After a bit of a fiasco with the NICU, Grayson has been home for over a week now. It still feels surreal that he's my son and that I'm his mom. Sometimes it feels like I'm just babysitting but then I realize that he's not going anywhere and that he completely relies on me to take care of his every need. This reality excites me in the fact that this is something I have always wanted. This is, without a doubt, what God has called me to do. This is what I was made to do. There is nothing quite like fulfilling your purpose.
However, this reality also scares me because, quite frankly, it exhausts me and it really is never ending. There are no breaks, vacations, or weekends off. It's not like school where I can work towards the "reward" of a weekend of relaxation and doing other things. No, my son has to eat every three hours. His diaper has to be changed. He has to be held and comforted. He has to be bathed. These things seem easy until you're having to do them nearly nonstop. My days seem to run together because I can no longer sleep through the night. I get between 3 and 5 hours of sleep but somehow I manage to get through every day and every night. I don't know how I do it other than I have no choice. It seems like women have a switch that turns on when they become mothers. All of a sudden we are capable of things we would have never dreamed of doing before...like running on basically no sleep on a consistent basis. And somehow, even though I get stressed out, exhausted, and start crying, looking at the face of my son makes it all worth it.
I have only been a mom for three weeks but already I can say that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. What they say is true, having a baby changes everything. All of a sudden my world revolves around this little person. My needs or wants no longer matter as much. I eat just to fill my stomach, I stay in the shower just long enough to get clean, and I sleep only as long as he lets me. As much as I miss the things I used to be able to do and focus on and as hard as taking care of a newborn is, it is the person, the life that has been given to me by God that truly matters. My hope as I transition and adjust is that I glorify God, that I become the mother He wants me to be, that I care for my son in a way that pleases Him. I have found that what I suspected about my relationship with God during this time is true. He is showing me new ways to trust Him, to rely on Him, to find strength in Him. He is humbling me as I feel exhausted and inadequate. He is blessing me as I make it through each day, overcoming fears, learning new things, and tackling the not-so-fun parts of being a mother. He cares about my journey in motherhood and I can rely on Him to travel the journey with me.
I also have a wonderful husband who is proving to be an attentive, loving, and helpful father. He has been changing diapers, giving late night bottle feedings, comforting a crying baby (and a frustrated mommy), cooking, cleaning, going to the store, and being very supportive. This is just as much of an adjustment for him as it is for me but he is doing so well. He loves on his son and is always telling me how great I'm doing and how impressed he is with me. I don't always feel worthy of his words but hearing them is very encouraging and motivating. I am so thankful to be sharing the journey of parenthood with Kyle.
It is hard but I love being a mommy. I have had rough days but I want to enjoy this time in my life because, like the 22 years I have already lived, these years ahead will pass all too quickly. There will come a time when my baby will no longer be a baby and won't want to cuddle with Mommy anymore. So I'll hold on tight while I can and cherish every moment I get with him because, for right now, being in Mommy's arms seems to make all the difference in the world. :)
However, this reality also scares me because, quite frankly, it exhausts me and it really is never ending. There are no breaks, vacations, or weekends off. It's not like school where I can work towards the "reward" of a weekend of relaxation and doing other things. No, my son has to eat every three hours. His diaper has to be changed. He has to be held and comforted. He has to be bathed. These things seem easy until you're having to do them nearly nonstop. My days seem to run together because I can no longer sleep through the night. I get between 3 and 5 hours of sleep but somehow I manage to get through every day and every night. I don't know how I do it other than I have no choice. It seems like women have a switch that turns on when they become mothers. All of a sudden we are capable of things we would have never dreamed of doing before...like running on basically no sleep on a consistent basis. And somehow, even though I get stressed out, exhausted, and start crying, looking at the face of my son makes it all worth it.
I have only been a mom for three weeks but already I can say that it is the hardest thing I have ever done. What they say is true, having a baby changes everything. All of a sudden my world revolves around this little person. My needs or wants no longer matter as much. I eat just to fill my stomach, I stay in the shower just long enough to get clean, and I sleep only as long as he lets me. As much as I miss the things I used to be able to do and focus on and as hard as taking care of a newborn is, it is the person, the life that has been given to me by God that truly matters. My hope as I transition and adjust is that I glorify God, that I become the mother He wants me to be, that I care for my son in a way that pleases Him. I have found that what I suspected about my relationship with God during this time is true. He is showing me new ways to trust Him, to rely on Him, to find strength in Him. He is humbling me as I feel exhausted and inadequate. He is blessing me as I make it through each day, overcoming fears, learning new things, and tackling the not-so-fun parts of being a mother. He cares about my journey in motherhood and I can rely on Him to travel the journey with me.
I also have a wonderful husband who is proving to be an attentive, loving, and helpful father. He has been changing diapers, giving late night bottle feedings, comforting a crying baby (and a frustrated mommy), cooking, cleaning, going to the store, and being very supportive. This is just as much of an adjustment for him as it is for me but he is doing so well. He loves on his son and is always telling me how great I'm doing and how impressed he is with me. I don't always feel worthy of his words but hearing them is very encouraging and motivating. I am so thankful to be sharing the journey of parenthood with Kyle.
It is hard but I love being a mommy. I have had rough days but I want to enjoy this time in my life because, like the 22 years I have already lived, these years ahead will pass all too quickly. There will come a time when my baby will no longer be a baby and won't want to cuddle with Mommy anymore. So I'll hold on tight while I can and cherish every moment I get with him because, for right now, being in Mommy's arms seems to make all the difference in the world. :)
Love this because it's so true! I remember when Judah was a newborn and I would end up with one leg shaved and one not because she would wake up from a nap mid-shower and I would run to get her :-) And you are so right about the switch thing. Before kids, I require at least 8 hours of sleep a night. I am now lucky to get six and those aren't uninterrupted. I somehow survive and manage to function :-) I can promise you, though, it will all be over in an instant. I was almost crying tonight, rocking Judah (which rarely happens) and thinking back to when she was born. Time has gone by so quickly. She's so grown up now, even at 2. She never ceases to amaze me... Yet not long ago, she was the one waking me up at night to eat. And let me tell you, EVERYtime that kid nursed she pooped! I got good at changing diapers in the dark! Haha! Anyway, thank God for wonderful husbands who help us survive the tough times. And before you know it, he'll sleep through the night, be on a regular napping schedule and you'll once again be able to get a decent night's sleep, a good long shower and you will one day feel human again :-)
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