My son was born six weeks early due to my water breaking and spent two weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). My best friend gave birth to her son two months later at five weeks early and he is currently in the NICU with the hopes of going home soon.
We are moms who were only allowed to hold our babies for a few short moments before they were taken from us. We are moms who were unable to begin the sweet bond of breastfeeding right away. We are moms who were unable to room with our babies and begin mothering right away. We are moms whose hearts broke as we went home without our babies. We are moms who went through the emotional pain of being without our precious little ones and only being able to hold them at the permission of a stranger. We are moms who had to momentarily give up the primary caregiver role so that our sons could receive care that we could not give them. It didn't feel right. Our hearts broke as we looked at our little boys all wired and hooked up to monitors, feeding tubes, oxygen, and IVs. We cried when our arms ached to hold them, our lips to kiss them, our hearts to comfort them. It felt so wrong to not have them with us. We weren't ready for this experience, it wasn't how we imagined it.
To have a premature baby that needs to spend time in the NICU is not ideal for any parent but the reality of what we went through was lost on many people. Not only were our little boys in the NICU (and my friend's son having some health issues) but we had to learn how to pump and figure out the exhausting schedule of pumping every three hours AND spend time at the hospital. We are MOM yet we had to figure out how we fit in the context of the NICU, what our responsibilities were, what was expected of us. We were exhausted and in pain, recovering from labor and delivery, dealing with a roller coaster of emotions, and adjusting to a sudden life change. It was not easy.
And though it wasn't easy I do believe that God prepared me for the experience. Even before my son was born, God had built in me the faith and trust I needed to accept whatever would happen. I had determined that God's will and purpose for my son's life was better and greater than my own. I desired God's plan, not mine. I just hadn't imagined that that faith and trust would be challenged from the very beginning. Just a few days before my water broke I had spoken in my church small group about how God allows us to go through storms in order to strengthen our trust in Him and about how I weather those storms. I had no idea, when I spoke those words, what I would be facing later that week. God was preparing me.
Furthermore, what is so amazing, is that God knew that my best friend would have a similar experience. Though her baby has faced more health challenges than mine, my husband and I are able to relate and be there for them in a way we wouldn't have had our son been born full term. It's awesome how God works. He allows trials in our lives but He never leaves us there alone.
Having a premature baby and the NICU experience is not something we would wish on ourselves or anyone else but God was there, He showed Himself, He was glorified. That's exactly what I had been praying for when I would pray for and about my son's life before he was born. May God's will be done, may His purpose be fulfilled in my son's life, whatever that is, whatever it looks like. No matter how painful or seemingly wrong, no matter what it means for my mother's heart, may God's will be done in my son's life. That was and will always be my prayer.
We are moms who were only allowed to hold our babies for a few short moments before they were taken from us. We are moms who were unable to begin the sweet bond of breastfeeding right away. We are moms who were unable to room with our babies and begin mothering right away. We are moms whose hearts broke as we went home without our babies. We are moms who went through the emotional pain of being without our precious little ones and only being able to hold them at the permission of a stranger. We are moms who had to momentarily give up the primary caregiver role so that our sons could receive care that we could not give them. It didn't feel right. Our hearts broke as we looked at our little boys all wired and hooked up to monitors, feeding tubes, oxygen, and IVs. We cried when our arms ached to hold them, our lips to kiss them, our hearts to comfort them. It felt so wrong to not have them with us. We weren't ready for this experience, it wasn't how we imagined it.
To have a premature baby that needs to spend time in the NICU is not ideal for any parent but the reality of what we went through was lost on many people. Not only were our little boys in the NICU (and my friend's son having some health issues) but we had to learn how to pump and figure out the exhausting schedule of pumping every three hours AND spend time at the hospital. We are MOM yet we had to figure out how we fit in the context of the NICU, what our responsibilities were, what was expected of us. We were exhausted and in pain, recovering from labor and delivery, dealing with a roller coaster of emotions, and adjusting to a sudden life change. It was not easy.
And though it wasn't easy I do believe that God prepared me for the experience. Even before my son was born, God had built in me the faith and trust I needed to accept whatever would happen. I had determined that God's will and purpose for my son's life was better and greater than my own. I desired God's plan, not mine. I just hadn't imagined that that faith and trust would be challenged from the very beginning. Just a few days before my water broke I had spoken in my church small group about how God allows us to go through storms in order to strengthen our trust in Him and about how I weather those storms. I had no idea, when I spoke those words, what I would be facing later that week. God was preparing me.
Furthermore, what is so amazing, is that God knew that my best friend would have a similar experience. Though her baby has faced more health challenges than mine, my husband and I are able to relate and be there for them in a way we wouldn't have had our son been born full term. It's awesome how God works. He allows trials in our lives but He never leaves us there alone.
Having a premature baby and the NICU experience is not something we would wish on ourselves or anyone else but God was there, He showed Himself, He was glorified. That's exactly what I had been praying for when I would pray for and about my son's life before he was born. May God's will be done, may His purpose be fulfilled in my son's life, whatever that is, whatever it looks like. No matter how painful or seemingly wrong, no matter what it means for my mother's heart, may God's will be done in my son's life. That was and will always be my prayer.
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