afraid I would feel pain during the delivery, especially since the epidural seemed to be fading on my right side, but I didn't feel anything but pressure and that was just uncomfortable, not painful. I am very pleased with how well the delivery went and so thankful to God that He orchestrated everything just so.
As soon as Grayson was placed on my stomach and I saw his little face, I started crying. The emotion I felt could only be described as relief and overwhelming love for this little person who had turned our world upside down so suddenly. He was taken to the warmer and the nurses did all of the regular tests and procedures on him. He was eventually wrapped up in a blanket and handed back to me for a little bit. I just stared at him and realized how much he looked like me from the nose down. I expected him to look exactly like Kyle but he shares both of our features. He was so tiny and cute and one of his eyes was opened and he was looking at me. I took him in for as long as I could but the doctor was anxious for him to be taken to the NICU. Apparently the placenta was having a difficult time being delivered. A part of it was stuck to the wall of my uterus and she ended up having to stick her hand up there and tear it off. Thankfully she was able to get it and thankfully I still couldn't feel anything.
They took Grayson to the NICU and the doctor finished up with me and then the nurses helped get me cleaned up. I was able to eat dinner which was wonderful because I hadn't eaten anything since dinner the night before. Between being hungry, tired yet wired, having just given birth, and my baby not being with me, I was very emotional. I remember crying and telling Kyle that I wanted to hold Grayson again. He comforted me but I was feeling kind of out of it and irritated. The right side of my body felt normal again but my left side was still completely numb. I'm sure the hormones weren't helping with my emotions either. All I wanted was to see my son again.
Later I was moved back to my postpartum room and I began to feel better. I wasn't in any pain and my sister and her family had come, as well as lots of other visitors. Kyle was able to go see Grayson first and since only two people are allowed at a time he shuffled in visitors so everyone could see him. Later that night, after getting the okay from my nurse, I was able to go up to the NICU with my sister and a friend. I was able to hold Grayson skin-to-skin and that was a sweet bonding time. It was just what I needed.
Grayson was born May 5th, 2012, at 4:08pm. He was 4 pounds 1 ounce and was 18 inches long. He has been breathing on his own and is generally very healthy. He is just small and premature. He has to be able to maintain his own body temperature and eat on his own before he can come home. He is making steps towards those goals but there is no way for anyone to know exactly when he will meet those goals. Preemies are very unpredictable. He could be doing well one day and not the next. So far he has been doing great and hasn't had any setbacks but no one but God can know what the near future holds. There is a baby girl who was born the same day as Grayson and at 34 weeks too and she isn't doing as well as Grayson is. She was fine but then she suddenly couldn't hold down her food and was spitting up all the time so they are having to take some steps backwards and start her on feedings all over again. This is just an example of the unpredictability. Thankfully, by God's grace and providence, Grayson is eating well and is digesting his food just fine. He keeps his food down and makes dirty diapers. They are slowly increasing his food intake to see how he handles it and so far he's doing great. Right now he is being fed through a tube but they will eventually move to bottle feedings to see how well he does with that. He's a little trooper and from what we can tell he is perfectly healthy, he's just too small and premature to do all that a full term baby could do.
I am continually getting the question, "When does he get to come home?" and trust me, Kyle and I want to know the answer to that question more than anyone. We are very anxious for him to come home and to take on our full parental roles. We just want our baby boy with us. However, we can't answer this question and neither can any of the nurses or doctors in the NICU. It will most likely be a few weeks but there is really no way to know. When they do know something I am sure they will tell us and then we'll tell all of you! Until then, it's just a waiting game.
Please continue to pray for our little family. We appreciate all of the prayer and support that we have received thus far. It has been a huge encouragement and has helped soothe this mother's anxious heart. I truly believe that everything has gone so well and that Grayson is as healthy as he is because of all of the prayers of the saints. God has been gracious and He will see us through this less than ideal situation, as He always does. He is faithful.
"For this child I have prayed and the Lord has granted the desires of my heart." - 1 Samuel 1:27
I had a doctors appointment that afternoon so I called my doctors office to tell them what was going on and to ask if I needed to come in now or if it could wait until my appointment. They told me to come in right away so they could check whether it was amniotic fluid or not. I woke Kyle up and told him that my water broke and I needed to go to my doctors office immediately. We were both calm as we got dressed and drove to the office. I was anxious but I knew freaking out wouldn't help anything. If this was indeed my water breaking then there was nothing that could be done to stop it.
When we got to my doctors office I expected to be brought in immediately but they had me go through the usual sign in and then asked me to wait. I was a little confused but did as I was told. I was called in within a few minutes and was again confused as the nurse had me go through the usual appointment procedures. When they put us in a room the nurse took my blood pressure as she normally does and then said, "They said you think your water is leaking" as if it weren't a big deal. I replied by telling her what I had experienced after waking up and that it was still leaking. She had me get undressed from the waist down and put a sheet over my lap then said the doctor would be in soon and left. I expected the doctor to come in fairly quickly but we went through the usual wait. I was confused why they weren't taking this more seriously. Here I was sitting in an ever growing puddle with the fluid running everywhere and they were acting like I was there for my usual appointment. When the doctor finally came in she began talking about the Group B Strep test that I was suppose to have that day. I know I must have been giving her a funny look because I was totally confused about why she was telling me about this test when I came in because my water had broken! When she finished what she was saying I asked, "Did they tell you my water broke?" She replied, "They said you think you're leaking." Finally I told it to her straight, "I'm sitting in a puddle here. It's pretty substantial." She then lifted the sheet and saw what I was talking about. She then realized that I wasn't joking or being a paranoid first time mom or whatever it is she thought I was being...I was freaking serious! She immediately called in a nurse and tested the fluid. Apparently the strip is suppose to turn blue if it's amniotic fluid and it was only turning a bluish green but what else could all this fluid be?! The doctor then checked my cervix and I had dilated 1 cm and was 80% effaced. She began explaining to us that because my water had broken I would need to go to the hospital and stay there until I deliver. She couldn't say when that would be, only that most women deliver within a week of their water breaking. She also expressed to us that, though giving birth at 34 weeks isn't ideal, it also isn't the worst case scenario. She assured us that the baby would most likely be fine though he would have to spend some time in the NICU. Once she finished explaining everything to us, Kyle and I headed to the hospital.
We got to Labor & Delivery at Lake Pointe Medical Center and they put me in triage to begin monitoring the baby, any contractions I might have, as well as do some blood work and insert an IV. I was told they would get me a room as soon as possible but there weren't any available at the moment. It was very uncomfortable in the triage so I was praying a room would open up soon. As I waited, they monitored the baby's heartbeat which sounded good, I wasn't having any contractions, and I got poked a few times. The IV was the worst and it didn't help that it was being done by a student! She got it in but did it wrong and it hurt like hell. She had to take it out and let the nurse do it correctly. I did my best to not get angry about it, though it certainly wasn't pleasant.
Before long they got me a room in Labor & Delivery and I was much more comfortable there. They continued to monitor me and the baby for the rest of the day and throughout the night. Sometime during the night the nurse asked me if I was feeling my contractions and I said, "No, am I having contractions?" She said that I was, about every three to four minutes, but I never felt them. She told me she didn't think I would last through the weekend.
My doctor came to see me the next day and told me the same things she had before. There was no way to know when I would go into labor, that it was normal to have contractions and not feel them, and that she would like to see me go another week. I was moved to a room on the postpartum floor where I would basically just wait to go into labor.
My parents came up on Friday to see me. Kyle and I were suppose to be graduating from Criswell on Saturday so my parents had already taken Friday off of work and already had a hotel room reserved. I am truly thankful that it worked out this way because come Saturday morning I was in labor!
I woke up at 5:30am feeling uncomfortable. I slowly began to experience some pain and by 7am I had what I knew was definitely a contraction. I called the nurse in and told her and that's when Kyle woke up. He began getting ready as they moved me to a room in Labor & Delivery and got me hooked back up to the monitors. The nurse that was there to take care of me was the same nurse that took care of me the day I arrived. I really liked her and was thankful she was my nurse again. She had me on the monitors for a little bit before making an assessment and calling the on-call doctor. I was having contractions every four to five minutes apart with a little irritability in between. I was definitely feeling them this time. My nurse wasn't ready to say that I was in early labor but she called the doctor who decided to treat me as if I were in early labor and to see what happens. Well, the contractions got more intense and I continued to dilate and efface. I was pretty sure it was safe to say I was in labor!
My mom came to the hospital and both she and Kyle stayed with me throughout labor and delivery. I am very thankful my mom was able to be there because she was a huge support. She helped me through my contractions and kept me calm. The contractions felt like menstrual cramps except way more intense. They came and went likes waves, slowly climbing to a climax that hurt like hell and then tapering off. It didn't take very long though for me to jump from a 2 to a 4 and I was able to get an epidural.
The anesthesiologist was a very kind man who explained everything to me as he did it. He was very calming and as gentle as he could be. The worst part in getting the epidural was the numbing shot. He told me it would feel like a bee sting and he wasn't kidding! After that though I didn't feel anything but pressure. Once the epidural was inserted and I was able to lay down, it quickly took affect and I became very numb from the waist down. It was wonderful! I didn't feel anymore contractions and was able to just lay there and rest. Mom, Kyle, and I alternated between talking and resting, just trying to pass the time.
All I ever felt was pressure and it seemed to get stronger and stronger as time passed. The baby was getting into position and entering the birth canal. The nurse finally checked me again and I had reached 10 cm and it was time to start pushing. It seemed to happen so fast. I started pushing at around 3:55pm and he was born at 4:08pm. I have heard of so many women pushing for half an hour or more but apparently I take after my mother and am a really good pusher. Having my mom there certainly helped because every time I heard her say "push" I pushed harder. Also, contrary to popular belief, the epidural did not hinder me from being able to push well at all. My left side felt completely numb and heavy but my right side wasn't as numb so maybe that helped but either way, pushing was fairly easy. I was afraid I would feel pain during the delivery, especially since the epidural seemed to be fading on my right side, but I didn't feel anything but pressure and that was just uncomfortable, not painful. I am very pleased with how well the delivery went and so thankful to God that He orchestrated everything just so.
As soon as Grayson was placed on my stomach and I saw his little face, I started crying. The emotion I felt could only be described as relief and overwhelming love for this little person who had turned our world upside down so suddenly. He was taken to the warmer and the nurses did all of the regular tests and procedures on him. He was eventually wrapped up in a blanket and handed back to me for a little bit. I just stared at him and realized how much he looked like me from the nose down. I expected him to look exactly like Kyle but he shares both of our features. He was so tiny and cute and one of his eyes was opened and he was looking at me. I took him in for as long as I could but the doctor was anxious for him to be taken to the NICU. Apparently the placenta was having a difficult time being delivered. A part of it was stuck to the wall of my uterus and she ended up having to stick her hand up there and tear it off. Thankfully she was able to get it and thankfully I still couldn't feel anything.
They took Grayson to the NICU and the doctor finished up with me and then the nurses helped get me cleaned up. I was able to eat dinner which was wonderful because I hadn't eaten anything since dinner the night before. Between being hungry, tired yet wired, having just given birth, and my baby not being with me, I was very emotional. I remember crying and telling Kyle that I wanted to hold Grayson again. He comforted me but I was feeling kind of out of it and irritated. The right side of my body felt normal again but my left side was still completely numb. I'm sure the hormones weren't helping with my emotions either. All I wanted was to see my son again.
Later I was moved back to my postpartum room and I began to feel better. I wasn't in any pain and my sister and her family had come, as well as lots of other visitors. Kyle was able to go see Grayson first and since only two people are allowed at a time he shuffled in visitors so everyone could see him. Later that night, after getting the okay from my nurse, I was able to go up to the NICU with my sister and a friend. I was able to hold Grayson skin-to-skin and that was a sweet bonding time. It was just what I needed.
Grayson was born May 5th, 2012, at 4:08pm. He was 4 pounds 1 ounce and was 18 inches long. He has been breathing on his own and is generally very healthy. He is just small and premature. He has to be able to maintain his own body temperature and eat on his own before he can come home. He is making steps towards those goals but there is no way for anyone to know exactly when he will meet those goals. Preemies are very unpredictable. He could be doing well one day and not the next. So far he has been doing great and hasn't had any setbacks but no one but God can know what the near future holds. There is a baby girl who was born the same day as Grayson and at 34 weeks too and she isn't doing as well as Grayson is. She was fine but then she suddenly couldn't hold down her food and was spitting up all the time so they are having to take some steps backwards and start her on feedings all over again. This is just an example of the unpredictability. Thankfully, by God's grace and providence, Grayson is eating well and is digesting his food just fine. He keeps his food down and makes dirty diapers. They are slowly increasing his food intake to see how he handles it and so far he's doing great. Right now he is being fed through a tube but they will eventually move to bottle feedings to see how well he does with that. He's a little trooper and from what we can tell he is perfectly healthy, he's just too small and premature to do all that a full term baby could do.
I am continually getting the question, "When does he get to come home?" and trust me, Kyle and I want to know the answer to that question more than anyone. We are very anxious for him to come home and to take on our full parental roles. We just want our baby boy with us. However, we can't answer this question and neither can any of the nurses or doctors in the NICU. It will most likely be a few weeks but there is really no way to know. When they do know something I am sure they will tell us and then we'll tell all of you! Until then, it's just a waiting game.
Please continue to pray for our little family. We appreciate all of the prayer and support that we have received thus far. It has been a huge encouragement and has helped soothe this mother's anxious heart. I truly believe that everything has gone so well and that Grayson is as healthy as he is because of all of the prayers of the saints. God has been gracious and He will see us through this less than ideal situation, as He always does. He is faithful.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Moving Update
As many of you know, Kyle and I are working on moving into a duplex that his parents own. The duplex has been in need of some work so the past month has been spent trying to get things fixed and livable. Kyle and I are clueless when it comes to home repairs and the like so as we started on this endeavor we quickly realized how frustrating these things can become. It takes a lot of time, money, and trial and error. Time is something we don't have much of, money is available but limited, and trial and error is just discouraging. There have been two major things on our list to do as well as some minor necessities and "pretty things."
New Flooring - It comes in very handy to have in-laws who own a flooring store! We got new floors throughout the entire house! At first the kitchen floors weren't going to be replaced but Kyle decided he wanted new floors in there too. I was indifferent but once the new flooring was put down it looked so good and really improved the look of the kitchen.
The Driveway - The driveway had a big pothole on our side. This was a concern for multiple reasons. One, our tiny cars probably wouldn't have survived the drive over it. Two, someone could get hurt if they weren't being careful. And three, it was just unattractive. Thanks to God's provision, our tax refund was able to help us pay for a new driveway. It looks great and Kyle says he's never been so excited about a piece of concrete. :)
The Fence - There is a fence in our backyard but it's old and falling over. There's no gate between our house and the neighbor's fence which renders the fence pretty much pointless. We have a dog so there would be no way of keeping her in and strangers out. Also, the backdoor is in our bedroom so there is also a bit of a safety/privacy issue. Thus, a new fence is a must! Thankfully, the installation of a new fence begins tomorrow at a very reasonable price.
The Kitchen Sink - Something was grossly wrong with the kitchen sink. It was very rusted, I think...I'm not sure what it was because I didn't want to get very close. It looked disgusting and it took forever for water to drain. The disposal didn't work either. So, a new sink and disposal was installed over the weekend thanks to a friend and Kyle's hard work! It was slow going and, because men don't read instructions, wasn't entirely properly installed the first time. . .I guess I should have been supervising more closely. But, it did get finished and now we have a usable, much nicer looking sink!
The Bathtub Trim - The trim (spout, handles, face plate, and shower head) were in very bad shape. The face plate was especially disgusting. Maybe I'm just a snob but there was no way in hell I was going to shower myself in that tub, let alone my baby! So new trim was a must. We thought it was going to be fairly easy. I mean, everything pretty much screws off and on. It's just a matter of getting the right trim, taking off the old, and putting on the new. Well, what was suppose to be an easy project has turned into a pain in the butt.
Last night Kyle and I started putting on the new trim. We started with the handles and it was easy enough. We were feeling pretty good. But then I noticed that one of the parts in the new package was missing! So we were only able to do two of the handles and had to return the other and get another one with all the parts. Kyle did the face plate next and that went okay, though we found out that part of the linkage is broken. Just another part to buy and replace! The spout required plumber's tape, which we didn't have, so we had to put that off too. The shower head, we discovered, isn't made like all the other shower heads we've encountered so we're going to have to look into that some more. Things just kept popping up that we weren't expecting which can get frustrating and discouraging. To make it worse, when Kyle went over there today to put the spout on it wouldn't screw in! There are only two possible sizes for a spout and he had both and neither would screw in. What the heck?! It turns out that the thread on the pipe was so corroded and disgusting that the spout had nothing to screw onto. So, we had to go to the store and buy CLR and then spend about an hour or so scrubbing away. We ran out of time before we could finish cleaning it but we did make some headway!
The Bathroom Sink - We weren't planning on replacing the bathroom sink. It is a bit rusty and broken yet still usable so we were just going to live with it for the time being. Well, last night Kyle touched the worst part of it and it crumbled so we decided we'd better replace it now. Yet another thing to add to the list but I think we'll be glad we did it when it's all said and done.
New Blinds - The blinds that were originally in the windows were very old, dirty, and torn up. The previous tenant smoked quite a bit so you can imagine what that did to them. I wanted the faux wood blinds so we bought some from Lowes. After much dealings with that, we got them installed and they look great! It's amazing what nice blinds will do to the look and feel of a room!
A New Stove & Dishwasher - The stove that was already there was old and didn't completely work. I actually didn't know this until AFTER we got a new one so I'm especially glad we did end up getting a new one! And though there was a place for a dishwasher to be hooked up, there wasn't a dishwasher, so we went ahead and got one of those too. God really blessed us when it came to these appliances. We had gone to Lowes on Thursday and found the stove and dishwasher we wanted. We weren't able to buy them though because we ran out of time and had to leave to make an appointment. Kyle went back the next day to get them and he noticed a stove that had a little sign on it that said that this particular floor model was for sale. He was interested to see what kind of discount would be applied so he asked the sales associate. This stove was originally over $1000 and was not in our price range at all. It turns out that it was marked down to $606! That's about $150 LESS than the stove we were intending to buy! Wow! So Kyle bought that one and, with the money we saved, was able to get a better dishwasher as well. It was such a huge blessing!
Electrical Work - What started out as, "We just need to change a few plugs" became "Oh no, there's something wrong with the wiring." Thankfully, Kyle's friend Michael is an electrician and he was there doing the work for us. Though it took forever (we were there until 1:30am) he eventually did figure out the problem and was able to fix it. Michael has been another huge blessing; we're very thankful for his willingness to help. He's really gone the extra mile for us.
Install New Fans - Kyle mentioned that, at the very least, he wanted to replace the fan in Grayson's room. It's not in good shape and is caked in smoke crap, dust, and who knows what else. We also decided to replace and upgrade the one in the living room. Thankfully, Michael is going to install those for us too.
The Tree in the Backyard - The tree is apparently in amongst a bunch of cables. Kyle, David, and Michael worked out cutting some of the branches that were wrapped around some of cables but the long term solution is cutting the tree down.
I think that about sums it up. We have gotten a lot done and just need to finish some things up this weekend. It's been tiring and frustrating along the way though because things just keep popping up that we weren't expecting. And like I said, Kyle and I are clueless when it comes to stuff like this so we're having to learn as we go. At this point, as we see a light at the end of the tunnel, we are very ready to be done with all of the repairs and get moved in. We still have a baby to prepare for!
I realize some people wouldn't have a problem with dirty parts, old appliances, and would be happy with just making do. And in some circumstances there isn't anything wrong with that but there have been multiple motivations behind getting these things done.
1) Kyle and I do have certain standards and a level of comfortableness. Things don't necessarily have to be in pristine condition but they do need to be clean, safe to use, and durable.
2) We want things to be safe and healthy for a new baby.
3) There is a sense of stewardship, of taking care of what has been given to us. We like to find long term solutions and not just slap some duct tape on it and claim it as being good enough for now.
4) We want to bring up the value of the rental property so that when we move out it can be rented out at a higher value.
These have been our goals and I'm thankful that everything is working out, even though it has taken more time and work than we intended. Hopefully, if everything goes as we plan, we should be able to move in by the end of the month. It will be very nice to finally be able to live there comfortably and start preparing for Grayson's birth. After we get settled in I plan on getting started on washing all of his clothes, bedding, and blankets, and getting everything in his room and closet arranged. It will be so good for me and my nesting urges to get things ready for him! :) It will also be nice to have some alone time with Kyle before we have an ever present baby in need of our attention. Our lives are about to change in big ways which is both scary and exciting but I'm confident that we can do it by relying on each other and on the Lord. It's going to be hard but also fun and I honestly can't think of anyone better to share the journey with. Kyle has been working really hard and I am very proud of him. We both look forward to our near future and bringing our son home!
New Flooring - It comes in very handy to have in-laws who own a flooring store! We got new floors throughout the entire house! At first the kitchen floors weren't going to be replaced but Kyle decided he wanted new floors in there too. I was indifferent but once the new flooring was put down it looked so good and really improved the look of the kitchen.
The Driveway - The driveway had a big pothole on our side. This was a concern for multiple reasons. One, our tiny cars probably wouldn't have survived the drive over it. Two, someone could get hurt if they weren't being careful. And three, it was just unattractive. Thanks to God's provision, our tax refund was able to help us pay for a new driveway. It looks great and Kyle says he's never been so excited about a piece of concrete. :)
The Fence - There is a fence in our backyard but it's old and falling over. There's no gate between our house and the neighbor's fence which renders the fence pretty much pointless. We have a dog so there would be no way of keeping her in and strangers out. Also, the backdoor is in our bedroom so there is also a bit of a safety/privacy issue. Thus, a new fence is a must! Thankfully, the installation of a new fence begins tomorrow at a very reasonable price.
The Kitchen Sink - Something was grossly wrong with the kitchen sink. It was very rusted, I think...I'm not sure what it was because I didn't want to get very close. It looked disgusting and it took forever for water to drain. The disposal didn't work either. So, a new sink and disposal was installed over the weekend thanks to a friend and Kyle's hard work! It was slow going and, because men don't read instructions, wasn't entirely properly installed the first time. . .I guess I should have been supervising more closely. But, it did get finished and now we have a usable, much nicer looking sink!
The Bathtub Trim - The trim (spout, handles, face plate, and shower head) were in very bad shape. The face plate was especially disgusting. Maybe I'm just a snob but there was no way in hell I was going to shower myself in that tub, let alone my baby! So new trim was a must. We thought it was going to be fairly easy. I mean, everything pretty much screws off and on. It's just a matter of getting the right trim, taking off the old, and putting on the new. Well, what was suppose to be an easy project has turned into a pain in the butt.
Last night Kyle and I started putting on the new trim. We started with the handles and it was easy enough. We were feeling pretty good. But then I noticed that one of the parts in the new package was missing! So we were only able to do two of the handles and had to return the other and get another one with all the parts. Kyle did the face plate next and that went okay, though we found out that part of the linkage is broken. Just another part to buy and replace! The spout required plumber's tape, which we didn't have, so we had to put that off too. The shower head, we discovered, isn't made like all the other shower heads we've encountered so we're going to have to look into that some more. Things just kept popping up that we weren't expecting which can get frustrating and discouraging. To make it worse, when Kyle went over there today to put the spout on it wouldn't screw in! There are only two possible sizes for a spout and he had both and neither would screw in. What the heck?! It turns out that the thread on the pipe was so corroded and disgusting that the spout had nothing to screw onto. So, we had to go to the store and buy CLR and then spend about an hour or so scrubbing away. We ran out of time before we could finish cleaning it but we did make some headway!
The Bathroom Sink - We weren't planning on replacing the bathroom sink. It is a bit rusty and broken yet still usable so we were just going to live with it for the time being. Well, last night Kyle touched the worst part of it and it crumbled so we decided we'd better replace it now. Yet another thing to add to the list but I think we'll be glad we did it when it's all said and done.
New Blinds - The blinds that were originally in the windows were very old, dirty, and torn up. The previous tenant smoked quite a bit so you can imagine what that did to them. I wanted the faux wood blinds so we bought some from Lowes. After much dealings with that, we got them installed and they look great! It's amazing what nice blinds will do to the look and feel of a room!
A New Stove & Dishwasher - The stove that was already there was old and didn't completely work. I actually didn't know this until AFTER we got a new one so I'm especially glad we did end up getting a new one! And though there was a place for a dishwasher to be hooked up, there wasn't a dishwasher, so we went ahead and got one of those too. God really blessed us when it came to these appliances. We had gone to Lowes on Thursday and found the stove and dishwasher we wanted. We weren't able to buy them though because we ran out of time and had to leave to make an appointment. Kyle went back the next day to get them and he noticed a stove that had a little sign on it that said that this particular floor model was for sale. He was interested to see what kind of discount would be applied so he asked the sales associate. This stove was originally over $1000 and was not in our price range at all. It turns out that it was marked down to $606! That's about $150 LESS than the stove we were intending to buy! Wow! So Kyle bought that one and, with the money we saved, was able to get a better dishwasher as well. It was such a huge blessing!
Electrical Work - What started out as, "We just need to change a few plugs" became "Oh no, there's something wrong with the wiring." Thankfully, Kyle's friend Michael is an electrician and he was there doing the work for us. Though it took forever (we were there until 1:30am) he eventually did figure out the problem and was able to fix it. Michael has been another huge blessing; we're very thankful for his willingness to help. He's really gone the extra mile for us.
Install New Fans - Kyle mentioned that, at the very least, he wanted to replace the fan in Grayson's room. It's not in good shape and is caked in smoke crap, dust, and who knows what else. We also decided to replace and upgrade the one in the living room. Thankfully, Michael is going to install those for us too.
The Tree in the Backyard - The tree is apparently in amongst a bunch of cables. Kyle, David, and Michael worked out cutting some of the branches that were wrapped around some of cables but the long term solution is cutting the tree down.
I think that about sums it up. We have gotten a lot done and just need to finish some things up this weekend. It's been tiring and frustrating along the way though because things just keep popping up that we weren't expecting. And like I said, Kyle and I are clueless when it comes to stuff like this so we're having to learn as we go. At this point, as we see a light at the end of the tunnel, we are very ready to be done with all of the repairs and get moved in. We still have a baby to prepare for!
I realize some people wouldn't have a problem with dirty parts, old appliances, and would be happy with just making do. And in some circumstances there isn't anything wrong with that but there have been multiple motivations behind getting these things done.
1) Kyle and I do have certain standards and a level of comfortableness. Things don't necessarily have to be in pristine condition but they do need to be clean, safe to use, and durable.
2) We want things to be safe and healthy for a new baby.
3) There is a sense of stewardship, of taking care of what has been given to us. We like to find long term solutions and not just slap some duct tape on it and claim it as being good enough for now.
4) We want to bring up the value of the rental property so that when we move out it can be rented out at a higher value.
These have been our goals and I'm thankful that everything is working out, even though it has taken more time and work than we intended. Hopefully, if everything goes as we plan, we should be able to move in by the end of the month. It will be very nice to finally be able to live there comfortably and start preparing for Grayson's birth. After we get settled in I plan on getting started on washing all of his clothes, bedding, and blankets, and getting everything in his room and closet arranged. It will be so good for me and my nesting urges to get things ready for him! :) It will also be nice to have some alone time with Kyle before we have an ever present baby in need of our attention. Our lives are about to change in big ways which is both scary and exciting but I'm confident that we can do it by relying on each other and on the Lord. It's going to be hard but also fun and I honestly can't think of anyone better to share the journey with. Kyle has been working really hard and I am very proud of him. We both look forward to our near future and bringing our son home!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The Hunger Games
Normally, if anything is popular, I tend to ignore it. If anything has a large following, has a lot of hype, and everyone and their mom is going crazy about it, I secretly loathe whatever it is. I just hate bandwagons. I hate being a sheep. I hate following the crowd. But when The Hunger Games blew up and I slowly began finding out what it was all about, I couldn't help but wonder what the big deal was. Why in the world would everyone love something that is about young people fighting each other to the death for the sake of entertainment? I couldn't let this one go so I decided to pick up book one of The Hunger Games and read it for myself.
I was already under the impression that I wouldn't be a fan but I wanted to give it a fair chance. As I read it though, I really struggled with the content. I struggled with how to feel about it and how to view it from a biblical worldview.
Let me stop there for a moment. Why should I even care about the biblical world view? Why can't I just take the book at face value and enjoy the story? Firstly, I must view everything from a biblical world view. I can't call myself a follower of Christ and then pick and choose when I view things through His lenses. Everything I do, touch, read, and interact with has to be influenced and filtered through the Truth of God's Word. Secondly, this is a book that is about children killing each other. How could I not call that into question and deal with, not just the morality of it, but the theology behind it? How can I ignore it and not put any thought into it beyond, "Oh, that was a good story." I just can't, I have to deal with it.
The first thing I noticed about the book is that it is written in present tense. Most books are written in past tense so automatically, even with the first sentence, this book stands out. I also noticed that the book, contrary to popular belief, is not that well written. I kept in mind that the book was written for kids and thus it's at a lower reading level than I would normally read. It's easy to ignore the poor writing though, even almost forgivable, because the story itself is so intriguing.
Those are just a few minor aspects of the book that I quickly picked up on. The real issue I had with the book is the disturbing topic. Panem is a post-apocalyptic world in which the Capitol (the government) is a very brutal, communistic power over the twelve districts that make up Panem. The Capitol has full control over the districts and they don't allow anyone to forget it. That's the whole point of The Hunger Games; to remind the districts of the power the Capitol has to destroy them.
"Taking the kids from our districts, forcing them to kill one another while we watch - this is the Capitol's way of reminding us how totally we are at their mercy. How little chance we would stand of surviving another rebellion. Whatever words they use, the real message is clear. 'Look how we take your children and sacrifice them and there's nothing you can do. If you lift a finger, we will destroy every last one of you. Just as we did in District Thirteen.'"
The disturbing content doesn't end there. The Hunger Games is put on as a show, a festival, a time of celebration. Everyone outwardly ignores the fact that these children are being forced to fight to the death and that it is being publicly televised for everyone's entertainment. It's all a huge show in order to appease the Capitol and survive. It's all a show at the expense of twenty-three young lives. It is played off as an honor to be chosen but everyone knows that only one can survive and the likely hood of it being a kid from one of the poorer districts is very slim. The kids from the richer districts are well fed, well cared for, and are trained to fight in the Games, while the kids from the poorer districts work for their daily survival. Many of them go without enough food and thus enter the games already very weak and ill prepared. It's tragic if you give yourself enough time to think about it. Also, people make bets on who will be the victor. The whole attitude and approach to these Games is disturbing and anyone who might feel that this is wrong is powerless to speak about it, let alone do anything to stop it.
When the Games begin, the killing begins immediately as everyone fights for supplies, food, and water. As days go on and if there haven't been any killings and if things are getting "boring," the Gamemakers will do something that will drive the tributes out into the open and force them together. These kids are treated as puppets, as pawns in a game, and are at the will of the Gamemakers, the Capital, to make the Games as entertaining as possible. In the Hunger Games, entertainment equals killings and, in this particular game, a partially fabricated love story. Morals don't exist and, if they do, they go flying out the window as the only focus becomes survival at any cost.
However, there are two characters named Katniss and Peeta who are determined to defy the system. They choose to do good. They do kill some of the tributes but they help others, look out for each other, and subtly show their defiance for what they are being forced to do. They are not blood thirsty killers and the readers are made to feel angry and sorry for them. Even at the end when it was just Katniss, Peeta, and Cato left, I found myself rooting for Katniss and Peeta, anxiously waiting for Cato to be killed. I caught myself and was slightly horrified at the thought. Sure, Cato was painted in a negative light as he was one of the strongest of the tributes who had been trained for the Games. And who doesn't love to see the underdogs win? But Cato was just like Katniss and Peeta in the sense that he was unjustly thrown into these Games too and was just as much at the mercy of the Capitol. They were all simply fighting to survive. I brought myself back to neutral ground and finished the book with mixed feelings. What makes Katniss and Peeta better than the other twenty-two tributes? They chose good over evil. They chose love. That is a popular message, one we have heard over and over and over.
Here's my problem with this though and here is the climax of disturbance for me: in this world of The Hunger Games there is no God. With no God, there is no basis for good and there is no eternal hope. In the world of The Hunger Games goodness and hope are found within people and that can only go so far. Ultimately, there is no Good (with a capital "G") and there is definitely no lasting hope. That is the height of disturbance. Why? Because the "good" choices these kids made don't matter. Salvation can't be found in doing good. There is no point in doing good if there is no perfect God to determine what is good and to hold people accountable for their actions. This renders the good Katniss and Peeta chose to do as absolutely pointless and without basis. There is no eternal significance, no holy standard. It is simply human goodness tainted by sin. There is no hope in that. This is the climax of disturbance in The Hunger Games.
I am not saying that reading the book or watching the movie and enjoying it is wrong or sinful. If you liked The Hunger Games and you're a fan please don't read this as condemnation. It is an intriguing story and one that many people would be attracted to. It's human nature to be drawn to violent things and to want the "good" guys to win. In that aspect, The Hunger Games is a typical "good vs. evil" story and the response it has received is a very typical response. I'm not your typical person, however, and I had to take it a bit further than most people would.
My conclusion is this: I'm not jumping on this bandwagon. I most likely won't finish the series and I have no plans to see the movie. I simply don't care enough. It is definitely an interesting story, I won't deny that, but I don't see the point. The fact that it's all depending on human goodness without the sovereignty of a perfect, one true God is quite pointless and has no benefit so I see no need to continue reading. This is a personal choice and, ironically, there is no right or wrong answer. If you enjoy it, then by all means, enjoy! It's just not for me.
______________
By the way, if you want to read incredible writing with genius storytelling of intense action, violence, good vs evil, and eternal hope, pick up a Ted Dekker book! I promise you that it will be far better than The Hunger Games.
I was already under the impression that I wouldn't be a fan but I wanted to give it a fair chance. As I read it though, I really struggled with the content. I struggled with how to feel about it and how to view it from a biblical worldview.
Let me stop there for a moment. Why should I even care about the biblical world view? Why can't I just take the book at face value and enjoy the story? Firstly, I must view everything from a biblical world view. I can't call myself a follower of Christ and then pick and choose when I view things through His lenses. Everything I do, touch, read, and interact with has to be influenced and filtered through the Truth of God's Word. Secondly, this is a book that is about children killing each other. How could I not call that into question and deal with, not just the morality of it, but the theology behind it? How can I ignore it and not put any thought into it beyond, "Oh, that was a good story." I just can't, I have to deal with it.
The first thing I noticed about the book is that it is written in present tense. Most books are written in past tense so automatically, even with the first sentence, this book stands out. I also noticed that the book, contrary to popular belief, is not that well written. I kept in mind that the book was written for kids and thus it's at a lower reading level than I would normally read. It's easy to ignore the poor writing though, even almost forgivable, because the story itself is so intriguing.
Those are just a few minor aspects of the book that I quickly picked up on. The real issue I had with the book is the disturbing topic. Panem is a post-apocalyptic world in which the Capitol (the government) is a very brutal, communistic power over the twelve districts that make up Panem. The Capitol has full control over the districts and they don't allow anyone to forget it. That's the whole point of The Hunger Games; to remind the districts of the power the Capitol has to destroy them.
"Taking the kids from our districts, forcing them to kill one another while we watch - this is the Capitol's way of reminding us how totally we are at their mercy. How little chance we would stand of surviving another rebellion. Whatever words they use, the real message is clear. 'Look how we take your children and sacrifice them and there's nothing you can do. If you lift a finger, we will destroy every last one of you. Just as we did in District Thirteen.'"
The disturbing content doesn't end there. The Hunger Games is put on as a show, a festival, a time of celebration. Everyone outwardly ignores the fact that these children are being forced to fight to the death and that it is being publicly televised for everyone's entertainment. It's all a huge show in order to appease the Capitol and survive. It's all a show at the expense of twenty-three young lives. It is played off as an honor to be chosen but everyone knows that only one can survive and the likely hood of it being a kid from one of the poorer districts is very slim. The kids from the richer districts are well fed, well cared for, and are trained to fight in the Games, while the kids from the poorer districts work for their daily survival. Many of them go without enough food and thus enter the games already very weak and ill prepared. It's tragic if you give yourself enough time to think about it. Also, people make bets on who will be the victor. The whole attitude and approach to these Games is disturbing and anyone who might feel that this is wrong is powerless to speak about it, let alone do anything to stop it.
When the Games begin, the killing begins immediately as everyone fights for supplies, food, and water. As days go on and if there haven't been any killings and if things are getting "boring," the Gamemakers will do something that will drive the tributes out into the open and force them together. These kids are treated as puppets, as pawns in a game, and are at the will of the Gamemakers, the Capital, to make the Games as entertaining as possible. In the Hunger Games, entertainment equals killings and, in this particular game, a partially fabricated love story. Morals don't exist and, if they do, they go flying out the window as the only focus becomes survival at any cost.
However, there are two characters named Katniss and Peeta who are determined to defy the system. They choose to do good. They do kill some of the tributes but they help others, look out for each other, and subtly show their defiance for what they are being forced to do. They are not blood thirsty killers and the readers are made to feel angry and sorry for them. Even at the end when it was just Katniss, Peeta, and Cato left, I found myself rooting for Katniss and Peeta, anxiously waiting for Cato to be killed. I caught myself and was slightly horrified at the thought. Sure, Cato was painted in a negative light as he was one of the strongest of the tributes who had been trained for the Games. And who doesn't love to see the underdogs win? But Cato was just like Katniss and Peeta in the sense that he was unjustly thrown into these Games too and was just as much at the mercy of the Capitol. They were all simply fighting to survive. I brought myself back to neutral ground and finished the book with mixed feelings. What makes Katniss and Peeta better than the other twenty-two tributes? They chose good over evil. They chose love. That is a popular message, one we have heard over and over and over.
Here's my problem with this though and here is the climax of disturbance for me: in this world of The Hunger Games there is no God. With no God, there is no basis for good and there is no eternal hope. In the world of The Hunger Games goodness and hope are found within people and that can only go so far. Ultimately, there is no Good (with a capital "G") and there is definitely no lasting hope. That is the height of disturbance. Why? Because the "good" choices these kids made don't matter. Salvation can't be found in doing good. There is no point in doing good if there is no perfect God to determine what is good and to hold people accountable for their actions. This renders the good Katniss and Peeta chose to do as absolutely pointless and without basis. There is no eternal significance, no holy standard. It is simply human goodness tainted by sin. There is no hope in that. This is the climax of disturbance in The Hunger Games.
I am not saying that reading the book or watching the movie and enjoying it is wrong or sinful. If you liked The Hunger Games and you're a fan please don't read this as condemnation. It is an intriguing story and one that many people would be attracted to. It's human nature to be drawn to violent things and to want the "good" guys to win. In that aspect, The Hunger Games is a typical "good vs. evil" story and the response it has received is a very typical response. I'm not your typical person, however, and I had to take it a bit further than most people would.
My conclusion is this: I'm not jumping on this bandwagon. I most likely won't finish the series and I have no plans to see the movie. I simply don't care enough. It is definitely an interesting story, I won't deny that, but I don't see the point. The fact that it's all depending on human goodness without the sovereignty of a perfect, one true God is quite pointless and has no benefit so I see no need to continue reading. This is a personal choice and, ironically, there is no right or wrong answer. If you enjoy it, then by all means, enjoy! It's just not for me.
______________
By the way, if you want to read incredible writing with genius storytelling of intense action, violence, good vs evil, and eternal hope, pick up a Ted Dekker book! I promise you that it will be far better than The Hunger Games.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Baby Update
I have begun the third and last trimester of my pregnancy. Three more months sounds like a lot but that's only 12 weeks and that doesn't sound like a lot at all. So far this pregnancy has seemed to fly by but I hear the third trimester tends to crawl so we'll see how fast these last 12 weeks go.
I have begun to feel anxious thinking about how close the due date is getting and how much there is still to do. His room isn't ready let alone the house we're suppose to move into! I think about what all needs to be done and all the things we still need and it's a bit overwhelming. I want things to be done and ready well before he arrives but I don't know how realistic that is. The closer I get to his due date the bigger and more uncomfortable I'm going to get which means the harder it's going to be to get everything ready. I wish I could work on things now while I still have the energy.
My stomach has really grown in the past trimester...even in just the past month or so. I see myself in the mirror and I'm amazed at how much I just keep growing! It means he's growing and that means we are indeed approaching his birthday! He is a pretty active baby and enjoys giving me some swift kicks throughout the day amongst a ton of movement. Who knows what he's doing in there sometimes! I love feeling him move though and watching how Kyle reacts to the movements he feels makes me so happy. It reminds us that there really is a little person in there that we are so anxious to meet and get to know!
The trials that I'm facing as I enter the third trimester are aches and pains, emotional roller coasters, and the anxiousness that comes as each week passes by. My hips hurt as they widen and prepare for birth, my back hurts as my growing tummy puts more and more strain on it, my right thigh goes numb thanks to the sciatic nerve acting up, and I'm prone to bursting into tears for no reason at all. The uncontrollable hormones and crying episodes are most upsetting. It's a different kind of emotional breakdown. For one, it usually comes on really quickly and randomly. Everything will be fine, no reason to be upset, and then all of a sudden, BAM! I'm crying my eyes out. For another, I know in my head that there is no rational reason for me to be crying and yet I can't help it. I don't have control over my emotions when this happens and it's really unsettling. Even though it's totally normal and my crazy pregnant hormones are to blame, it's upsetting to feel so sad when I should be so happy. It makes me feel guilty.
So, needless to say, pregnancy is hard at times. It's strange because it's both miserable and wonderful, hard and exciting. A baby changes everything, even from the moment you find out you have conceived. Though I have had, have, and will continue to have my difficult moments, I am very thankful for how well this pregnancy has gone. Everything has been pretty normal, there haven't been a lot of worries or concerns, no ER trips, nothing out of the ordinary. It hasn't even really effected me and Kyle's relationship in a negative way as pregnancy can do sometimes. We've has some rough moments but for the most part it has just drawn us closer together. Kyle has been really great. He's been very supportive and understanding. I'm very blessed to have him as a husband and I'm confident in his ability to be a good father. Though he may be timid at first I think he's going to be very willing to help and do his part with the baby. I can't wait to see him hold our son. :)
All in all, things are going well. I may be getting more and more uncomfortable but Grayson is growing and kicking and getting ready to make his appearance...but hopefully not too soon or too late. :) And, Lord willingly, we'll be ready for him by the time June comes around. It really will be here before we know it!
I have begun to feel anxious thinking about how close the due date is getting and how much there is still to do. His room isn't ready let alone the house we're suppose to move into! I think about what all needs to be done and all the things we still need and it's a bit overwhelming. I want things to be done and ready well before he arrives but I don't know how realistic that is. The closer I get to his due date the bigger and more uncomfortable I'm going to get which means the harder it's going to be to get everything ready. I wish I could work on things now while I still have the energy.
My stomach has really grown in the past trimester...even in just the past month or so. I see myself in the mirror and I'm amazed at how much I just keep growing! It means he's growing and that means we are indeed approaching his birthday! He is a pretty active baby and enjoys giving me some swift kicks throughout the day amongst a ton of movement. Who knows what he's doing in there sometimes! I love feeling him move though and watching how Kyle reacts to the movements he feels makes me so happy. It reminds us that there really is a little person in there that we are so anxious to meet and get to know!
The trials that I'm facing as I enter the third trimester are aches and pains, emotional roller coasters, and the anxiousness that comes as each week passes by. My hips hurt as they widen and prepare for birth, my back hurts as my growing tummy puts more and more strain on it, my right thigh goes numb thanks to the sciatic nerve acting up, and I'm prone to bursting into tears for no reason at all. The uncontrollable hormones and crying episodes are most upsetting. It's a different kind of emotional breakdown. For one, it usually comes on really quickly and randomly. Everything will be fine, no reason to be upset, and then all of a sudden, BAM! I'm crying my eyes out. For another, I know in my head that there is no rational reason for me to be crying and yet I can't help it. I don't have control over my emotions when this happens and it's really unsettling. Even though it's totally normal and my crazy pregnant hormones are to blame, it's upsetting to feel so sad when I should be so happy. It makes me feel guilty.
So, needless to say, pregnancy is hard at times. It's strange because it's both miserable and wonderful, hard and exciting. A baby changes everything, even from the moment you find out you have conceived. Though I have had, have, and will continue to have my difficult moments, I am very thankful for how well this pregnancy has gone. Everything has been pretty normal, there haven't been a lot of worries or concerns, no ER trips, nothing out of the ordinary. It hasn't even really effected me and Kyle's relationship in a negative way as pregnancy can do sometimes. We've has some rough moments but for the most part it has just drawn us closer together. Kyle has been really great. He's been very supportive and understanding. I'm very blessed to have him as a husband and I'm confident in his ability to be a good father. Though he may be timid at first I think he's going to be very willing to help and do his part with the baby. I can't wait to see him hold our son. :)
All in all, things are going well. I may be getting more and more uncomfortable but Grayson is growing and kicking and getting ready to make his appearance...but hopefully not too soon or too late. :) And, Lord willingly, we'll be ready for him by the time June comes around. It really will be here before we know it!
Monday, March 12, 2012
A Redeemed Harlot
Then the word of the LORD came to me, saying, “Son of man, make known to Jerusalem her abominations and say, ‘Thus says the LORD GOD
to Jerusalem, “Your origin and your birth are from the land of the
Canaanite, your father was an Amorite and your mother a Hittite. As for your birth, on
the day you were born your navel cord was not cut, nor were you washed
with water for cleansing; you were not rubbed with salt or even wrapped
in cloths. No eye
looked with pity on you to do any of these things for you, to have
compassion on you. Rather you were thrown out into the open field, for you were abhorred on the day you were born.
“When I passed by you and saw you squirming in your blood, I said to you while you were in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you while you were in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you numerous like plants of the field. Then you grew up, became tall and reached the age for fine ornaments; your breasts were formed and your hair had grown. Yet you were naked and bare.
“Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were at the time for love; so I spread My skirt over you and covered your nakedness. I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine,” declares the Lord GOD. “Then I bathed you with water, washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil. I also clothed you with embroidered cloth and put sandals of porpoise skin on your feet; and I wrapped you with fine linen and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your hands and a necklace around your neck. I also put a ring in your nostril, earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your dress was of fine linen, silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour, honey and oil; so you were exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. Then your fame went forth among the nations on account of your beauty, for it was perfect because of My splendor which I bestowed on you,” declares the Lord GOD.
“But you trusted in your beauty and played the harlot because of your fame, and you poured out your harlotries on every passer-by who might be willing. You took some of your clothes, made for yourself high places of various colors and played the harlot on them, which should never come about nor happen. You also took your beautiful jewels made of My gold and of My silver, which I had given you, and made for yourself male images that you might play the harlot with them. Then you took your embroidered cloth and covered them, and offered My oil and My incense before them. Also My bread which I gave you, fine flour, oil and honey with which I fed you, you would offer before them for a soothing aroma; so it happened,” declares the Lord GOD. “Moreover, you took your sons and daughters whom you had borne to Me and sacrificed them to idols to be devoured. Were your harlotries so small a matter? You slaughtered My children and offered them up to idols by causing them to pass through the fire. Besides all your abominations and harlotries you did not remember the days of your youth, when you were naked and bare and squirming in your blood.
“Then it came about after all your wickedness (‘Woe, woe to you!’ declares the Lord GOD), that you built yourself a shrine and made yourself a high place in every square. You built yourself a high place at the top of every street and made your beauty abominable, and you spread your legs to every passer-by to multiply your harlotry. You also played the harlot with the Egyptians, your lustful neighbors, and multiplied your harlotry to make Me angry. Behold now, I have stretched out My hand against you and diminished your rations. And I delivered you up to the desire of those who hate you, the daughters of the Philistines, who are ashamed of your lewd conduct. Moreover, you played the harlot with the Assyrians because you were not satisfied; you played the harlot with them and still were not satisfied. You also multiplied your harlotry with the land of merchants, Chaldea, yet even with this you were not satisfied.”’”
“How languishing is your heart,” declares the Lord GOD, “while you do all these things, the actions of a bold-faced harlot. When you built your shrine at the beginning of every street and made your high place in every square, in disdaining money, you were not like a harlot. You adulteress wife, who takes strangers instead of her husband! Men give gifts to all harlots, but you give your gifts to all your lovers to bribe them to come to you from every direction for your harlotries. Thus you are different from those women in your harlotries, in that no one plays the harlot as you do, because you give money and no money is given you; thus you are different.”
Therefore, O harlot, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord GOD, “Because your lewdness was poured out and your nakedness uncovered through your harlotries with your lovers and with all your detestable idols, and because of the blood of your sons which you gave to idols, therefore, behold, I will gather all your lovers with whom you took pleasure, even all those whom you loved and all those whom you hated. So I will gather them against you from every direction and expose your nakedness to them that they may see all your nakedness. Thus I will judge you like women who commit adultery or shed blood are judged; and I will bring on you the blood of wrath and jealousy. I will also give you into the hands of your lovers, and they will tear down your shrines, demolish your high places, strip you of your clothing, take away your jewels, and will leave you naked and bare. They will incite a crowd against you and they will stone you and cut you to pieces with their swords. They will burn your houses with fire and execute judgments on you in the sight of many women. Then I will stop you from playing the harlot, and you will also no longer pay your lovers. So I will calm My fury against you and My jealousy will depart from you, and I will be pacified and angry no more. Because you have not remembered the days of your youth but have enraged Me by all these things, behold, I in turn will bring your conduct down on your own head,” declares the Lord GOD, “so that you will not commit this lewdness on top of all your other abominations.
“Behold, everyone who quotes proverbs will quote this proverb concerning you, saying, ‘Like mother, like daughter.’ You are the daughter of your mother, who loathed her husband and children. You are also the sister of your sisters, who loathed their husbands and children. Your mother was a Hittite and your father an Amorite. Now your older sister is Samaria, who lives north of you with her daughters; and your younger sister, who lives south of you, is Sodom with her daughters. Yet you have not merely walked in their ways or done according to their abominations; but, as if that were too little, you acted more corruptly in all your conduct than they. As I live,” declares the Lord GOD, “Sodom, your sister and her daughters have not done as you and your daughters have done. Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had arrogance, abundant food and careless ease, but she did not help the poor and needy. Thus they were haughty and committed abominations before Me. Therefore I removed them when I saw it. Furthermore, Samaria did not commit half of your sins, for you have multiplied your abominations more than they. Thus you have made your sisters appear righteous by all your abominations which you have committed. Also bear your disgrace in that you have made judgment favorable for your sisters. Because of your sins in which you acted more abominably than they, they are more in the right than you. Yes, be also ashamed and bear your disgrace, in that you made your sisters appear righteous.
“Nevertheless, I will restore their captivity, the captivity of Sodom and her daughters, the captivity of Samaria and her daughters, and along with them your own captivity, in order that you may bear your humiliation and feel ashamed for all that you have done when you become a consolation to them. Your sisters, Sodom with her daughters and Samaria with her daughters, will return to their former state, and you with your daughters will also return to your former state. As the name of your sister Sodom was not heard from your lips in your day of pride, before your wickedness was uncovered, so now you have become the reproach of the daughters of Edom and of all who are around her, of the daughters of the Philistines—those surrounding you who despise you. You have borne the penalty of your lewdness and abominations,” the LORD declares. For thus says the Lord GOD, “I will also do with you as you have done, you who have despised the oath by breaking the covenant."
“Nevertheless, I will remember My covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish an everlasting covenant with you. Then you will remember your ways and be ashamed when you receive your sisters, both your older and your younger; and I will give them to you as daughters, but not because of your covenant. Thus I will establish My covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD, so that you may remember and be ashamed and never open your mouth anymore because of your humiliation, when I have forgiven you for all that you have done,” the Lord GOD declares.
~Ezekiel 16 (NASB)
I love this chapter in the Old Testament. It is using the imagery of a harlot to describe Jerusalem's unfaithfulness to Yahweh and the covenant. I don't think it's wrong, however, to replace Jerusalem with the church or, more specifically, with us (born again believers). The first time I read this chapter I was blown away with the way it was written. It is very powerful. In the first three paragraphs you can almost "hear" the love Yahweh has for this baby found in her own blood. Then you begin the fourth paragraph and you can almost "hear" Yahweh's wrath. He is angry. You see it in the way He says, "MY gold and MY silver, which I had given to you!" And then He comes right out and says, "I have stretched out my hand against you." Yahweh is not happy. In the following paragraphs you read about how He poured out His wrath and justice on this harlot with heartbreaking statements like, "I will also do with you as you have done, you who have despised the oath by breaking the covenant." But then comes the next paragraph, the very next sentence even, that declares His faithfulness and grace. After all that this harlot has done and after Yahweh has delivered his wrath and justice upon her, He says, "I will remember My covenant with you." It's the last sentence that gets me the most.
"Thus I will establish My covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD, so that you may remember and be ashamed and never open your mouth anymore because of your humiliation, when I have forgiven you for all that you have done."
I love that. Yahweh justifiably poured out His wrath on this harlot but He didn't end there. He ended with grace and forgiveness. He had made a covenant with her and when Yahweh makes a covenant, He doesn't break it.
Now put yourself in the harlot's place. Does it not become all the more powerful? Do we not at times act like this harlot? It may not be in the literal sense but in many ways we can be unfaithful. "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). We have all been like this harlot; unfaithful, sinful, despised, covenant breakers. We all deserve the wrath and justice that Yahweh displayed. And just like the harlot, we do not deserve the grace and forgiveness Yahweh promised.
Isn't He holy? Isn't He so incredibly holy that He would take us, lying in our own blood, naked, helpless, and forgotten, adorn us with His love, and even when we're unfaithful to Him, that He would discipline us and bring us back into the covenant with grace and forgiveness? He is so holy, so righteous, and so loving.
Every time I read this chapter I am reminded of how much I am like a harlot and of how God, in His holiness and grace, has chosen not to destroy me but to have grace on me. His wrath and justice are real and there are times He delivers or allows that wrath and justice to fall on those He loves but He always ends with grace. It has nothing to do with us but everything to do with His holiness and grace. He chooses those to condemn and those to preserve and He is completely right in doing so. How beautiful it is to experience both God's justice and His grace, His anger and His love. How wonderful it is that He allows us to know Him and that He has forgiven us for all that we have done.
“When I passed by you and saw you squirming in your blood, I said to you while you were in your blood, ‘Live!’ Yes, I said to you while you were in your blood, ‘Live!’ I made you numerous like plants of the field. Then you grew up, became tall and reached the age for fine ornaments; your breasts were formed and your hair had grown. Yet you were naked and bare.
“Then I passed by you and saw you, and behold, you were at the time for love; so I spread My skirt over you and covered your nakedness. I also swore to you and entered into a covenant with you so that you became Mine,” declares the Lord GOD. “Then I bathed you with water, washed off your blood from you and anointed you with oil. I also clothed you with embroidered cloth and put sandals of porpoise skin on your feet; and I wrapped you with fine linen and covered you with silk. I adorned you with ornaments, put bracelets on your hands and a necklace around your neck. I also put a ring in your nostril, earrings in your ears and a beautiful crown on your head. Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your dress was of fine linen, silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour, honey and oil; so you were exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. Then your fame went forth among the nations on account of your beauty, for it was perfect because of My splendor which I bestowed on you,” declares the Lord GOD.
“But you trusted in your beauty and played the harlot because of your fame, and you poured out your harlotries on every passer-by who might be willing. You took some of your clothes, made for yourself high places of various colors and played the harlot on them, which should never come about nor happen. You also took your beautiful jewels made of My gold and of My silver, which I had given you, and made for yourself male images that you might play the harlot with them. Then you took your embroidered cloth and covered them, and offered My oil and My incense before them. Also My bread which I gave you, fine flour, oil and honey with which I fed you, you would offer before them for a soothing aroma; so it happened,” declares the Lord GOD. “Moreover, you took your sons and daughters whom you had borne to Me and sacrificed them to idols to be devoured. Were your harlotries so small a matter? You slaughtered My children and offered them up to idols by causing them to pass through the fire. Besides all your abominations and harlotries you did not remember the days of your youth, when you were naked and bare and squirming in your blood.
“Then it came about after all your wickedness (‘Woe, woe to you!’ declares the Lord GOD), that you built yourself a shrine and made yourself a high place in every square. You built yourself a high place at the top of every street and made your beauty abominable, and you spread your legs to every passer-by to multiply your harlotry. You also played the harlot with the Egyptians, your lustful neighbors, and multiplied your harlotry to make Me angry. Behold now, I have stretched out My hand against you and diminished your rations. And I delivered you up to the desire of those who hate you, the daughters of the Philistines, who are ashamed of your lewd conduct. Moreover, you played the harlot with the Assyrians because you were not satisfied; you played the harlot with them and still were not satisfied. You also multiplied your harlotry with the land of merchants, Chaldea, yet even with this you were not satisfied.”’”
“How languishing is your heart,” declares the Lord GOD, “while you do all these things, the actions of a bold-faced harlot. When you built your shrine at the beginning of every street and made your high place in every square, in disdaining money, you were not like a harlot. You adulteress wife, who takes strangers instead of her husband! Men give gifts to all harlots, but you give your gifts to all your lovers to bribe them to come to you from every direction for your harlotries. Thus you are different from those women in your harlotries, in that no one plays the harlot as you do, because you give money and no money is given you; thus you are different.”
Therefore, O harlot, hear the word of the LORD. Thus says the Lord GOD, “Because your lewdness was poured out and your nakedness uncovered through your harlotries with your lovers and with all your detestable idols, and because of the blood of your sons which you gave to idols, therefore, behold, I will gather all your lovers with whom you took pleasure, even all those whom you loved and all those whom you hated. So I will gather them against you from every direction and expose your nakedness to them that they may see all your nakedness. Thus I will judge you like women who commit adultery or shed blood are judged; and I will bring on you the blood of wrath and jealousy. I will also give you into the hands of your lovers, and they will tear down your shrines, demolish your high places, strip you of your clothing, take away your jewels, and will leave you naked and bare. They will incite a crowd against you and they will stone you and cut you to pieces with their swords. They will burn your houses with fire and execute judgments on you in the sight of many women. Then I will stop you from playing the harlot, and you will also no longer pay your lovers. So I will calm My fury against you and My jealousy will depart from you, and I will be pacified and angry no more. Because you have not remembered the days of your youth but have enraged Me by all these things, behold, I in turn will bring your conduct down on your own head,” declares the Lord GOD, “so that you will not commit this lewdness on top of all your other abominations.
“Behold, everyone who quotes proverbs will quote this proverb concerning you, saying, ‘Like mother, like daughter.’ You are the daughter of your mother, who loathed her husband and children. You are also the sister of your sisters, who loathed their husbands and children. Your mother was a Hittite and your father an Amorite. Now your older sister is Samaria, who lives north of you with her daughters; and your younger sister, who lives south of you, is Sodom with her daughters. Yet you have not merely walked in their ways or done according to their abominations; but, as if that were too little, you acted more corruptly in all your conduct than they. As I live,” declares the Lord GOD, “Sodom, your sister and her daughters have not done as you and your daughters have done. Behold, this was the guilt of your sister Sodom: she and her daughters had arrogance, abundant food and careless ease, but she did not help the poor and needy. Thus they were haughty and committed abominations before Me. Therefore I removed them when I saw it. Furthermore, Samaria did not commit half of your sins, for you have multiplied your abominations more than they. Thus you have made your sisters appear righteous by all your abominations which you have committed. Also bear your disgrace in that you have made judgment favorable for your sisters. Because of your sins in which you acted more abominably than they, they are more in the right than you. Yes, be also ashamed and bear your disgrace, in that you made your sisters appear righteous.
“Nevertheless, I will restore their captivity, the captivity of Sodom and her daughters, the captivity of Samaria and her daughters, and along with them your own captivity, in order that you may bear your humiliation and feel ashamed for all that you have done when you become a consolation to them. Your sisters, Sodom with her daughters and Samaria with her daughters, will return to their former state, and you with your daughters will also return to your former state. As the name of your sister Sodom was not heard from your lips in your day of pride, before your wickedness was uncovered, so now you have become the reproach of the daughters of Edom and of all who are around her, of the daughters of the Philistines—those surrounding you who despise you. You have borne the penalty of your lewdness and abominations,” the LORD declares. For thus says the Lord GOD, “I will also do with you as you have done, you who have despised the oath by breaking the covenant."
“Nevertheless, I will remember My covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish an everlasting covenant with you. Then you will remember your ways and be ashamed when you receive your sisters, both your older and your younger; and I will give them to you as daughters, but not because of your covenant. Thus I will establish My covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD, so that you may remember and be ashamed and never open your mouth anymore because of your humiliation, when I have forgiven you for all that you have done,” the Lord GOD declares.
~Ezekiel 16 (NASB)
I love this chapter in the Old Testament. It is using the imagery of a harlot to describe Jerusalem's unfaithfulness to Yahweh and the covenant. I don't think it's wrong, however, to replace Jerusalem with the church or, more specifically, with us (born again believers). The first time I read this chapter I was blown away with the way it was written. It is very powerful. In the first three paragraphs you can almost "hear" the love Yahweh has for this baby found in her own blood. Then you begin the fourth paragraph and you can almost "hear" Yahweh's wrath. He is angry. You see it in the way He says, "MY gold and MY silver, which I had given to you!" And then He comes right out and says, "I have stretched out my hand against you." Yahweh is not happy. In the following paragraphs you read about how He poured out His wrath and justice on this harlot with heartbreaking statements like, "I will also do with you as you have done, you who have despised the oath by breaking the covenant." But then comes the next paragraph, the very next sentence even, that declares His faithfulness and grace. After all that this harlot has done and after Yahweh has delivered his wrath and justice upon her, He says, "I will remember My covenant with you." It's the last sentence that gets me the most.
"Thus I will establish My covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD, so that you may remember and be ashamed and never open your mouth anymore because of your humiliation, when I have forgiven you for all that you have done."
I love that. Yahweh justifiably poured out His wrath on this harlot but He didn't end there. He ended with grace and forgiveness. He had made a covenant with her and when Yahweh makes a covenant, He doesn't break it.
Now put yourself in the harlot's place. Does it not become all the more powerful? Do we not at times act like this harlot? It may not be in the literal sense but in many ways we can be unfaithful. "For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" (Romans 3:23). We have all been like this harlot; unfaithful, sinful, despised, covenant breakers. We all deserve the wrath and justice that Yahweh displayed. And just like the harlot, we do not deserve the grace and forgiveness Yahweh promised.
Isn't He holy? Isn't He so incredibly holy that He would take us, lying in our own blood, naked, helpless, and forgotten, adorn us with His love, and even when we're unfaithful to Him, that He would discipline us and bring us back into the covenant with grace and forgiveness? He is so holy, so righteous, and so loving.
Every time I read this chapter I am reminded of how much I am like a harlot and of how God, in His holiness and grace, has chosen not to destroy me but to have grace on me. His wrath and justice are real and there are times He delivers or allows that wrath and justice to fall on those He loves but He always ends with grace. It has nothing to do with us but everything to do with His holiness and grace. He chooses those to condemn and those to preserve and He is completely right in doing so. How beautiful it is to experience both God's justice and His grace, His anger and His love. How wonderful it is that He allows us to know Him and that He has forgiven us for all that we have done.
Monday, February 27, 2012
The "S" Word
Sex.
That's a loaded word and a topic I have avoided on my blog. There are boundaries. . .I'm not going to talk about my sex life. . .but there is a way to talk about sex in general in an appropriate way.
I stumbled across a blog a few weeks ago that is written by Sheila Wray Gregoire. She is an author, blogger, speaker, a Christian, a wife, and a mother. Her blog is titled To Love, Honor and Vacuum and this month (the month of February) she is writing a series called 29 Days to Great Sex which is leading up to the release of her new book, A Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex.
I began reading her blog series out of curiosity because it's rare to find anything about sex that is written from a Christian point of view. In fact, sex is often seen as a "bad" word and is usually an avoided topic amongst Christians. It's hard to find something that is open and honest about sex without being trashy. Because of this, so many people enter a sexual relationship (married or otherwise) completely unprepared for all that it entails.
We all grow up having learned about sex through some means. Some of us might have had parents who had "the talk" with us and some might have learned through friends, sex education class, media, experience, or all of the above. My mom had "the talk" with me but it was vague and centered on a classroom mouse. I learned far more about sex through friends and media than I did from "the talk." I distinctly remember my mom telling me that if I had any questions about sex that I was to ask her, not my friends, but I didn't know what questions to ask and even if I did, I didn't feel comfortable bringing them up with my mom. And let's face it, the first time I heard the term "blow job" I wasn't with my mom, I was with my friends. So, no matter if our parents had "the talk" with us or not, we most likely learned about sex through friends, media, and experience. This isn't a good thing because sex is strongly misrepresented to us, especially through media. Sex is made to look fun, easy, and nothing but a physical act that can be done with anyone, for any reason, at any time, and bearing no consequences. Sex has been cheapened and perverted. It has become a means for a man to get a physical release and a woman to get attention that she convinces herself is love. Sex has been so perverted from God's good and amazing purpose for it.
This even happens in marriage. For women, sex can become a chore and can even be non-satisfying in every way. For men, sex can become just a means to an end. Sex is meant for marriage between a man and a woman. Within the context of marriage, sex can be very good. So why are there so many married couples who have very unsatisfying sex lives?
I actually wasn't aware of how bad all of this was until I started reading Sheila's blog. I wasn't aware of how many couples struggle with having satisfying sex lives and I wasn't aware of how badly this false representation of sex is hurting us. It has got me thinking and has really shaped my view of sex. It has ignited in me a desire to speak out against this false understanding of sex and to see other married couples experience a satisfying sex life.
This may sound strange but let me explain. I don't just want other married couples to experience the physical pleasure that can come with having sex but rather understand, accept, and experience the full package. Sex is not just physical. It is also emotional and spiritual (intimate). It is a sacred act between husband and wife.
Since getting married, I have learned how vital sex is in a marriage. It isn't just a "bonus" or an added pleasure. It is a vital component to having a good relationship with your spouse outside of the bedroom. The longer I've been married the more I find this to be true. This is true because sex isn't just a shallow physical act. Within a marriage, sex provides not only physical pleasure, but an emotional and intimate bond that feeds our desire to be wanted, needed, and loved. Even for the man, his deepest desire is not a physical release but to know that he is wanted and loved.
Side Note: Wives, if you are not having regular sex with your husband, not only is he suffering physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. He's suffering spiritually because without you, he's facing even greater temptation to find physical release through some other means. And he's suffering emotionally because he is not feeling desired by you which in turn makes him feel unloved.
So we all have a desire to be loved and we can experience the fulfillment of this desire in the most intimate of ways. Sex can be fulfilling for both the man and the woman when all three aspects of sex (physical, emotional, and spiritual) come into play. This is the way God meant for sex to be. He meant for it to be a physical, emotional, and spiritual act between a husband and wife that satisfies their desire to be loved. He did not mean for it to be a shallow physical act. He did not mean for it to be pornographic and perverted. He meant for it to be a deeply intimate act shared between a husband and wife that strengthens their marriage and their relationship with Him.
This takes work. I think that is probably one of the most surprising things for a person to discover about sex. It takes work. It isn't like those scenes in the movies where both partners passionately dive into bed, both knowing what they are doing, both being physically satisfied, both finding it easy, fun, and needing no commitment. Those scenes are lies. Sex takes work and in order for the work to be done there has to be a commitment. Every sexual encounter is not like those scenes in the movies. It isn't always that easy or fun. It isn't always satisfying. There is a lot more to it than the movies let on. Sex is not just passionate, it is vulnerable, highly vulnerable. That is a hard place to be for many of us. In order to be vulnerable, we have to let our guard down, we have to show ourselves. That can be scary. But when done within the context of a committed marriage, it is a beautiful, freeing experience.
I want to look at the other side for a moment. What is sex like when done outside of marriage? Well, physically it can be good but outside of marriage those other two aspects are either nonexistent or only vaguely present. The spiritual side of it, I would argue, would have to be nonexistent because God does not bless pre-marital sex. Even if sex is physically good outside of marriage, without those other two aspects, all it is is shallow, shameful, sinful, and full of hurt. If you have had sex outside of marriage you have not experienced it in the way it was meant to be, you have only cheapened it and have caused problems for yourself and your relationship with God. I know this because I had sex before I was married. As a result, I felt ashamed, guilty, and it hurt my relationship with Kyle, with God, and even my marriage. Pre-marital sex will effect your marriage and your marital sex life. Even if it has been a while, the baggage will venture into your marriage and wreck its havoc. I believe God had grace on me and my marriage because the consequences that were faced, even though they hurt, could have been a lot worse. He gave me the strength to deal with the shame and hurt of past mistakes and focus on building a healthy marriage. It is only by His grace that any of us can have satisfying marital sex lives. I believe that God wants us to have fulfilling marriages and He wants us to experience sex in the way He created it to be. It is an intimate and holy expression of committed love that was given to us by God Himself. It is meant to physically, emotionally, and spiritually blow our minds. ;)
There is plenty more that can be said but I'll leave that to Sheila. Please check out her blog and read her sex series. Also, check out her book! It will be available for Kindle on February 28th and available in print on March 10th.
That's a loaded word and a topic I have avoided on my blog. There are boundaries. . .I'm not going to talk about my sex life. . .but there is a way to talk about sex in general in an appropriate way.
I stumbled across a blog a few weeks ago that is written by Sheila Wray Gregoire. She is an author, blogger, speaker, a Christian, a wife, and a mother. Her blog is titled To Love, Honor and Vacuum and this month (the month of February) she is writing a series called 29 Days to Great Sex which is leading up to the release of her new book, A Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex.
I began reading her blog series out of curiosity because it's rare to find anything about sex that is written from a Christian point of view. In fact, sex is often seen as a "bad" word and is usually an avoided topic amongst Christians. It's hard to find something that is open and honest about sex without being trashy. Because of this, so many people enter a sexual relationship (married or otherwise) completely unprepared for all that it entails.
We all grow up having learned about sex through some means. Some of us might have had parents who had "the talk" with us and some might have learned through friends, sex education class, media, experience, or all of the above. My mom had "the talk" with me but it was vague and centered on a classroom mouse. I learned far more about sex through friends and media than I did from "the talk." I distinctly remember my mom telling me that if I had any questions about sex that I was to ask her, not my friends, but I didn't know what questions to ask and even if I did, I didn't feel comfortable bringing them up with my mom. And let's face it, the first time I heard the term "blow job" I wasn't with my mom, I was with my friends. So, no matter if our parents had "the talk" with us or not, we most likely learned about sex through friends, media, and experience. This isn't a good thing because sex is strongly misrepresented to us, especially through media. Sex is made to look fun, easy, and nothing but a physical act that can be done with anyone, for any reason, at any time, and bearing no consequences. Sex has been cheapened and perverted. It has become a means for a man to get a physical release and a woman to get attention that she convinces herself is love. Sex has been so perverted from God's good and amazing purpose for it.
This even happens in marriage. For women, sex can become a chore and can even be non-satisfying in every way. For men, sex can become just a means to an end. Sex is meant for marriage between a man and a woman. Within the context of marriage, sex can be very good. So why are there so many married couples who have very unsatisfying sex lives?
I actually wasn't aware of how bad all of this was until I started reading Sheila's blog. I wasn't aware of how many couples struggle with having satisfying sex lives and I wasn't aware of how badly this false representation of sex is hurting us. It has got me thinking and has really shaped my view of sex. It has ignited in me a desire to speak out against this false understanding of sex and to see other married couples experience a satisfying sex life.
This may sound strange but let me explain. I don't just want other married couples to experience the physical pleasure that can come with having sex but rather understand, accept, and experience the full package. Sex is not just physical. It is also emotional and spiritual (intimate). It is a sacred act between husband and wife.
Since getting married, I have learned how vital sex is in a marriage. It isn't just a "bonus" or an added pleasure. It is a vital component to having a good relationship with your spouse outside of the bedroom. The longer I've been married the more I find this to be true. This is true because sex isn't just a shallow physical act. Within a marriage, sex provides not only physical pleasure, but an emotional and intimate bond that feeds our desire to be wanted, needed, and loved. Even for the man, his deepest desire is not a physical release but to know that he is wanted and loved.
Side Note: Wives, if you are not having regular sex with your husband, not only is he suffering physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. He's suffering spiritually because without you, he's facing even greater temptation to find physical release through some other means. And he's suffering emotionally because he is not feeling desired by you which in turn makes him feel unloved.
So we all have a desire to be loved and we can experience the fulfillment of this desire in the most intimate of ways. Sex can be fulfilling for both the man and the woman when all three aspects of sex (physical, emotional, and spiritual) come into play. This is the way God meant for sex to be. He meant for it to be a physical, emotional, and spiritual act between a husband and wife that satisfies their desire to be loved. He did not mean for it to be a shallow physical act. He did not mean for it to be pornographic and perverted. He meant for it to be a deeply intimate act shared between a husband and wife that strengthens their marriage and their relationship with Him.
This takes work. I think that is probably one of the most surprising things for a person to discover about sex. It takes work. It isn't like those scenes in the movies where both partners passionately dive into bed, both knowing what they are doing, both being physically satisfied, both finding it easy, fun, and needing no commitment. Those scenes are lies. Sex takes work and in order for the work to be done there has to be a commitment. Every sexual encounter is not like those scenes in the movies. It isn't always that easy or fun. It isn't always satisfying. There is a lot more to it than the movies let on. Sex is not just passionate, it is vulnerable, highly vulnerable. That is a hard place to be for many of us. In order to be vulnerable, we have to let our guard down, we have to show ourselves. That can be scary. But when done within the context of a committed marriage, it is a beautiful, freeing experience.
I want to look at the other side for a moment. What is sex like when done outside of marriage? Well, physically it can be good but outside of marriage those other two aspects are either nonexistent or only vaguely present. The spiritual side of it, I would argue, would have to be nonexistent because God does not bless pre-marital sex. Even if sex is physically good outside of marriage, without those other two aspects, all it is is shallow, shameful, sinful, and full of hurt. If you have had sex outside of marriage you have not experienced it in the way it was meant to be, you have only cheapened it and have caused problems for yourself and your relationship with God. I know this because I had sex before I was married. As a result, I felt ashamed, guilty, and it hurt my relationship with Kyle, with God, and even my marriage. Pre-marital sex will effect your marriage and your marital sex life. Even if it has been a while, the baggage will venture into your marriage and wreck its havoc. I believe God had grace on me and my marriage because the consequences that were faced, even though they hurt, could have been a lot worse. He gave me the strength to deal with the shame and hurt of past mistakes and focus on building a healthy marriage. It is only by His grace that any of us can have satisfying marital sex lives. I believe that God wants us to have fulfilling marriages and He wants us to experience sex in the way He created it to be. It is an intimate and holy expression of committed love that was given to us by God Himself. It is meant to physically, emotionally, and spiritually blow our minds. ;)
There is plenty more that can be said but I'll leave that to Sheila. Please check out her blog and read her sex series. Also, check out her book! It will be available for Kindle on February 28th and available in print on March 10th.
Friday, February 24, 2012
Thick Skin
I came across an exert of a John Piper sermon on YouTube. It is really good and very relevant. I have posted the video here and I also transcribed it so that you can read it and follow along if you prefer.
"In America, and in little circles where I function, love and
how it gets expressed is in great measure controlled by how we think people are
going to feel about what we say and what we do. America these days it seems to
me, and I see book titles bearing witness to it, are a people, not entirely but
in large measure, with very thin skins. Very given to feeling like victims,
feeling like they’re offended and they’re wounded and they are easily hurt, and
therefore it’s always someone else’s problem we can put our bad feelings on.
Which means that the way we express love to one another and to people we might
think need a tough word gets restricted because we feel ourselves held hostage
by their bad feelings. In other words, if they can convince us by body language
or by words or by lifestyle that if we say this then they are gonna feel bad
and we say, ‘probably not the loving thing to say.’ So instead of the bottom
line of love being a principle or a biblical rule or really what’s best for
people, its just feelings. How are they gonna feel if we do this or say
this? What I’m saying is
Christians ought to be different from our culture. We ought to be different. We
ought not to have thin skins. The church ought to be a place with thick skin.
Why? Because we don’t get our significance and our stability and our security
and our meaning and our worth from what people say about us! Do we? Do you?
I fear many of us do. There is a constant temptation to want to be liked, to
want to have people say nice things about us, we want to be approved, and to
get all of our joy and strength from day to day by the echo of what is coming
back to us in what we say. Bad news! That is bad, bad, bad! That is what human
beings without Christ are. But we are different! Why? We are loved by God, we
are chosen by God, we are forgiven by God, we are accepted by God, we are
indwelt by God, we strengthened by God, we are guided by God, we are secured by
God, we are surrounded by God. He is underneath, He is on top, He is
everywhere. What do we care? Or do we? Do we believe it, that’s the issue. Do
we believe that who we are, where we are going, how we get there, is God’s
thing, not the world’s or even other Christians? And so I just plead with you
not to be apart of the cultural thin skinness, so that when some hard word
lands on you, true or false, some ugly criticism, some slander, or some
legitimate rebuke, you don’t do like the world. The world does generally one of
two things: It shrinks into a little corner of self-pity and woundedness and 'oh
poor me, how could you ever do that to me, oh' or it sues you for harassment!
And they are both pulling from the same issue of thin skin. People who don’t
have their bearings, who don’t have roots, everything is being governed by how
you come on to them. Don’t be like that!"
So GOOD!
Our culture is way too caught up in feelings. We feel more than we think and it is ruining us. We don't even express love the way it should be expressed because we care far too much about feelings. Love is NOT a feeling, by the way. It is an action. It is a choice. And guess what? It often hurts more than it causes happiness.
I'm not saying that we should completely disregard people's feelings. I'm not saying we should all go around hurting each others feelings on purpose. What I am saying is that the bottom line of love should be a principle, a biblical rule, truth, what is best for the person, and not how they are going to feel about it. My parents didn't discipline me based on how I would feel about it. They disciplined me because it was good for me, because they loved me, whether I felt good about it or not. The discipline always hurt, it always made me mad, but that didn't keep them from acting out of love and teaching me that there are standards by which I must live. Our culture thinks that love means we never say anything that might be hurtful, we never disagree, we never judge, and we never say someone is wrong. We all have to tip toe around people's feelings for fear we might offend someone. Sorry, but I don't want to live that way. Contrary to what the world believes, that is not love.
My friend brought something about my behavior to my attention tonight even though there was a chance I would be offended and hurt. She did it out of love because she knew my behavior was disrespectful, hurtful, and unacceptable. Most people would get offended and angry for her judgment and not accept that as love. It did sting to be called out but I want that from her. She cared enough to be bold and call me out for my good, for my benefit, so that I can become more like Jesus. THAT is love.
We get so caught up in feelings that we are completely missing the opportunity to truly love people. We are missing the opportunity for deeper relationships and for a greater understanding of what biblical love and accountability is. Feelings do not last but true love and relationships rooted in Jesus Christ do. Let go of this worldly mentality, let go of the lies our culture feeds, and find biblical truth. There is deep joy and satisfaction to be found there.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
My Thoughts on the Duggar's Loss
Back in December Michelle Duggar went to her 20 week anatomy scan and they were unable to find the heartbeat of her baby. Her 20th child, a girl, had passed away. Any mother's heart would break in that moment yet there have been so many harsh opinions expressed. People are saying that this is what they get for getting pregnant again at her age and after already having so many kids. People even have the audacity to say that this loss is a sign from God to stop having kids. Even those who respect their decision to trust God question whether having more kids is wise considering how hard her last pregnancy was. What I see in these responses is heartlessness, the failure to understand how God works, and the failure to realize what trusting in God means.
A miscarriage is never a "sign" from God that this child should have never been conceived. He is the very One who brought about her conception. God had a purpose for Jubilee. We don't always understand why He does what He does and His purpose for Jubilee may never be realized but we can trust in His sovereignty. The fact that she was conceived was not a surprise to Him. The fact that she didn't come to term was also not a surprise to Him. God knew the entire time what He was doing. I can't say why He allowed Jubilee to be conceived knowing that she would never be born alive but that is where trust must enter in.
Trusting in God doesn't mean that He allows nothing but good to happen. Trusting in Him means relying on His omniscience and sovereignty even when things don't make sense. In fact, it is the tragic times that teach us to trust Him more. Just because Michelle's last pregnancy was so rough and scary doesn't mean that God can no longer be trusted. It doesn't mean that He no longer cares about them. It also doesn't mean that they should avoid going through that again. That is out of their control. I doubt Michelle would choose to have a rough pregnancy, to deal with preeclampsia, or to deliver much too early. Those things are out of her control so she trusts in God to give her a healthy pregnancy and, if problems arise, she trusts Him to work it out according to His will. That is what trust in God looks like. It's giving up control and allowing Him to do His work, whatever that may be.
God's Word says in Romans that He will "work all things together for the good of those who love God and to those who are called according to His purpose." That "working all things together" doesn't always look good to us. It will end up being good in God's eyes but the working it out is often painful for us. The Duggars are probably in pain right now as they deal with this loss but God will work this out for their good. Michelle and Jim Bob may always feel the sting of the death of their daughter but in time they will heal. There is great opportunity in this tragedy for the family to draw even closer to each other and to strengthen their faith and trust in God. There is great opportunity here for sanctification.
The world would look at this tragedy and say things like, "This is a sign to stop having kids," "they brought this on themselves," "they're just causing more pain for their family." But a person who understands what it means to trust God would look at this tragedy and say, "The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
A miscarriage is never a "sign" from God that this child should have never been conceived. He is the very One who brought about her conception. God had a purpose for Jubilee. We don't always understand why He does what He does and His purpose for Jubilee may never be realized but we can trust in His sovereignty. The fact that she was conceived was not a surprise to Him. The fact that she didn't come to term was also not a surprise to Him. God knew the entire time what He was doing. I can't say why He allowed Jubilee to be conceived knowing that she would never be born alive but that is where trust must enter in.
Trusting in God doesn't mean that He allows nothing but good to happen. Trusting in Him means relying on His omniscience and sovereignty even when things don't make sense. In fact, it is the tragic times that teach us to trust Him more. Just because Michelle's last pregnancy was so rough and scary doesn't mean that God can no longer be trusted. It doesn't mean that He no longer cares about them. It also doesn't mean that they should avoid going through that again. That is out of their control. I doubt Michelle would choose to have a rough pregnancy, to deal with preeclampsia, or to deliver much too early. Those things are out of her control so she trusts in God to give her a healthy pregnancy and, if problems arise, she trusts Him to work it out according to His will. That is what trust in God looks like. It's giving up control and allowing Him to do His work, whatever that may be.
God's Word says in Romans that He will "work all things together for the good of those who love God and to those who are called according to His purpose." That "working all things together" doesn't always look good to us. It will end up being good in God's eyes but the working it out is often painful for us. The Duggars are probably in pain right now as they deal with this loss but God will work this out for their good. Michelle and Jim Bob may always feel the sting of the death of their daughter but in time they will heal. There is great opportunity in this tragedy for the family to draw even closer to each other and to strengthen their faith and trust in God. There is great opportunity here for sanctification.
The world would look at this tragedy and say things like, "This is a sign to stop having kids," "they brought this on themselves," "they're just causing more pain for their family." But a person who understands what it means to trust God would look at this tragedy and say, "The Lord gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Love Is In The Air
It's Valentine's Day! The day where everyone gives out candy, flowers, valentines, and shows extra appreciation for that special someone or wishes there was a special someone to spend the day with. Being the closeted romantic that I am, I have always enjoyed Valentine's Day, even when I was single. I didn't loath it like other single gals did. It wasn't always pleasant being reminded that I was single but I would dream of the day when I had someone who loved me and would make the day special. I dreamed of being pursued.
I remember the first Valentine's Day I had with Kyle. We had only been dating a month and I didn't know what to expect. V-Day fell on a Sunday that year so we went to church and then he brought me back to his parents house. He took me to his room where he had transformed it into a private restaurant. He had a table and chairs decked out with a tablecloth, flowers and rose petals, lunch, and sparkling grape juice. He had classical music playing on the TV and rose petals were strewn everywhere. There were also lots of little gifts sitting on the dresser and bedside table. I was blown away. It was the most thoughtful and romantic Valentine's Day I had ever had.
Kyle has yet to outdo that year but he doesn't have to. He's my husband now and everyday is like Valentine's Day in our home. I don't think a day goes by without him telling me that he loves me and he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am. He likes to surprise me with little gifts here and there but I think what I appreciate most is that he never allows me to doubt his love for me. I hear it everyday and I see it in the little things that he does. I see it when he rubs my back, when he gets me glasses of water, when he helps me clean, and when he put things away for me without being asked. I see it when he passes up time to play Skyrim to spend time with me. I see it when he chooses something I like over what he likes. It's the little things, not the big, flashy, expensive things, that show me he loves and appreciates me.
I know of husbands who never tell their wives that they love them and rarely do anything for them. I am so thankful that I have a husband who thinks of me, considers me, and cherishes me. I'm thankful that he tells me and that he shows me on a regular basis. I love him so much.
I remember the first Valentine's Day I had with Kyle. We had only been dating a month and I didn't know what to expect. V-Day fell on a Sunday that year so we went to church and then he brought me back to his parents house. He took me to his room where he had transformed it into a private restaurant. He had a table and chairs decked out with a tablecloth, flowers and rose petals, lunch, and sparkling grape juice. He had classical music playing on the TV and rose petals were strewn everywhere. There were also lots of little gifts sitting on the dresser and bedside table. I was blown away. It was the most thoughtful and romantic Valentine's Day I had ever had.
Kyle has yet to outdo that year but he doesn't have to. He's my husband now and everyday is like Valentine's Day in our home. I don't think a day goes by without him telling me that he loves me and he's constantly telling me how beautiful I am. He likes to surprise me with little gifts here and there but I think what I appreciate most is that he never allows me to doubt his love for me. I hear it everyday and I see it in the little things that he does. I see it when he rubs my back, when he gets me glasses of water, when he helps me clean, and when he put things away for me without being asked. I see it when he passes up time to play Skyrim to spend time with me. I see it when he chooses something I like over what he likes. It's the little things, not the big, flashy, expensive things, that show me he loves and appreciates me.
I know of husbands who never tell their wives that they love them and rarely do anything for them. I am so thankful that I have a husband who thinks of me, considers me, and cherishes me. I'm thankful that he tells me and that he shows me on a regular basis. I love him so much.
I love this song by FM Radio.
Be My Only
"Watch your hands move along my face they trace all the lines I've lived/It isn't hard to love your scars cause that's everywhere you've been"
Be My Only
"Watch your hands move along my face they trace all the lines I've lived/It isn't hard to love your scars cause that's everywhere you've been"
Thursday, January 26, 2012
My Role as Mother
My role as mother is to raise my child in such a way that glorifies God and fulfills His purpose for my child's life.
My role as mother is not about my happiness, convenience, comfort, or pride.
My role as mother is to sacrifice my body, my time, my energy, and my emotions.
My role as mother means not acting out of my woundedness but rather act in such a way that it's all about my child and his relationship to God.
My role as mother is a God ordained calling. It is an honor, a gift, and a blessing. It will further mold me, sharpen me, and increase my trust in, and reliance on, the Lord.
I will never be the perfect mother. I will make mistakes. But, with the Lord as my strength and my foundation, I will always love, cherish, discipline, motivate, teach, and guide my child for his good and God's glory.
My role as mother is not about my happiness, convenience, comfort, or pride.
My role as mother is to sacrifice my body, my time, my energy, and my emotions.
My role as mother means not acting out of my woundedness but rather act in such a way that it's all about my child and his relationship to God.
My role as mother is a God ordained calling. It is an honor, a gift, and a blessing. It will further mold me, sharpen me, and increase my trust in, and reliance on, the Lord.
I will never be the perfect mother. I will make mistakes. But, with the Lord as my strength and my foundation, I will always love, cherish, discipline, motivate, teach, and guide my child for his good and God's glory.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Beginning the Process
Today was a very busy day. My husband and I are getting ready to make the move out of the in-laws house and into a duplex that is owned by his parents. The duplex has been empty for a while and now that we're expecting little Grayson it's time to move out and make room for baby. The duplex is in need of some work but is coming along nicely. New floors got put in today and it's looking great. A friend of mine and I went over and began work on the kitchen. We cleaned out the cabinets and drawers and started lining them. I also wiped down the outside of the fridge and the stove. It's looking much better but there is still some work to be done. We didn't get all of the liner in and the cabinets in the laundry room, as well as the pantry, still need to be cleaned out. The kitchen sink is disgusting as well. I'm not sure what needs to be done there but I know I'm not dealing with it! That is a man's job if there ever was one! lol
There is also some work that needs to be done in the bathroom and the backyard needs a new fence but that is also a man's job. I'm mainly concerned about getting things cleaned and functional at this point. It will still be some time before we can start moving but at least the process is going; I am happy about that. I look forward to getting Grayson's room set up the most I think. I already have it envisioned and I can't wait to make it happen! I think it's going to look really cute. :)
After all of the work today I am feeling quite drained. It still amazes me how little work it takes to wear me out and how much more effort I have to put forth in order to get things done. I think the most exhausting thing I did was scrub the fridge and I was doing that while sitting down! Ha! It did feel good to be active though and I will probably sleep extra good tonight. Especially if I can get Kyle to give me a massage. . .which I can. . .and will. ;)
Goodnight, friends!
There is also some work that needs to be done in the bathroom and the backyard needs a new fence but that is also a man's job. I'm mainly concerned about getting things cleaned and functional at this point. It will still be some time before we can start moving but at least the process is going; I am happy about that. I look forward to getting Grayson's room set up the most I think. I already have it envisioned and I can't wait to make it happen! I think it's going to look really cute. :)
After all of the work today I am feeling quite drained. It still amazes me how little work it takes to wear me out and how much more effort I have to put forth in order to get things done. I think the most exhausting thing I did was scrub the fridge and I was doing that while sitting down! Ha! It did feel good to be active though and I will probably sleep extra good tonight. Especially if I can get Kyle to give me a massage. . .which I can. . .and will. ;)
Goodnight, friends!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Parenting for the Glory of God
I have been reading Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas and it has really got me thinking about my role as a parent. Over the duration of my study of student ministry I have been forming my view of what the parental role is and what the parent-child relationship should look like but this book is solidifying my view.
I remember shopping at Target with my best friend Grace a few months ago and as she and I looked through the racks of clothes, I overheard a mother screeching at her child to stop what she was doing and be quiet. I looked at my friend and whispered, "Don't ever let me talk to my child like that." Was the child being a bit unruly? Maybe. I am of the opinion that the child was just being a child and the mom had no need to yell at her the way she did. I'm sure the mom was irritated but the way she spoke to her child was sad to me. I'm sure there will be times when I lose my cool and speak harshly towards my child but I have already set a goal to train myself to speak firmly but calmly. I never want to abuse my authority as parent and force my kids to act as anything but kids. I want to teach my kids how to behave in public but at the same time, I want them to be kids. I can't expect them to behave as adults now. I don't want to be the kind of parent who makes their kids behave a certain way because it makes it easier on them or so they aren't embarrassed. Parenting isn't about me and my appearance, it's about my kids and their physical, mental, emotional, and most importantly, their spiritual growth.
My hope is to raise godly children but I can't do that without being a godly parent. And even then, God's will must be done above my own. I have no idea what God's will is for this little one I'm carrying; all I can do is honor Him by faithfully fulfilling the role He has called me to fulfill. My role as parent will ultimately be to guide this child toward Jesus and toward God's will for his or her life, whatever that may be. I can dream and have high hopes for my baby to grow up and be an amazing person but more than anything I want him or her to be used according to the purpose God has set for him/her. I have already been praying for my baby's salvation and that he or she will know Jesus, love Him, and be faithful to Him above everything else. That is my greatest hope. But no matter what happens, I must remain faithful to God and be a godly mother, not only for my child, but out of love and honor for God.
I know there will be days (probably more than I would like) when I will be a far from a godly mother. I know I'll get tired and angry. I know I'll yell and do and say things I'll regret. I know I won't be perfect. But I want to always remember that God has given me this child and it is a blessing, a gift, and an honor. I want to always remember that parenting isn't about making me feel good about myself but is just another way that I will be shaped into a more holy and godly person.
I am excited to be a mother and to begin this new journey in parenting with my husband. I cannot wait to teach my child the Word of God, to raise him/her in the Truth. It won't be easy but I do believe with all my heart that it is the greatest thing I could ever devote my life to. I am both honored and humbled that God has called me to motherhood. The thought is both exciting and scary but I am confident in the Lord and in His sovereignty. He will give me the strength, wisdom, patience, and love that I will need to be the mother He has called me to be. I already love this baby and I already want so many things for him/her, but most of all I want to honor God and bring glory to Him through my parenting. That is what it comes down to; not to happiness, not to health or prosperity, not to pride, but to honoring God and glorifying Him. And in doing so, both me and my child's purpose will be fulfilled.
"If our kids never hurt; if they never sin but are only 'sick'; if they never 'fail' but just get 'cheated' by an unfair coach, teacher, principal, and so on - they will never sense their need for a Savior. They will always take Adam's lame approach, blaming someone else for their own spiritual failing. And ultimately they may face God's wrath because of it.
Yes, it hurts us when our kids hurt, but it devastates our kids' eternal perspective far more when we hide their need for a Savior. Our hardest hurt may actually be their most important hurt. What a tragic loss if the hurt we spare ourselves is bought at the price of our children's salvation."
- Sacred Parenting
"Ultimately God's kingdom far outweighs in significance the personal comfort of my children. As much as I adore my children, as crazy as I feel about them, I betray them if I put their happiness and comfort over God's overall purpose in their lives and in our world."
- Sacred Parenting
"Sacred parenting calls me to accept the hardest hurt of all - for the sake of God's kingdom and for the sake of our children's own development. I need to allow my kids to face challenges, failure, rejection, and pain, and then teach them to use these seemingly negative events to fuel their sense of mission and to foster their dependence on God."
- Sacred Parenting
I remember shopping at Target with my best friend Grace a few months ago and as she and I looked through the racks of clothes, I overheard a mother screeching at her child to stop what she was doing and be quiet. I looked at my friend and whispered, "Don't ever let me talk to my child like that." Was the child being a bit unruly? Maybe. I am of the opinion that the child was just being a child and the mom had no need to yell at her the way she did. I'm sure the mom was irritated but the way she spoke to her child was sad to me. I'm sure there will be times when I lose my cool and speak harshly towards my child but I have already set a goal to train myself to speak firmly but calmly. I never want to abuse my authority as parent and force my kids to act as anything but kids. I want to teach my kids how to behave in public but at the same time, I want them to be kids. I can't expect them to behave as adults now. I don't want to be the kind of parent who makes their kids behave a certain way because it makes it easier on them or so they aren't embarrassed. Parenting isn't about me and my appearance, it's about my kids and their physical, mental, emotional, and most importantly, their spiritual growth.
My hope is to raise godly children but I can't do that without being a godly parent. And even then, God's will must be done above my own. I have no idea what God's will is for this little one I'm carrying; all I can do is honor Him by faithfully fulfilling the role He has called me to fulfill. My role as parent will ultimately be to guide this child toward Jesus and toward God's will for his or her life, whatever that may be. I can dream and have high hopes for my baby to grow up and be an amazing person but more than anything I want him or her to be used according to the purpose God has set for him/her. I have already been praying for my baby's salvation and that he or she will know Jesus, love Him, and be faithful to Him above everything else. That is my greatest hope. But no matter what happens, I must remain faithful to God and be a godly mother, not only for my child, but out of love and honor for God.
I know there will be days (probably more than I would like) when I will be a far from a godly mother. I know I'll get tired and angry. I know I'll yell and do and say things I'll regret. I know I won't be perfect. But I want to always remember that God has given me this child and it is a blessing, a gift, and an honor. I want to always remember that parenting isn't about making me feel good about myself but is just another way that I will be shaped into a more holy and godly person.
I am excited to be a mother and to begin this new journey in parenting with my husband. I cannot wait to teach my child the Word of God, to raise him/her in the Truth. It won't be easy but I do believe with all my heart that it is the greatest thing I could ever devote my life to. I am both honored and humbled that God has called me to motherhood. The thought is both exciting and scary but I am confident in the Lord and in His sovereignty. He will give me the strength, wisdom, patience, and love that I will need to be the mother He has called me to be. I already love this baby and I already want so many things for him/her, but most of all I want to honor God and bring glory to Him through my parenting. That is what it comes down to; not to happiness, not to health or prosperity, not to pride, but to honoring God and glorifying Him. And in doing so, both me and my child's purpose will be fulfilled.
"If our kids never hurt; if they never sin but are only 'sick'; if they never 'fail' but just get 'cheated' by an unfair coach, teacher, principal, and so on - they will never sense their need for a Savior. They will always take Adam's lame approach, blaming someone else for their own spiritual failing. And ultimately they may face God's wrath because of it.
Yes, it hurts us when our kids hurt, but it devastates our kids' eternal perspective far more when we hide their need for a Savior. Our hardest hurt may actually be their most important hurt. What a tragic loss if the hurt we spare ourselves is bought at the price of our children's salvation."
- Sacred Parenting
"Ultimately God's kingdom far outweighs in significance the personal comfort of my children. As much as I adore my children, as crazy as I feel about them, I betray them if I put their happiness and comfort over God's overall purpose in their lives and in our world."
- Sacred Parenting
"Sacred parenting calls me to accept the hardest hurt of all - for the sake of God's kingdom and for the sake of our children's own development. I need to allow my kids to face challenges, failure, rejection, and pain, and then teach them to use these seemingly negative events to fuel their sense of mission and to foster their dependence on God."
- Sacred Parenting
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