It is difficult to keep all of the information on Grayson straight and the nurses in the NICU aren't always very good about explaining things to us. I've had to do a lot of piecing together of information. We see a new nurse almost every time we go up there and they each do things and say things a little differently. It can be very frustrating. I'm on information overload and I don't remember most of what they tell me. I'm trying to keep it all straight though and I'm learning a little more with each visit. It has been difficult for me because I have spent my whole life around babies and children. I feel very comfortable taking care of babies and I have never doubted my ability to care for my own child. However, I didn't expect to have a preemie. I have no experience with preemies so I don't feel 100% comfortable caring for Grayson, especially in the presence of those who know what they are doing better than I do. Yet I'm his mom so there is a tension there. It's upsetting for me to not be able to completely care for Grayson and to no longer feel confident in myself as a mother. I suppose I should get used to that because I'm sure there will be plenty more times throughout Grayson's life that I will feel inadequate as his mother. It's not easy to accept that and really, more than anything, I just want him home with me where I can be his mom. It's hard to explain how wrong it feels that he's not with me, that I'm currently not his primary care giver. I pray that he can come home soon and that God will grant me patience and peace in the meantime.
From what we understand though, Grayson is doing really well. He is a healthy little guy, just too small and premature to do all that a full term baby could do. He has always been able to breathe on his own just fine so that has never been a concern. The main thing right now is him learning to eat on his own. As of yesterday, he is receiving four bottle feedings a day with his other four feedings being through his tube. I was able to try to feed him a bottle last night but I didn't know how to get him to eat and the nurse wasn't exactly helpful. I had been told by another nurse earlier in the week to hold him partially on his side but I wanted to be shown again so I asked the nurse if there was a particular way I needed to hold him. She just scooted him higher up in my arm and told me to put the bottle in his mouth. He would suck a little and then stop and wouldn't really eat. She told me to turn the nipple in a circle and give him chin support and then she walked away. I tried doing what she said but it wasn't working. When she noticed he wasn't really eating she took him from me and proceeded to do exactly what the other nurse had showed me and he ate just fine. She even contradicted herself and told me I shouldn't hold him the way she had me hold him because it makes him comfortable and puts him to sleep. I was so upset. I understand that this is all new to me and it'll take time for me to learn how to care for him but I am so frustrated with the inconsistency among the nurses because it doesn't make things any easier on me. How do I learn to feed him when the nurses are so inconsistent in how they do things? It's so frustrating.
Anyway, they have been increasing his food intake and he has been responding really well. He continues to digest his food well and make dirty diapers. Last night he was up to 35cc and the nurse said they would leave him at that for a little while. He also weighed in at 4 pounds 5 ounces so he has gained some weight. Overall he is doing great, he just needs time to learn to eat from a bottle without assistance. I'm used to putting a bottle in a baby's mouth and them chowing down without any encouragement and that's where Grayson needs to get to. Keep praying for him and for us as we wait. It has been hard, especially for me, but we are very thankful that he is so healthy and is doing so well. He is such a cute and sweet little guy. We have hardly heard him cry or put up much a fuss except for when they are poking at him. This could change but Kyle's mom swears that, as a baby, Kyle rarely cried so we're wondering if Grayson is going to be that easy as well. He seems so calm and laid back so we'll see if he stays that way. Either way though, I love my baby boy and can't wait until he can come home. I look forward to being mommy in every sense of the word and being able to spend more time with him and get to know him better.
From what we understand though, Grayson is doing really well. He is a healthy little guy, just too small and premature to do all that a full term baby could do. He has always been able to breathe on his own just fine so that has never been a concern. The main thing right now is him learning to eat on his own. As of yesterday, he is receiving four bottle feedings a day with his other four feedings being through his tube. I was able to try to feed him a bottle last night but I didn't know how to get him to eat and the nurse wasn't exactly helpful. I had been told by another nurse earlier in the week to hold him partially on his side but I wanted to be shown again so I asked the nurse if there was a particular way I needed to hold him. She just scooted him higher up in my arm and told me to put the bottle in his mouth. He would suck a little and then stop and wouldn't really eat. She told me to turn the nipple in a circle and give him chin support and then she walked away. I tried doing what she said but it wasn't working. When she noticed he wasn't really eating she took him from me and proceeded to do exactly what the other nurse had showed me and he ate just fine. She even contradicted herself and told me I shouldn't hold him the way she had me hold him because it makes him comfortable and puts him to sleep. I was so upset. I understand that this is all new to me and it'll take time for me to learn how to care for him but I am so frustrated with the inconsistency among the nurses because it doesn't make things any easier on me. How do I learn to feed him when the nurses are so inconsistent in how they do things? It's so frustrating.
Anyway, they have been increasing his food intake and he has been responding really well. He continues to digest his food well and make dirty diapers. Last night he was up to 35cc and the nurse said they would leave him at that for a little while. He also weighed in at 4 pounds 5 ounces so he has gained some weight. Overall he is doing great, he just needs time to learn to eat from a bottle without assistance. I'm used to putting a bottle in a baby's mouth and them chowing down without any encouragement and that's where Grayson needs to get to. Keep praying for him and for us as we wait. It has been hard, especially for me, but we are very thankful that he is so healthy and is doing so well. He is such a cute and sweet little guy. We have hardly heard him cry or put up much a fuss except for when they are poking at him. This could change but Kyle's mom swears that, as a baby, Kyle rarely cried so we're wondering if Grayson is going to be that easy as well. He seems so calm and laid back so we'll see if he stays that way. Either way though, I love my baby boy and can't wait until he can come home. I look forward to being mommy in every sense of the word and being able to spend more time with him and get to know him better.
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