Tuesday Thoughts

Well, it has been a week and my sleeping habits have improved some. I'm still working on it but I think I've seen some good results. I still feel tired and I don't have a lot of energy but my emotions are better and I don't feel like I'm gonna strangle someone!

I'm not thinking very well today...in fact I just told a friend that I am nearly zombified. So, I'm afraid my thoughts will be fragmented.

A few nights ago for dinner I made braised short ribs in Guinness. I had never braised anything before nor had I ever cooked with beer. It turned out to be a dangerous experience. I knew that hot oil could burn very badly but I had never experienced this before. I was placing these ribs into the pan with the very hot oil and it splattered everywhere on multiple occasions. I didn't feel the initial contact of oil to flesh but later discovered the wound. The oil had eaten through I don't know how many layers of flesh and it burned pretty bad. It was well worth it though because the meal was delicious and Kyle loved it. Next time I make it I'm going to use tongs when putting the meat in the pan! You live and you learn.

Kyle and I are working on setting up our photography business. It has been very time consuming. Pricing things is very boring even if it does mean we might receive some profit. The only thing I like about this whole business scheme is taking pictures and interacting with clients. I'm not a business person at all and find that starting up a business is very boring. The thought of making some money is nice but isn't a real motivation for me. If it weren't for my husband I wouldn't be doing any of this. In fact, I wouldn't have discovered that I enjoy photography. This business, however, is more of Kyle's baby than mine. I help him and though I couldn't care less for money I make sure he isn't selling himself short. I believe we are good photographers and Kyle does have skill so we deserve some payment. I'm just not enjoying the process of setting up and getting started. I simply enjoy taking pictures of people and would love the opportunity to do maternity pictures and kids portraits. That would be fun.

This weekend I am going out to Hidden Acres to help lead a girls leadership retreat. I'm not 100% sure what my role will be...either a small group leader or craft leader or both, I'm not entirely sure yet. But either way, please pray that the weekend will go well and that the Lord will be working in the hearts of the girls who will be there. It's important that young girls understand their roles as females and that they come to know how God views them. If they understand these two things I believe that they can make a difference in the world around them and in everything they touch. They can be leaders and examples of love and faith. Being a female is amazing and wonderfully unique. This is not a message young girls get very often but it is one they need to hear. So be in prayer this weekend for the Daughters of Eve Girls Leadership Retreat.

Well, that's about all that is going on that is new and exciting so until next time...

Everyone have a great week! God bless!
                       

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep!

There once was a time when I had a big imagination and lots of energy to carry out the things my mind would create but once I hit puberty, that all stopped. My creativity has waned though it pops back up every now and then. My energy, on the other hand, is basically completely gone. I don't know where it went or what happened to make it leave. From the time I was a teenager to this day I have complained of always feeling tired and low on energy. Some days are better than others but those days are rare. Even when I get a normal night's sleep I feel tired throughout the day. For being so tired you would think I wouldn't have trouble sleeping! I've gotten blood tests done many times throughout the years to see if I'm low on iron or if there is anything physically wrong that makes me feel this way all the time. Nothing has ever come up, I'm completely healthy. So what's the problem?

I've spoken of my trouble sleeping lately and I might have found a helpful solution. Two nights ago I began taking calcium supplements with vitamin D and from what I can tell, they do make me sleepy. Instead of hours of lying awake, it's now more like one hour. That's still not great but it is an improvement. I'm still sleeping until noon though and that's something I want to stop. This week my goal is to get myself out of bed by 11. I'll gradually work my way to getting out of bed by 9. I think if I do this it will make a difference in how I'm currently feeling. I may always be low on energy and tired but I can't let that so greatly affect my lifestyle. I keep thinking, "I feel like I'm drained now, what am I gonna do when I have a baby?!" So hopefully by the time that happens I'll have better control of this whole sleeping/energy thing. :)

So, as I try to get my sleep schedule correct and my daily schedule back in order I ask that y'all would pray for me! Pray I'll be diligent and have the will power to make myself get out of bed even when I don't want to. And pray that my emotions won't be badly affected because I am so sick and tired of feeling this way. I just want to feel normal!

Cooking for the Betterment of the Family

Ever since I got married I've been cooking dinner for Kyle and his parents. I've never done much cooking before. I've done a lot of baking because that's what I got into when I was younger. I was always baking brownies, cookies, pies and cakes. I learned basic cooking skills by helping and watching my mom but when I began cooking almost every night I found it stressful. I was afraid of burning the food, over cooking, under cooking, or just making a bad tasting meal. The cooking process was stressful and I didn't enjoy it. However, lately I have found myself enjoying it more. I suppose I've gotten use to it now and it's no longer new. I enjoy preparing healthy and tasty meals for my family. I like knowing that I'm not just throwing a pre-made meal into the oven but that I'm chopping, grating, frying, grilling, stirring and mixing in order to make meals from scratch. It makes me feel really accomplished and good about myself when I've prepared a good meal and people enjoy it. It takes a long time to cook a meal, especially if you're making dishes from scratch, but I think it's time well spent. For a while the time bothered me but not so much anymore. I'm learning cooking terminology which helps because that saves me time from looking up terms on Google in the middle of cooking! I'm also learning how to do things more efficiently.

Now that I'm making fresh meals I realized that I could be baking cakes and pies from scratch as well! I've always made brownies and cookies from scratch, never from mixes or pre-made dough but it never occurred to me to make other desserts from scratch as well. So now I make cakes, icing and fillings from scratch as well. Not only does it all taste better but it's better for you too! No trans fat and nothing "fake" about it. I like knowing what I'm putting in my food and I like telling people that this is the real deal; it's not store bought! If any of you want recipes let me know, I'm happy to share. And if any of you want a cake I can not only bake it but I can decorate it too!

I'm still trying to get back to my decorating hobby. I wish I had more time to practice. I'm making a cake for my sister's baby shower and I got a really creative idea for it. I'm hoping it will work out! If it does it will be my most creative one yet. :)

Well, now that all of you are good and hungry, I'm going to go ice some brownies for a party tonight! Good day!

There is No Escape

I am not your normal young woman but what is "normal" anyway?

I was raised by two wonderful parents who taught me to work hard, stay disciplined, to not always take the easy way out, to be honest, faithful, and think for myself. I was home schooled and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Contrary to popular belief I did not grow up in a closet nor was my life perfect bliss. I get good grades and do well in school not because I'm highly intelligent but because I work really hard for what I want. The only thing that comes easy to me is writing, being critical and being angry...though I try to control those last two. I am very opinionated and my mouth gets me in trouble from time to time. When I speak, I am blunt and to the point which makes it hard to take into consideration other people's feelings beforehand but is great for teaching. I have learned to listen well and good before speaking but I could improve. I could improve a lot.

I love to read, write, learn, and teach. I am a perfectionist and hold high standards for myself. . .I fail often. Other people fail me too because I expect more out of them then they will give. I've come to terms with that though and try to find balance.

I love theology. I go to a Bible college and am very passionate about my beliefs. I am so thankful for my education because without it I would not be where I am today; not in my understanding of Jesus Christ, the Gospel, and all things theological, and not in my own mental, physical and spiritual growth. I have much still to learn. I am still not where I know I need to be spiritually. It is a never ending process. I will never be enough on this Earth.

I have found that the hardest thing for me to do is to love people. I am very work focused. I get things done but my relationships tend to fall by the wayside. Amazingly enough God has blessed me with a husband and though I struggle to be a good wife for him, I love him so much and am so thankful for him. It is hard for me to show him and my words aren't always enough.

As you can see, I am far from perfect, but this is me. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it but this is who I am and there is no escape. I hold onto hope and onto God's plan. For whatever reason He saved me, and for whatever reason my husband loves me, so for this I live and continue to learn and grow and be better. It will take a lifetime.


There is No Escape

I can never shut off my mind
I live and relive
The things of yesterday, today and tomorrow
For I cannot escape
That which plagues my mind
That causes me dread
That which takes place in my own head -- me
The me no one knows
The me that thinks those thoughts
And ponders those secret wonders
The me that is better yet worse than I appear
The me who is constantly in fear

I wish I could turn it off
I wish I could get away
But myself is always there,
It will forever stay

There is no escape
There is no escape

My Favorite Time of Year

October is here! The weather is getting cooler (even if it is only in the low 80's here in Texas), the sun is retreating earlier, and Fall is in the air! I love the Fall and Winter seasons. I love the feeling of anticipation, excitement, and coziness I get when this time of year rolls around. The holidays are just around the corner and though a lot of people get all bent out of shape about it, I just get excited! I don't know how anyone could NOT like the holidays. I love everything about it, always have, probably always will. If Kyle and I could have waited long enough I would have wanted to get married in October or November but we just couldn't wait! My longing to be Mrs. Kerby trumped my desire for the ideal wedding. Besides, November already has something special to celebrate (besides Thanksgiving, that is). My birthday! That's probably another reason I like this time of year so much!

This holiday season will be different. I'll have a husband to spend it with and that is special to me. Last season was very difficult for me, I wasn't able to enjoy the holidays like I usually do, but this year, it will be so much better. Though last year was not a good time for me, there was a blessing and joy amidst the heartache. I met Kyle on December 6th. He helped me through the process of healing and letting go. And though my favorite time was tainted that year, Kyle brought with him a little bit of hope. The moment I met him I somehow knew that I could trust him. Kyle possessed a comfort and security that I had never known before in a man. Through the month of December and into January Kyle talked to me everyday and helped me through my time of heart break. This is another reason why this time of year is so special to me. Not only do I remember through these upcoming months of the hope that Jesus gave through his life, death and resurrection which we celebrate through Christmas, but now I remember of a hope that God gave me through a man who became my husband. All of the hope, joy, fun and laughter that I experience during my favorite time of year, through the songs, lights, decorations, the food, the weather, the holiday specials on TV and the holiday spirit, reminds me of the hope and joy I have in Jesus Christ. This may sound odd to you but that's what it is for me, that's why I enjoy this time of year so much. There are so many good memories associated with this time of year and now I can make more good memories with the husband that I love so much.

So, to all you scrooges out there: there is joy to be had during this time of year so stop being so scroogy and find it!