I wish to sleep but I can't. My body hates me because all I've eaten since Tuesday night is a sandwich and some chocolate. My head hurts, my eyes are worn out from crying, and I'm sitting here in the dark, wishing to not be disturbed. What's wrong, you ask? The first huge quarrel between husband and wife is taking place. . .has been since Tuesday night. The contents and details of our argument are not for public knowledge but since this is a blog about my life as a wife I wish to at least mention it. I'm sure every married couple out there can identify. I'm sure they can think back and remember a similar experience. Marriage isn't all peace and harmony. If anything marriage is tearing at each others throats till you figure out how to live with each other. It's the whole "iron sharpens iron" concept and the rubbing of two pieces of sandpaper. You either wear each other out or make each other better. No matter how prepared Kyle and I were for this we still have a lot to learn. It gives me a headache and makes me feel discouraged just thinking about it. Of course, Kyle and I will get through this argument and through all of the other arguments we are sure to have. However, at the moment, it just stinks.
After five months of marriage and living with Kyle, I have learned a lot about him that I didn't know before we got married. I'm sure he could say the same about me. There are just certain things that you'll never learn about a person until you live with them everyday and have to unite yourself to that person to become one entity. I thought it hurt when I argued with a boyfriend but now that it's my husband I'm arguing with, it hurts a hell of a lot more. Why? Because I can't just leave. I can walk away for a time but I can't just go home or just end the relationship. There is no ending this relationship. I'm happy about that, I don't hate my marriage, I don't want to end it, but since I'm hurting for the first time in my marriage, I realize what a huge difference there is between a dating relationship and a marriage relationship. When you get married, you don't just bring sexual intimacy into the relationship, you bring in a whoooole lot more and so does your spouse. At some point the honeymoon (whether you had a real one or not) ends and you've gotta figure out what the hell you're doing. Living in a blissful state is not reality and making each other happy all the time is impossible. Who would have thought that, when you love each other so much, making a life together would be so dang hard.
A key component to a happy marriage is communication. Now, communication has always been a hard one for me. I am a complete failure when it comes to communicating well. I think and I write and that's as far as I can go. Speaking with an individual is incredibly hard for me. I always feel stupid afterward because what I really wished to communicate didn't happen. For instance, everything that I have written I could NOT have spoken to you. If I tried to verbally communicate all of this to you I would have failed miserably. This is why I write. When I write, I can communicate what I want to say and I can do it well. This is horrible when it comes to my marriage though. I want so desperately to be able to verbally communicate with my husband but I have proven to be a failure at this so many times. Once or twice I have written a journal entry and then handed my journal to Kyle so he could read what I had been thinking and feeling since I could not simply tell him. If only I could do this all the time but since I can't. . .I don't know what to do. I need to learn to just say what I want to say instead of keeping my mouth shut and bottling it up until I explode. Oh, but the fear that grips me when I want to speak. . .it's like there is an invisible hand clamped over my mouth, forcing me to keep quiet. I don't have this problem if I'm teaching a lesson or giving a speech because then I am expected to speak and others are expected to listen. It's only with individual people or any informal group of people that I don't know well. I can't even communicate effectively with my husband when it really matters. So, as I would do with anyone, I withdraw and when pushed or when I just can't take it anymore, I explode. As with any explosive, the contents of my heart and mind go everywhere, damaging myself and those around me. I don't know how to change this other than forcing myself to speak but I know that after this has calmed and settled, I will return to my old ways and the cycle will just begin again. God help me.
