My Christmas was a wonderful time spent with family. I got to meet and hold my baby niece Cilicia and cherished the time I spent with her. She is so cute and cuddly! :)
Christmas Eve Eve was my little sister's birthday so me, Kyle, and our friend Chase helped chaperon her birthday party. We had like 15 teenage girls we had to keep busy so we led games for them. That was both fun and chaotic. Teenage girls like to scream and have a hard time focusing...I had forgotten. ;)
Christmas Eve was spent baking our favorite cookie recipes: chocolate chip and butter cookies. My big brother, John-Paul, used to do all the baking when he was younger but then past it on to me when I was old enough. So I baked the chocolate chip and he baked the butter cookies. John-Paul kept remembering all of the food we used to eat growing up and the different old recipes in the family. It was fun to reminisce and fill our bellies with cookies.
Later that night we went to the Christmas Eve Candle Light Service at my parent's church then came home and ordered pizza. Yum! Later, my sister-in-law (who usually opens presents on Christmas Eve) convinced my brother to open a present from her. We were all glad she did because it was an Xbox Kinect! John-Paul hooked it up and we all played for hours. It was really fun and hilarious to watch each other play. Even my mom got in on it and we all laughed as she danced, kicked, and punched the air. As someone who usually doesn't like video games, I really enjoyed it because one, it got the whole family involved and two, YOU are the controller which means your whole body is moving and being active. I felt so sore for like two days after that night!
Around 10 or 11 the electricity started to blink on and off. It was really weird because it wouldn't just blink but click off for a minute and then come back on and then cut off again. Finally it cut off completely and we had to light candles. It had been raining that night and apparently lighting struck a power line. We were without electricity until around midnight but we kept ourselves occupied. We surrounded ourselves with candles and played Pictionary. That was fun and I do believe I was the winner in that game. :)
Christmas Day my sister had us all up early. We opened presents and then lounged around and played some more Kinect until we went over to my grandparents house for lunch. It was a good, tiring day and we all slept in Sunday morning. Kyle and I took our time moving around but eventually headed home by 2pm.
It was a great Christmas and probably the most fun my family has had all together in a long time. It was a blessing to have everyone there and, for the most part, getting along and having a good time together. I am thankful to God for a wonderful Christmas season and an awesome year. He has blessed me greatly.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Monday, December 20, 2010
This Christmas
This Christmas is me and Kyle's first Christmas together. So far it has had its ups and downs but I think this week should be a good one. Kyle is working today and tomorrow and Wednesday we are spending the day preparing to travel on Thursday. There is laundry to do, clothes to pack, and a few more presents to wrap. On Thursday we'll head to Spring, TX to spend Christmas with my family. My big brother and his wife are coming from Austin as well so my parents will have all their kids home for Christmas! It will be the first time for all of us to be together for a holiday in two years! I think the last time was Thanksgiving 2008. Kyle and I will both have our cameras so we'll get lots of family pictures! I'm excited and looking forward to the few days we get to be there.
I love Christmas time but as I get older it seems that life experiences take away the magical feeling that Christmas time used to bring. I don't want to become a Scrooge or a Grinch, I want to always love and enjoy Christmas, but it becomes harder with each year. However, along with those hard life experiences comes the lesson of learning to trust God and have faith in Him. So, this Christmas, as with any Christmas, I recall to the forefront of my mind the birth of Jesus Christ and the Father's plan of redemption. I remember the hope that I have because of Christ's birth, death, and resurrection. I remember that Jesus is the reason of every day, of every step, and of every breath. Whether Christmas comes in that magical way or not, the purpose of this holiday remains the same; to celebrate God's perfect Gift of salvation, love, and grace.
"And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.'"-- Luke 2:8-12
I love Christmas time but as I get older it seems that life experiences take away the magical feeling that Christmas time used to bring. I don't want to become a Scrooge or a Grinch, I want to always love and enjoy Christmas, but it becomes harder with each year. However, along with those hard life experiences comes the lesson of learning to trust God and have faith in Him. So, this Christmas, as with any Christmas, I recall to the forefront of my mind the birth of Jesus Christ and the Father's plan of redemption. I remember the hope that I have because of Christ's birth, death, and resurrection. I remember that Jesus is the reason of every day, of every step, and of every breath. Whether Christmas comes in that magical way or not, the purpose of this holiday remains the same; to celebrate God's perfect Gift of salvation, love, and grace.
"And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, 'Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.'"-- Luke 2:8-12
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The Truth about Adolescence
I am convinced that this culture has caused our youth to feel hopeless and helpless and as a result they have retreated to the world beneath, the one place they feel safe from adult agendas and uncompassionate criticism, and have been abandoned by the adults that surround them. Instead of rushing to their aid to fight for them and to understand their world, adults have heaped expectations, criticism and unjust evaluations upon them. We have handed them a journey of pain and confusion and have stepped back to watch them try to make it all on their own. And when they fail, we deem them unworthy of adulthood. This is the world of our adolescents and it's our fault.
Check out these books to read more about this issue of adolescence and systematic abandonment.
Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a Myspace World
Hurt: Inside the World of Today's Teengage
Check out these books to read more about this issue of adolescence and systematic abandonment.
Disconnected: Parenting Teens in a Myspace World
Hurt: Inside the World of Today's Teengage
Monday, December 13, 2010
Birth Control: Right or Wrong?
After my last post about children I started getting questions about my view of birth control. My immediate response was more or less, "I don't know, I'm still thinking about it."
While preparing for marriage I read a book about sexual intimacy in marriage and it covered the different forms of birth control. With the exception of condoms, all of them left a small window of chance for an egg to be fertilized and then terminated or they sounded shady in a way that made me feel uneasy. I discussed it with Kyle and we both quickly agreed that we would not take that chance. So, as a person who values the sanctity of life and lives by biblical standards, I would argue that using most forms of birth control is wrong. Of course, that leaves myself and anyone else who has faced this with the question, what about condoms or any other "safe" form of birth control? And is using birth control failing to trust God with this area of our life? After a long discussion with my husband and some time in prayer, I came to the conclusion that it is not wrong to use condoms but neither is it wrong to not use condoms.
I believe that a couple can use condoms and still be trusting in God to determine the right time for them to have a child. If they continually seek God's will through prayer then I believe that God will let them know when it's time. And of course condoms or any means of birth control do not limit God. He holds all things together and works all things out according to His will.
On the other extreme, I don't believe that it is wrong or irresponsible of a couple to not use birth control as long as it is something that God has convicted them of. I do believe that God opens and closes the womb and that He is in complete control. If a couple has sought God's wisdom and feels strongly that they should forgo birth control then I believe that they are completely right to do so.
That is my view on birth control. I know that this is a hot topic and that there are many different opinions. It was hard to think through and come to a conclusion. It's a gray area for Christians and I think the best thing to do is to seek God's will and wisdom through prayer and trust in Him. He knows what is best for your marriage and family. I think that is something that all young married couples and parents can find peace in.
While preparing for marriage I read a book about sexual intimacy in marriage and it covered the different forms of birth control. With the exception of condoms, all of them left a small window of chance for an egg to be fertilized and then terminated or they sounded shady in a way that made me feel uneasy. I discussed it with Kyle and we both quickly agreed that we would not take that chance. So, as a person who values the sanctity of life and lives by biblical standards, I would argue that using most forms of birth control is wrong. Of course, that leaves myself and anyone else who has faced this with the question, what about condoms or any other "safe" form of birth control? And is using birth control failing to trust God with this area of our life? After a long discussion with my husband and some time in prayer, I came to the conclusion that it is not wrong to use condoms but neither is it wrong to not use condoms.
I believe that a couple can use condoms and still be trusting in God to determine the right time for them to have a child. If they continually seek God's will through prayer then I believe that God will let them know when it's time. And of course condoms or any means of birth control do not limit God. He holds all things together and works all things out according to His will.
On the other extreme, I don't believe that it is wrong or irresponsible of a couple to not use birth control as long as it is something that God has convicted them of. I do believe that God opens and closes the womb and that He is in complete control. If a couple has sought God's wisdom and feels strongly that they should forgo birth control then I believe that they are completely right to do so.
That is my view on birth control. I know that this is a hot topic and that there are many different opinions. It was hard to think through and come to a conclusion. It's a gray area for Christians and I think the best thing to do is to seek God's will and wisdom through prayer and trust in Him. He knows what is best for your marriage and family. I think that is something that all young married couples and parents can find peace in.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Is There Such a Thing as TOO Many Kids?
I come from a family of nine. I have a mom and a dad, two older siblings, and four younger siblings. People consider us a big family and I remember how people would react when they saw all of us together growing up. My parents usually got the question, "Are they all yours?" People were always interested in the dynamics of a large family yet no one ever really understood. It seems that, for a lot of people, the thought of having more than two or three kids is ridiculous. There are people who would say having a big family is irresponsible and even wrong. I don't agree with those statements at all. I believe children are a blessing and a gift from God. I believe couples should have as many children as God would grant them. God, in His sovereignty, knows how many children each couple should have. I acknowledge that sometimes God grants none, one, just a few, or even as many as 20.
I think most people are familiar with the Duggar family who, as of right now, are a family of 21. My feelings toward this family consist of admiration and respect. I think it is awesome that God has given Michelle and Jim Bob 19 kids to raise and has provided the means in which for them to do so. I admire their trust in God and their willingness to accept each child He gives them. Their lives revolve around the children God has given to them and they appear to fulfill their roles as parents by teaching, guiding, loving, and raising their children to be godly men and women. I believe that every parent should devote themselves to their children in this way. And in doing so, they are devoting themselves to God and His calling of them as parents; to take His children, train them up in the way they should go, and then give them back to Him.
Now, I don't want anyone to misunderstand me. I'm not saying that once you're a parent that you're never anything else. I do believe that parents have other roles in life as well. They aren't just parents but also a spouse, a friend, a co-worker, ect. Parents have hobbies and dreams as well and I believe that every parent needs a break every now and then and needs to have a "life" outside of their kids as long as it doesn't affect the kids in a negative way. My point is that to be a parent is a very high calling and to be given the opportunity to love and raise as many children as God would give is a gift no one should deny.
I don't think that there is such a thing as TOO many kids. I believe that God gives as many kids as He sees fit to each couple and that number, whatever it is, is just right.
All my life I have had a strong desire to be a mother. I have always said that I want four or five because in my mind that's not too few and not too many. However, when Kyle and I were preparing for marriage and discussed children we both agreed that we would trust God with how many kids we will have. We both have our own ideas about what number would be a good "fit" in our eyes but that is only in our eyes. Neither of us have ever been a parent before so we both admit that after baby number 1 our minds could change entirely. So, instead of relying on ourselves to make a "responsible" decision, we are trusting God to steer our hearts and minds towards His will for our family. We will receive with joy every child He gives us and will seek His will about when we have "enough."
So too many kids? No way.
Many blessings bestowed on those undeserving? Yes.
I think most people are familiar with the Duggar family who, as of right now, are a family of 21. My feelings toward this family consist of admiration and respect. I think it is awesome that God has given Michelle and Jim Bob 19 kids to raise and has provided the means in which for them to do so. I admire their trust in God and their willingness to accept each child He gives them. Their lives revolve around the children God has given to them and they appear to fulfill their roles as parents by teaching, guiding, loving, and raising their children to be godly men and women. I believe that every parent should devote themselves to their children in this way. And in doing so, they are devoting themselves to God and His calling of them as parents; to take His children, train them up in the way they should go, and then give them back to Him.
Now, I don't want anyone to misunderstand me. I'm not saying that once you're a parent that you're never anything else. I do believe that parents have other roles in life as well. They aren't just parents but also a spouse, a friend, a co-worker, ect. Parents have hobbies and dreams as well and I believe that every parent needs a break every now and then and needs to have a "life" outside of their kids as long as it doesn't affect the kids in a negative way. My point is that to be a parent is a very high calling and to be given the opportunity to love and raise as many children as God would give is a gift no one should deny.
I don't think that there is such a thing as TOO many kids. I believe that God gives as many kids as He sees fit to each couple and that number, whatever it is, is just right.
All my life I have had a strong desire to be a mother. I have always said that I want four or five because in my mind that's not too few and not too many. However, when Kyle and I were preparing for marriage and discussed children we both agreed that we would trust God with how many kids we will have. We both have our own ideas about what number would be a good "fit" in our eyes but that is only in our eyes. Neither of us have ever been a parent before so we both admit that after baby number 1 our minds could change entirely. So, instead of relying on ourselves to make a "responsible" decision, we are trusting God to steer our hearts and minds towards His will for our family. We will receive with joy every child He gives us and will seek His will about when we have "enough."
So too many kids? No way.
Many blessings bestowed on those undeserving? Yes.
Fall 2010 Semester is Over
Semesters seem to begin and end in a whirlwind. As always, it's weird to go from nonstop reading and studying to absolutely nothing school related. I woke up today, petted my dog and told her, "Trudy, I don't know what to do today." lol No worries, I found things to do. There were dishes to clean and put away, clothes to wash, and some reading for pure enjoyment to be done.
I also tried watching a TV show called Psych since my beloved Monk has come to an end. I didn't like it so much. I didn't understand why he didn't just tell the police that he's gifted in noticing small but key details that most other people overlook instead of lying about being a psychic. I watched two episodes but I didn't really get into it. Monk is way better! While watching that show it felt like Monk and I had become best friends and when it ended, a little something died in me that day. I even cried! lol Monk is the best TVshow ever and I will have to revisit it soon!
Not only did my semester end this week but my newest niece, Cilicia Rose, was born on Tuesday morning! She's so cute with such pinchable cheeks! I can't wait to meet her and hold her when I go down to Houston for Christmas. It's a little weird not being there for her birth because I was there when her siblings were born. I was at the hospital when Isabella was born, at the house watching Isabella when Malea was born, and when I found out Levi was born, I was able to head down to Houston that day with a friend to see him. This time I have to wait a few weeks and it's killing me! I can't wait to see her!
I also tried watching a TV show called Psych since my beloved Monk has come to an end. I didn't like it so much. I didn't understand why he didn't just tell the police that he's gifted in noticing small but key details that most other people overlook instead of lying about being a psychic. I watched two episodes but I didn't really get into it. Monk is way better! While watching that show it felt like Monk and I had become best friends and when it ended, a little something died in me that day. I even cried! lol Monk is the best TVshow ever and I will have to revisit it soon!
Not only did my semester end this week but my newest niece, Cilicia Rose, was born on Tuesday morning! She's so cute with such pinchable cheeks! I can't wait to meet her and hold her when I go down to Houston for Christmas. It's a little weird not being there for her birth because I was there when her siblings were born. I was at the hospital when Isabella was born, at the house watching Isabella when Malea was born, and when I found out Levi was born, I was able to head down to Houston that day with a friend to see him. This time I have to wait a few weeks and it's killing me! I can't wait to see her!
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| Cilicia Rose DeAses December 7, 2010 |
Monday, November 22, 2010
Happy Birthday to Me
My birthday was great. Kyle and I laid in bed most of the day watching Monk and eating lunch. Kyle gave me a box of chocolates and a Christmas tree in a box! Later we got ready and Kyle drove us to Firewheel where he took me to James Avery and had me pick out a pearl ring! I found one I liked, he bought it, and then we headed to Allen to watch the Americans game. We got there pretty early so we ate at Which Wich and then went to Kirklands just to look around. We ended up buying an antique looking book and a nutcracker that Kyle found hilarious. Then we went to the event center and watched the Americans play an awesome game. I've never seen them so aggressive! They won 4 to 1 making my birthday a total success. lol I had a good time and give full credit to my husband. :)
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
21 Years of Life
Friday is my birthday. I will be 21.
I know that is not old. I know that 21 is quite young. Life goes by so fast though. I remember when I was little thinking about how the ages of 16, 18 and 21 were so old and so far off. When I was a kid life seemed so slow and so familiar. It was easy then. Safe. Secure. It felt like I had all the time in the world. Now, however, I have seen how fast time flies. I'm a senior in college and a wife. All my life I wanted it to happen so quickly but it felt like it was happening so slowly. And now, when I want it all to slow down, it just seems to fly be even faster. It's funny how life is like that.
For my birthday, Kyle is taking me to the Allen Americans game Friday night. I'm so excited! They better win because if they don't it will spoil my birthday. ;) Kyle also has the day off Friday so I'll get to spend the whole day with my honey! I'm looking forward to it. :)
I am thankful for life and the 21 years God has granted me thus far. He has been faithful, just and forgiving. I look forward to the years ahead and the blessings and hardships He has in store for me.
Happy birthday to me! :)
P.S:
I still love being married. It's the greatest and most challenging experience of my life. Kyle is such a good man. His smile and silliness lights up my life and keeps me going. He is a good second half, and he keeps me balanced. I love him very much. . .more than words can say.
I know that is not old. I know that 21 is quite young. Life goes by so fast though. I remember when I was little thinking about how the ages of 16, 18 and 21 were so old and so far off. When I was a kid life seemed so slow and so familiar. It was easy then. Safe. Secure. It felt like I had all the time in the world. Now, however, I have seen how fast time flies. I'm a senior in college and a wife. All my life I wanted it to happen so quickly but it felt like it was happening so slowly. And now, when I want it all to slow down, it just seems to fly be even faster. It's funny how life is like that.
For my birthday, Kyle is taking me to the Allen Americans game Friday night. I'm so excited! They better win because if they don't it will spoil my birthday. ;) Kyle also has the day off Friday so I'll get to spend the whole day with my honey! I'm looking forward to it. :)
I am thankful for life and the 21 years God has granted me thus far. He has been faithful, just and forgiving. I look forward to the years ahead and the blessings and hardships He has in store for me.
Happy birthday to me! :)
P.S:
I still love being married. It's the greatest and most challenging experience of my life. Kyle is such a good man. His smile and silliness lights up my life and keeps me going. He is a good second half, and he keeps me balanced. I love him very much. . .more than words can say.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Children are a Blessing
Children are a blessing not because they are given to you to obey your every rule, to live up to your expectations, to live in such a way as to not make you look bad, to love you, to listen to you, or to make every moment a joy. No, children are a blessing because they are given to you, a poor, pathetic mess of a person, as a gift to teach you, grow you, and edify you as you pour everything you have into them. They are a blessing because God uses them to sanctify you as you stand by them no matter what they do or who they become.
Parents, would you agree? Give your thoughts.
Parents, would you agree? Give your thoughts.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Patience and Contentment
Plans don't always pan out, they don't always remain the same.
I had planned to go to China in March but that fell through. I don't have the time or focus to raise money right now. There are too many other things going on right now . . . not to mention still being a newlywed! I'll have to fulfill my mission practicum trip later and I am okay with that.
What was much harder to accept was the fact that I won't be graduating until December 2011. I was planning on graduating in May 2011 but I found out that I had more classes to take than I thought. In order to graduate in May I would have to take 17 hours next semester. Kyle and I both agreed that 17 hours would be too much work and very hard to schedule around his job. So, I will be adding an Education minor to my degree so that I will have 24 hours left to take which means 12 hours next semester and 12 hours the following semester. Though it is disappointing to have to drag this out longer I know it will work out better. I get to add another minor of interest and will still receive financial aid. What really stinks however is that even though I will finish my degree requirements in December 2011, I won't actually graduate until May 2012. Criswell does not have a December graduation and I will not be given my diploma unless I have a special need. So I will have to wait 5 months to actually receive my diploma and be considered a graduate. I think that's stupid but there's nothing I can do about it. I think I've come to accept it but it's still annoying.
I love my in-laws and I appreciate them letting Kyle and I live with them but I am anxious for us to have our own place. I want a clean and organized house where I can put things where I want them and decorate how I like. The plan is to save up money and move out next year but I'm worried it might take longer than that. Some plans can't be fulfilled until this happens which makes me worry even more.
Kyle has started new hours at his job this week. He is now working 3 days a week from 12pm to 12am. It means more time at home which is nice but him not coming home until late takes some getting use to.
I've never been a fan of change. I like to have plans and stick to them. It gives me security, stability, and comfort. Unfortunately, life is not like that. I am having to learn patience and contentment. I am trying to be patient and content with the way things are knowing that it won't always be this way. I will graduate and one day we will have our own place. Hopefully Kyle will be able to have a more permanent and secure job soon so that we can start saving more.
These things can be frustrating and discouraging but such is life. I know that I need to be patient, find contentment with where I am now, and trust that God is sovereign even over my little plans. I can find security, stability and comfort in knowing that God is in control and is looking out for us. Everything will be okay.
I had planned to go to China in March but that fell through. I don't have the time or focus to raise money right now. There are too many other things going on right now . . . not to mention still being a newlywed! I'll have to fulfill my mission practicum trip later and I am okay with that.
What was much harder to accept was the fact that I won't be graduating until December 2011. I was planning on graduating in May 2011 but I found out that I had more classes to take than I thought. In order to graduate in May I would have to take 17 hours next semester. Kyle and I both agreed that 17 hours would be too much work and very hard to schedule around his job. So, I will be adding an Education minor to my degree so that I will have 24 hours left to take which means 12 hours next semester and 12 hours the following semester. Though it is disappointing to have to drag this out longer I know it will work out better. I get to add another minor of interest and will still receive financial aid. What really stinks however is that even though I will finish my degree requirements in December 2011, I won't actually graduate until May 2012. Criswell does not have a December graduation and I will not be given my diploma unless I have a special need. So I will have to wait 5 months to actually receive my diploma and be considered a graduate. I think that's stupid but there's nothing I can do about it. I think I've come to accept it but it's still annoying.
I love my in-laws and I appreciate them letting Kyle and I live with them but I am anxious for us to have our own place. I want a clean and organized house where I can put things where I want them and decorate how I like. The plan is to save up money and move out next year but I'm worried it might take longer than that. Some plans can't be fulfilled until this happens which makes me worry even more.
Kyle has started new hours at his job this week. He is now working 3 days a week from 12pm to 12am. It means more time at home which is nice but him not coming home until late takes some getting use to.
I've never been a fan of change. I like to have plans and stick to them. It gives me security, stability, and comfort. Unfortunately, life is not like that. I am having to learn patience and contentment. I am trying to be patient and content with the way things are knowing that it won't always be this way. I will graduate and one day we will have our own place. Hopefully Kyle will be able to have a more permanent and secure job soon so that we can start saving more.
These things can be frustrating and discouraging but such is life. I know that I need to be patient, find contentment with where I am now, and trust that God is sovereign even over my little plans. I can find security, stability and comfort in knowing that God is in control and is looking out for us. Everything will be okay.
Monday, November 1, 2010
I Love Being a Woman!
"You know the depths of my heart and still love me the same/You are amazing God..."
This past weekend was a blast! The girls leadership retreat went really well and it was just fun to be with a bunch of girls. Though I was there as a leader to hang out with the "retreaters" I found myself being encouraged and refreshed.
It was a year or so ago when I learned how amazing it is to be a woman and how dear to the Lord's heart I am. I read the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and it opened up my eyes to my role as a woman and the fact that the way I feel and respond to the world is something I share with all women. I long to unveil beauty, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to be wanted, needed, pursued. And like all women, I live in fear of being too much or not enough. I strive to be just right but I always miss the mark. . .so I hide and pretend and hope that no one ever discovers how tired, how lonely, and how desperate I really am.
It was amazing to read this book because it felt like the authors had peered into my heart and where writing about me. And in a way, they were. It was so good to know that I wasn't alone in these desires, thoughts, and fears. And it was even better to discover that all of these desires (the desire to be seen, to unveil beauty, to be loved, pursued, and a part of a romantic adventure) was put within me by God Himself. I am like this because I was made in His image. My very essence is beauty because my Creator is Beauty. I bear the part of God's image that is beautiful, romantic, soft, gentle, emotional, relational, and feminine. Creation was not complete without woman, in fact it wasn't even good. God made woman because it was not good for man to be alone. God made woman to be his helpmate, to be his life sustainer. That is an amazing role to have! I appreciate it even more now that I am married. When my husband tells me how much he loves me and what an incredible woman I am it reminds me of the role I play in his life. It is a role no one else can play in the way that I can. The romantic side of me finds it simply wonderful and hopelessly romantic.
I was also reminded this weekend that though my husband loves me like no other man ever has, God knows the deepest depths of my heart and still loves me the same. I have an amazing husband but an even more amazing God. The fact that both my God and my husband will love me whether I am too much or not enough in this world makes me a very blessed woman.
I love being a woman!
"He is jealous for me/Loves like a hurricane/I am a tree/Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy/When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory/and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me/How He loves us/Oh how He loves us/Oh how He loves us/How He loves us all"
This past weekend was a blast! The girls leadership retreat went really well and it was just fun to be with a bunch of girls. Though I was there as a leader to hang out with the "retreaters" I found myself being encouraged and refreshed.
It was a year or so ago when I learned how amazing it is to be a woman and how dear to the Lord's heart I am. I read the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and it opened up my eyes to my role as a woman and the fact that the way I feel and respond to the world is something I share with all women. I long to unveil beauty, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to be wanted, needed, pursued. And like all women, I live in fear of being too much or not enough. I strive to be just right but I always miss the mark. . .so I hide and pretend and hope that no one ever discovers how tired, how lonely, and how desperate I really am.
It was amazing to read this book because it felt like the authors had peered into my heart and where writing about me. And in a way, they were. It was so good to know that I wasn't alone in these desires, thoughts, and fears. And it was even better to discover that all of these desires (the desire to be seen, to unveil beauty, to be loved, pursued, and a part of a romantic adventure) was put within me by God Himself. I am like this because I was made in His image. My very essence is beauty because my Creator is Beauty. I bear the part of God's image that is beautiful, romantic, soft, gentle, emotional, relational, and feminine. Creation was not complete without woman, in fact it wasn't even good. God made woman because it was not good for man to be alone. God made woman to be his helpmate, to be his life sustainer. That is an amazing role to have! I appreciate it even more now that I am married. When my husband tells me how much he loves me and what an incredible woman I am it reminds me of the role I play in his life. It is a role no one else can play in the way that I can. The romantic side of me finds it simply wonderful and hopelessly romantic.
I was also reminded this weekend that though my husband loves me like no other man ever has, God knows the deepest depths of my heart and still loves me the same. I have an amazing husband but an even more amazing God. The fact that both my God and my husband will love me whether I am too much or not enough in this world makes me a very blessed woman.
I love being a woman!
"He is jealous for me/Loves like a hurricane/I am a tree/Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy/When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory/and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me/How He loves us/Oh how He loves us/Oh how He loves us/How He loves us all"
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Tuesday Thoughts
Well, it has been a week and my sleeping habits have improved some. I'm still working on it but I think I've seen some good results. I still feel tired and I don't have a lot of energy but my emotions are better and I don't feel like I'm gonna strangle someone!
I'm not thinking very well today...in fact I just told a friend that I am nearly zombified. So, I'm afraid my thoughts will be fragmented.
A few nights ago for dinner I made braised short ribs in Guinness. I had never braised anything before nor had I ever cooked with beer. It turned out to be a dangerous experience. I knew that hot oil could burn very badly but I had never experienced this before. I was placing these ribs into the pan with the very hot oil and it splattered everywhere on multiple occasions. I didn't feel the initial contact of oil to flesh but later discovered the wound. The oil had eaten through I don't know how many layers of flesh and it burned pretty bad. It was well worth it though because the meal was delicious and Kyle loved it. Next time I make it I'm going to use tongs when putting the meat in the pan! You live and you learn.
Kyle and I are working on setting up our photography business. It has been very time consuming. Pricing things is very boring even if it does mean we might receive some profit. The only thing I like about this whole business scheme is taking pictures and interacting with clients. I'm not a business person at all and find that starting up a business is very boring. The thought of making some money is nice but isn't a real motivation for me. If it weren't for my husband I wouldn't be doing any of this. In fact, I wouldn't have discovered that I enjoy photography. This business, however, is more of Kyle's baby than mine. I help him and though I couldn't care less for money I make sure he isn't selling himself short. I believe we are good photographers and Kyle does have skill so we deserve some payment. I'm just not enjoying the process of setting up and getting started. I simply enjoy taking pictures of people and would love the opportunity to do maternity pictures and kids portraits. That would be fun.
This weekend I am going out to Hidden Acres to help lead a girls leadership retreat. I'm not 100% sure what my role will be...either a small group leader or craft leader or both, I'm not entirely sure yet. But either way, please pray that the weekend will go well and that the Lord will be working in the hearts of the girls who will be there. It's important that young girls understand their roles as females and that they come to know how God views them. If they understand these two things I believe that they can make a difference in the world around them and in everything they touch. They can be leaders and examples of love and faith. Being a female is amazing and wonderfully unique. This is not a message young girls get very often but it is one they need to hear. So be in prayer this weekend for the Daughters of Eve Girls Leadership Retreat.
Well, that's about all that is going on that is new and exciting so until next time...
Everyone have a great week! God bless!
I'm not thinking very well today...in fact I just told a friend that I am nearly zombified. So, I'm afraid my thoughts will be fragmented.
A few nights ago for dinner I made braised short ribs in Guinness. I had never braised anything before nor had I ever cooked with beer. It turned out to be a dangerous experience. I knew that hot oil could burn very badly but I had never experienced this before. I was placing these ribs into the pan with the very hot oil and it splattered everywhere on multiple occasions. I didn't feel the initial contact of oil to flesh but later discovered the wound. The oil had eaten through I don't know how many layers of flesh and it burned pretty bad. It was well worth it though because the meal was delicious and Kyle loved it. Next time I make it I'm going to use tongs when putting the meat in the pan! You live and you learn.
Kyle and I are working on setting up our photography business. It has been very time consuming. Pricing things is very boring even if it does mean we might receive some profit. The only thing I like about this whole business scheme is taking pictures and interacting with clients. I'm not a business person at all and find that starting up a business is very boring. The thought of making some money is nice but isn't a real motivation for me. If it weren't for my husband I wouldn't be doing any of this. In fact, I wouldn't have discovered that I enjoy photography. This business, however, is more of Kyle's baby than mine. I help him and though I couldn't care less for money I make sure he isn't selling himself short. I believe we are good photographers and Kyle does have skill so we deserve some payment. I'm just not enjoying the process of setting up and getting started. I simply enjoy taking pictures of people and would love the opportunity to do maternity pictures and kids portraits. That would be fun.
This weekend I am going out to Hidden Acres to help lead a girls leadership retreat. I'm not 100% sure what my role will be...either a small group leader or craft leader or both, I'm not entirely sure yet. But either way, please pray that the weekend will go well and that the Lord will be working in the hearts of the girls who will be there. It's important that young girls understand their roles as females and that they come to know how God views them. If they understand these two things I believe that they can make a difference in the world around them and in everything they touch. They can be leaders and examples of love and faith. Being a female is amazing and wonderfully unique. This is not a message young girls get very often but it is one they need to hear. So be in prayer this weekend for the Daughters of Eve Girls Leadership Retreat.
Well, that's about all that is going on that is new and exciting so until next time...
Everyone have a great week! God bless!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sleep, Sleep, Sleep!
There once was a time when I had a big imagination and lots of energy to carry out the things my mind would create but once I hit puberty, that all stopped. My creativity has waned though it pops back up every now and then. My energy, on the other hand, is basically completely gone. I don't know where it went or what happened to make it leave. From the time I was a teenager to this day I have complained of always feeling tired and low on energy. Some days are better than others but those days are rare. Even when I get a normal night's sleep I feel tired throughout the day. For being so tired you would think I wouldn't have trouble sleeping! I've gotten blood tests done many times throughout the years to see if I'm low on iron or if there is anything physically wrong that makes me feel this way all the time. Nothing has ever come up, I'm completely healthy. So what's the problem?
I've spoken of my trouble sleeping lately and I might have found a helpful solution. Two nights ago I began taking calcium supplements with vitamin D and from what I can tell, they do make me sleepy. Instead of hours of lying awake, it's now more like one hour. That's still not great but it is an improvement. I'm still sleeping until noon though and that's something I want to stop. This week my goal is to get myself out of bed by 11. I'll gradually work my way to getting out of bed by 9. I think if I do this it will make a difference in how I'm currently feeling. I may always be low on energy and tired but I can't let that so greatly affect my lifestyle. I keep thinking, "I feel like I'm drained now, what am I gonna do when I have a baby?!" So hopefully by the time that happens I'll have better control of this whole sleeping/energy thing. :)
So, as I try to get my sleep schedule correct and my daily schedule back in order I ask that y'all would pray for me! Pray I'll be diligent and have the will power to make myself get out of bed even when I don't want to. And pray that my emotions won't be badly affected because I am so sick and tired of feeling this way. I just want to feel normal!
I've spoken of my trouble sleeping lately and I might have found a helpful solution. Two nights ago I began taking calcium supplements with vitamin D and from what I can tell, they do make me sleepy. Instead of hours of lying awake, it's now more like one hour. That's still not great but it is an improvement. I'm still sleeping until noon though and that's something I want to stop. This week my goal is to get myself out of bed by 11. I'll gradually work my way to getting out of bed by 9. I think if I do this it will make a difference in how I'm currently feeling. I may always be low on energy and tired but I can't let that so greatly affect my lifestyle. I keep thinking, "I feel like I'm drained now, what am I gonna do when I have a baby?!" So hopefully by the time that happens I'll have better control of this whole sleeping/energy thing. :)
So, as I try to get my sleep schedule correct and my daily schedule back in order I ask that y'all would pray for me! Pray I'll be diligent and have the will power to make myself get out of bed even when I don't want to. And pray that my emotions won't be badly affected because I am so sick and tired of feeling this way. I just want to feel normal!
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Cooking for the Betterment of the Family
Ever since I got married I've been cooking dinner for Kyle and his parents. I've never done much cooking before. I've done a lot of baking because that's what I got into when I was younger. I was always baking brownies, cookies, pies and cakes. I learned basic cooking skills by helping and watching my mom but when I began cooking almost every night I found it stressful. I was afraid of burning the food, over cooking, under cooking, or just making a bad tasting meal. The cooking process was stressful and I didn't enjoy it. However, lately I have found myself enjoying it more. I suppose I've gotten use to it now and it's no longer new. I enjoy preparing healthy and tasty meals for my family. I like knowing that I'm not just throwing a pre-made meal into the oven but that I'm chopping, grating, frying, grilling, stirring and mixing in order to make meals from scratch. It makes me feel really accomplished and good about myself when I've prepared a good meal and people enjoy it. It takes a long time to cook a meal, especially if you're making dishes from scratch, but I think it's time well spent. For a while the time bothered me but not so much anymore. I'm learning cooking terminology which helps because that saves me time from looking up terms on Google in the middle of cooking! I'm also learning how to do things more efficiently.
Now that I'm making fresh meals I realized that I could be baking cakes and pies from scratch as well! I've always made brownies and cookies from scratch, never from mixes or pre-made dough but it never occurred to me to make other desserts from scratch as well. So now I make cakes, icing and fillings from scratch as well. Not only does it all taste better but it's better for you too! No trans fat and nothing "fake" about it. I like knowing what I'm putting in my food and I like telling people that this is the real deal; it's not store bought! If any of you want recipes let me know, I'm happy to share. And if any of you want a cake I can not only bake it but I can decorate it too!
I'm still trying to get back to my decorating hobby. I wish I had more time to practice. I'm making a cake for my sister's baby shower and I got a really creative idea for it. I'm hoping it will work out! If it does it will be my most creative one yet. :)
Well, now that all of you are good and hungry, I'm going to go ice some brownies for a party tonight! Good day!
Now that I'm making fresh meals I realized that I could be baking cakes and pies from scratch as well! I've always made brownies and cookies from scratch, never from mixes or pre-made dough but it never occurred to me to make other desserts from scratch as well. So now I make cakes, icing and fillings from scratch as well. Not only does it all taste better but it's better for you too! No trans fat and nothing "fake" about it. I like knowing what I'm putting in my food and I like telling people that this is the real deal; it's not store bought! If any of you want recipes let me know, I'm happy to share. And if any of you want a cake I can not only bake it but I can decorate it too!
I'm still trying to get back to my decorating hobby. I wish I had more time to practice. I'm making a cake for my sister's baby shower and I got a really creative idea for it. I'm hoping it will work out! If it does it will be my most creative one yet. :)
Well, now that all of you are good and hungry, I'm going to go ice some brownies for a party tonight! Good day!
Friday, October 15, 2010
There is No Escape
I am not your normal young woman but what is "normal" anyway?
I was raised by two wonderful parents who taught me to work hard, stay disciplined, to not always take the easy way out, to be honest, faithful, and think for myself. I was home schooled and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Contrary to popular belief I did not grow up in a closet nor was my life perfect bliss. I get good grades and do well in school not because I'm highly intelligent but because I work really hard for what I want. The only thing that comes easy to me is writing, being critical and being angry...though I try to control those last two. I am very opinionated and my mouth gets me in trouble from time to time. When I speak, I am blunt and to the point which makes it hard to take into consideration other people's feelings beforehand but is great for teaching. I have learned to listen well and good before speaking but I could improve. I could improve a lot.
I love to read, write, learn, and teach. I am a perfectionist and hold high standards for myself. . .I fail often. Other people fail me too because I expect more out of them then they will give. I've come to terms with that though and try to find balance.
I love theology. I go to a Bible college and am very passionate about my beliefs. I am so thankful for my education because without it I would not be where I am today; not in my understanding of Jesus Christ, the Gospel, and all things theological, and not in my own mental, physical and spiritual growth. I have much still to learn. I am still not where I know I need to be spiritually. It is a never ending process. I will never be enough on this Earth.
I have found that the hardest thing for me to do is to love people. I am very work focused. I get things done but my relationships tend to fall by the wayside. Amazingly enough God has blessed me with a husband and though I struggle to be a good wife for him, I love him so much and am so thankful for him. It is hard for me to show him and my words aren't always enough.
As you can see, I am far from perfect, but this is me. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it but this is who I am and there is no escape. I hold onto hope and onto God's plan. For whatever reason He saved me, and for whatever reason my husband loves me, so for this I live and continue to learn and grow and be better. It will take a lifetime.
There is No Escape
I can never shut off my mind
I live and relive
The things of yesterday, today and tomorrow
For I cannot escape
That which plagues my mind
That causes me dread
That which takes place in my own head -- me
The me no one knows
The me that thinks those thoughts
And ponders those secret wonders
The me that is better yet worse than I appear
The me who is constantly in fear
I wish I could turn it off
I wish I could get away
But myself is always there,
It will forever stay
There is no escape
There is no escape
I was raised by two wonderful parents who taught me to work hard, stay disciplined, to not always take the easy way out, to be honest, faithful, and think for myself. I was home schooled and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Contrary to popular belief I did not grow up in a closet nor was my life perfect bliss. I get good grades and do well in school not because I'm highly intelligent but because I work really hard for what I want. The only thing that comes easy to me is writing, being critical and being angry...though I try to control those last two. I am very opinionated and my mouth gets me in trouble from time to time. When I speak, I am blunt and to the point which makes it hard to take into consideration other people's feelings beforehand but is great for teaching. I have learned to listen well and good before speaking but I could improve. I could improve a lot.
I love to read, write, learn, and teach. I am a perfectionist and hold high standards for myself. . .I fail often. Other people fail me too because I expect more out of them then they will give. I've come to terms with that though and try to find balance.
I love theology. I go to a Bible college and am very passionate about my beliefs. I am so thankful for my education because without it I would not be where I am today; not in my understanding of Jesus Christ, the Gospel, and all things theological, and not in my own mental, physical and spiritual growth. I have much still to learn. I am still not where I know I need to be spiritually. It is a never ending process. I will never be enough on this Earth.
I have found that the hardest thing for me to do is to love people. I am very work focused. I get things done but my relationships tend to fall by the wayside. Amazingly enough God has blessed me with a husband and though I struggle to be a good wife for him, I love him so much and am so thankful for him. It is hard for me to show him and my words aren't always enough.
As you can see, I am far from perfect, but this is me. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate it but this is who I am and there is no escape. I hold onto hope and onto God's plan. For whatever reason He saved me, and for whatever reason my husband loves me, so for this I live and continue to learn and grow and be better. It will take a lifetime.
There is No Escape
I can never shut off my mind
I live and relive
The things of yesterday, today and tomorrow
For I cannot escape
That which plagues my mind
That causes me dread
That which takes place in my own head -- me
The me no one knows
The me that thinks those thoughts
And ponders those secret wonders
The me that is better yet worse than I appear
The me who is constantly in fear
I wish I could turn it off
I wish I could get away
But myself is always there,
It will forever stay
There is no escape
There is no escape
Saturday, October 9, 2010
My Favorite Time of Year
October is here! The weather is getting cooler (even if it is only in the low 80's here in Texas), the sun is retreating earlier, and Fall is in the air! I love the Fall and Winter seasons. I love the feeling of anticipation, excitement, and coziness I get when this time of year rolls around. The holidays are just around the corner and though a lot of people get all bent out of shape about it, I just get excited! I don't know how anyone could NOT like the holidays. I love everything about it, always have, probably always will. If Kyle and I could have waited long enough I would have wanted to get married in October or November but we just couldn't wait! My longing to be Mrs. Kerby trumped my desire for the ideal wedding. Besides, November already has something special to celebrate (besides Thanksgiving, that is). My birthday! That's probably another reason I like this time of year so much!
This holiday season will be different. I'll have a husband to spend it with and that is special to me. Last season was very difficult for me, I wasn't able to enjoy the holidays like I usually do, but this year, it will be so much better. Though last year was not a good time for me, there was a blessing and joy amidst the heartache. I met Kyle on December 6th. He helped me through the process of healing and letting go. And though my favorite time was tainted that year, Kyle brought with him a little bit of hope. The moment I met him I somehow knew that I could trust him. Kyle possessed a comfort and security that I had never known before in a man. Through the month of December and into January Kyle talked to me everyday and helped me through my time of heart break. This is another reason why this time of year is so special to me. Not only do I remember through these upcoming months of the hope that Jesus gave through his life, death and resurrection which we celebrate through Christmas, but now I remember of a hope that God gave me through a man who became my husband. All of the hope, joy, fun and laughter that I experience during my favorite time of year, through the songs, lights, decorations, the food, the weather, the holiday specials on TV and the holiday spirit, reminds me of the hope and joy I have in Jesus Christ. This may sound odd to you but that's what it is for me, that's why I enjoy this time of year so much. There are so many good memories associated with this time of year and now I can make more good memories with the husband that I love so much.
So, to all you scrooges out there: there is joy to be had during this time of year so stop being so scroogy and find it!
This holiday season will be different. I'll have a husband to spend it with and that is special to me. Last season was very difficult for me, I wasn't able to enjoy the holidays like I usually do, but this year, it will be so much better. Though last year was not a good time for me, there was a blessing and joy amidst the heartache. I met Kyle on December 6th. He helped me through the process of healing and letting go. And though my favorite time was tainted that year, Kyle brought with him a little bit of hope. The moment I met him I somehow knew that I could trust him. Kyle possessed a comfort and security that I had never known before in a man. Through the month of December and into January Kyle talked to me everyday and helped me through my time of heart break. This is another reason why this time of year is so special to me. Not only do I remember through these upcoming months of the hope that Jesus gave through his life, death and resurrection which we celebrate through Christmas, but now I remember of a hope that God gave me through a man who became my husband. All of the hope, joy, fun and laughter that I experience during my favorite time of year, through the songs, lights, decorations, the food, the weather, the holiday specials on TV and the holiday spirit, reminds me of the hope and joy I have in Jesus Christ. This may sound odd to you but that's what it is for me, that's why I enjoy this time of year so much. There are so many good memories associated with this time of year and now I can make more good memories with the husband that I love so much.
So, to all you scrooges out there: there is joy to be had during this time of year so stop being so scroogy and find it!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
White Harvest Seed Company
Hello readers!
If any of you are interested in gardening and producing your own veggies, herbs and greens, you should check out White Harvest Seed Company! They are a family owned business based in Missouri. They own a farm where they grow their own produce and are passionate about encouraging people to better feed their families with self-grown produce which they have termed "a simplier, more self-sufficient way of life." White Harvest is run by a good friend of mine and her family so I am confident they know what they are talking about! They offer seeds, gardening books, antiques and more on their website. They also offer as a free service to design your garden layout! If I had my own place and the time to do it I would totally be hooked! Please check them out!
You can find and follow them on Facebook as White Harvest Seed Company.
The website is:
www.whiteharvestseed.com
Happy gardening! :)
If any of you are interested in gardening and producing your own veggies, herbs and greens, you should check out White Harvest Seed Company! They are a family owned business based in Missouri. They own a farm where they grow their own produce and are passionate about encouraging people to better feed their families with self-grown produce which they have termed "a simplier, more self-sufficient way of life." White Harvest is run by a good friend of mine and her family so I am confident they know what they are talking about! They offer seeds, gardening books, antiques and more on their website. They also offer as a free service to design your garden layout! If I had my own place and the time to do it I would totally be hooked! Please check them out!
You can find and follow them on Facebook as White Harvest Seed Company.
The website is:
www.whiteharvestseed.com
Happy gardening! :)
Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep...
...and I lie there for hours, awake, unable to sleep.
This has been my experience for the past few weeks and it is getting very old. At first I was just hoping it was a temporary thing because sleep trouble has always been an issue for me but it seems to come and go. This has lasted for weeks though. I lie there, tired and yawning, but unable to fall asleep. It's usually sometime between 3 and 5 when I finally fall asleep and then I don't wake up til sometime between 12 and 1. This sleeping pattern is screwing up my days and making me feel very emotional and cranky. It's not even restful sleep because I'm still tired and low on energy all day. It's so frustrating because there seems to be no easy solution. Tylenol PM will knock me out but I can't be taking that every night. I've done some research and there doesn't seem to be any safe sleep aid because there are side affects and always the possibility of becoming dependant on pills. Not being able to fall alseep runs in my family among the women. My mom and all my sisters struggle with it as well. I'm not sure what the reason is for each of them but it seems to be our inability to turn our minds off at night. I know that's what it is for me for sure. I have an overactive mind that will NOT stop thinking. Even when I try to focus on just one thought that just leads to other thoughts without me even realizing it at first. It just makes me frustrated, tense, stressed out and upset. It bothers me that I can't just lay down and be asleep within twenty minutes like I'm suppose to. I've looked up different things I can do to help me fall asleep faster and get better sleep but none of them are very convienant. If I've been laying in bed for 15 minutes I'm suppose to get out of bed and do something else without any bright lights or stimulating activity. How is that even possible...especially with other people in the house whom I don't want to wake or bother. I'm not suppose to watch TV before bed but that's the only time Kyle and I have time to watch Lost which is something we're doing together. I'm suppose to go to bed at the same time every night but that restricts my ability to be flexible and spend time with my husband. Plus, I don't like to go to bed without Kyle and he isn't use to going to sleep at 10 or 11 o'clock at night. Last night I got in bed at 9 because I was so frustrated and upset and just wanted/needed a normal night's sleep. Two hours later I was still awake and feeling awful. Kyle came to bed to try to help me and I was able to relax but still could not fall asleep. So Kyle found a recording of a thunderstorm and set it to run for an hour. Interestingly enough that actually helped because it gave my mind something neutral to focus on. Normally my mind will run everywhere and focus only on thoughts and memories that upset me. I guess I don't have very good control of my mind but I don't know what to do about that either. I'll probably keep using the thunderstorm noise to focus on and see if it makes any difference over the next few nights. I also found a Bible verse to memorize and recite to myself over and over. It did help one night. I just can't keep this kind of sleep pattern up and I've become extremely irritated by it. It makes me stressed out, depressed, and completely worn out. Please pray for me.
"I will lie down and sleep peacefully, for you, Lord, make me safe and secure." - Psalm 4:8
This has been my experience for the past few weeks and it is getting very old. At first I was just hoping it was a temporary thing because sleep trouble has always been an issue for me but it seems to come and go. This has lasted for weeks though. I lie there, tired and yawning, but unable to fall asleep. It's usually sometime between 3 and 5 when I finally fall asleep and then I don't wake up til sometime between 12 and 1. This sleeping pattern is screwing up my days and making me feel very emotional and cranky. It's not even restful sleep because I'm still tired and low on energy all day. It's so frustrating because there seems to be no easy solution. Tylenol PM will knock me out but I can't be taking that every night. I've done some research and there doesn't seem to be any safe sleep aid because there are side affects and always the possibility of becoming dependant on pills. Not being able to fall alseep runs in my family among the women. My mom and all my sisters struggle with it as well. I'm not sure what the reason is for each of them but it seems to be our inability to turn our minds off at night. I know that's what it is for me for sure. I have an overactive mind that will NOT stop thinking. Even when I try to focus on just one thought that just leads to other thoughts without me even realizing it at first. It just makes me frustrated, tense, stressed out and upset. It bothers me that I can't just lay down and be asleep within twenty minutes like I'm suppose to. I've looked up different things I can do to help me fall asleep faster and get better sleep but none of them are very convienant. If I've been laying in bed for 15 minutes I'm suppose to get out of bed and do something else without any bright lights or stimulating activity. How is that even possible...especially with other people in the house whom I don't want to wake or bother. I'm not suppose to watch TV before bed but that's the only time Kyle and I have time to watch Lost which is something we're doing together. I'm suppose to go to bed at the same time every night but that restricts my ability to be flexible and spend time with my husband. Plus, I don't like to go to bed without Kyle and he isn't use to going to sleep at 10 or 11 o'clock at night. Last night I got in bed at 9 because I was so frustrated and upset and just wanted/needed a normal night's sleep. Two hours later I was still awake and feeling awful. Kyle came to bed to try to help me and I was able to relax but still could not fall asleep. So Kyle found a recording of a thunderstorm and set it to run for an hour. Interestingly enough that actually helped because it gave my mind something neutral to focus on. Normally my mind will run everywhere and focus only on thoughts and memories that upset me. I guess I don't have very good control of my mind but I don't know what to do about that either. I'll probably keep using the thunderstorm noise to focus on and see if it makes any difference over the next few nights. I also found a Bible verse to memorize and recite to myself over and over. It did help one night. I just can't keep this kind of sleep pattern up and I've become extremely irritated by it. It makes me stressed out, depressed, and completely worn out. Please pray for me.
"I will lie down and sleep peacefully, for you, Lord, make me safe and secure." - Psalm 4:8
Thursday, September 23, 2010
The Things I Ask Myself
1. Why does Dad, being a 50 something year old man, fail to clean up after himself?
2. Why am I the only one who puts the toilet paper roles in their holders instead of just putting them on the counter like everyone else in this house.
3. Why am I the only one who puts things where they belong?
4. Why does Trudy follow me everywhere I go?
5. Why is it that people think that just wiping a disinfectant wipe over a surface makes it clean?
6. Why do people eat cheese out of a can? That's nasty.
7. Why does it take me 2 hours to cook a stinkin meal?!
8. Why don't students pay attention in class and read their syllabus so they know what the heck they're doing?! It's really not that hard people.
9. Am I the only one who schedules out her day point by point?
10. Why does Kyle pile his stuff on the dresser instead of putting it back where he found it or finding a proper place for it?
The answer to these questions is simple: My mom. Now that I have more responsibilities and things and people to take care of, I find myself functioning the same way my Mom did when I was young. The way I am, the way I clean the house, the way I cook from scratch, the way I learn, is all because of the way my mom raised me. I was brought up to clean up after myself, to put the toilet paper role in the holder (that's what it's there for afterall), to put things in their place because everything HAS a place (my shoes go in the cloest because the living room or bedroom floor is NOT the closet). I was brought up to clean hardcore. We didn't mop. We filled a bucket with hot water and vinegar, moved the furnature to the other room, got down on our hands and knees and scrubbed the floor until it was clean. My mom never bought that squirt cheese. We ate real cheese. The only thing to eat out of a squirt bottle like that is whipped cream. It takes me two hours to cook a meal because I wasn't brought up on premade meals (plus I'm still learning). I was taught to pay attention in class, to be thorough and to be disciplined. I schedule my days because that's what my mom did. She made lists, kept a calendar, and I inherited that from her. If there were chores to be done she would make a list and designate each of us to a chore. I couldn't function without a detailed schedule and my lists of things to do. And as far as the piling goes, I can't really blame Kyle...I used to be in the habit of making piles too just because there was always so little space which is the problem here too...but when things DO have a place they need to be put back there!! I hate clutter!! haha Anyway...it's just interesting how the way I was brought up influences the way I am now. My mom pounded these things into me for years and I'll probably be pounding them into my kids one day too. Thanks, Mom! Maybe one day your grandkids will thank you too...if they're so fornuate to inherit, that is. ;)
2. Why am I the only one who puts the toilet paper roles in their holders instead of just putting them on the counter like everyone else in this house.
3. Why am I the only one who puts things where they belong?
4. Why does Trudy follow me everywhere I go?
5. Why is it that people think that just wiping a disinfectant wipe over a surface makes it clean?
6. Why do people eat cheese out of a can? That's nasty.
7. Why does it take me 2 hours to cook a stinkin meal?!
8. Why don't students pay attention in class and read their syllabus so they know what the heck they're doing?! It's really not that hard people.
9. Am I the only one who schedules out her day point by point?
10. Why does Kyle pile his stuff on the dresser instead of putting it back where he found it or finding a proper place for it?
The answer to these questions is simple: My mom. Now that I have more responsibilities and things and people to take care of, I find myself functioning the same way my Mom did when I was young. The way I am, the way I clean the house, the way I cook from scratch, the way I learn, is all because of the way my mom raised me. I was brought up to clean up after myself, to put the toilet paper role in the holder (that's what it's there for afterall), to put things in their place because everything HAS a place (my shoes go in the cloest because the living room or bedroom floor is NOT the closet). I was brought up to clean hardcore. We didn't mop. We filled a bucket with hot water and vinegar, moved the furnature to the other room, got down on our hands and knees and scrubbed the floor until it was clean. My mom never bought that squirt cheese. We ate real cheese. The only thing to eat out of a squirt bottle like that is whipped cream. It takes me two hours to cook a meal because I wasn't brought up on premade meals (plus I'm still learning). I was taught to pay attention in class, to be thorough and to be disciplined. I schedule my days because that's what my mom did. She made lists, kept a calendar, and I inherited that from her. If there were chores to be done she would make a list and designate each of us to a chore. I couldn't function without a detailed schedule and my lists of things to do. And as far as the piling goes, I can't really blame Kyle...I used to be in the habit of making piles too just because there was always so little space which is the problem here too...but when things DO have a place they need to be put back there!! I hate clutter!! haha Anyway...it's just interesting how the way I was brought up influences the way I am now. My mom pounded these things into me for years and I'll probably be pounding them into my kids one day too. Thanks, Mom! Maybe one day your grandkids will thank you too...if they're so fornuate to inherit, that is. ;)
Sunday, September 19, 2010
My Beloved
"My beloved is mine and I am his...." - Song of Solomon 2:16a
There are times when I get so caught up in the things I have to do that I forget to count my husband as a blessing. Sometimes I focus so much on my goals for the day or the week that I put on tunnel vision and simply live to meet those goals. Sometimes I get so caught up that I forget to greet my husband with a smile and a kiss. I get frustrated and tired and cranky that I'll take it out on him because he's there. I'm not sure what snaps me out of it but there are times when I remember how much of a blessing Kyle is. His birthday did it to me this time. He turned 27 on Friday and all week he acted like a kid. He kept begging Mom for his presents and was so excited about his birthday. It got kind of annoying after a while but we all ended up enjoying the day. I kept thinking about how blessed I am that I can celebrate the day my husband was born. I'm so thankful that God gave Kyle life and then after 26 years He gave him to me. I am amazed again and again how perfectly Kyle and I are made for each other. We don't always see eye to eye but I could not have another man as a husband. Kyle is so patient and understanding. He is just what I need and God knows that very well. When everything settles down for the day and I begin to *try* to relax, I see and feel him sitting there next to me and I remember to cherish him. I remember to be grateful for the ability to cuddle up next to him, hold his hand, talk to him. I adore him in a way that every wife should adore her husband. I hope that after 20, 30, 40 and more years of marriage that I will still adore him. I never want to be the kind of wife that speaks bad of her husband. I believe wives should speak truthfully (because I understand the need to vent) but not in a disrepectful, unloving way. I've heard wives talk about their husbands and rarely do I hear them say how much they love and adore them. I hope that I never become that kind of wife - mad, bitter and exhausted. Kyle is a great husband and I love him so much. I am so thankful for his life and his love. He is my beloved and I am his...and I am so incredibly blessed.
There are times when I get so caught up in the things I have to do that I forget to count my husband as a blessing. Sometimes I focus so much on my goals for the day or the week that I put on tunnel vision and simply live to meet those goals. Sometimes I get so caught up that I forget to greet my husband with a smile and a kiss. I get frustrated and tired and cranky that I'll take it out on him because he's there. I'm not sure what snaps me out of it but there are times when I remember how much of a blessing Kyle is. His birthday did it to me this time. He turned 27 on Friday and all week he acted like a kid. He kept begging Mom for his presents and was so excited about his birthday. It got kind of annoying after a while but we all ended up enjoying the day. I kept thinking about how blessed I am that I can celebrate the day my husband was born. I'm so thankful that God gave Kyle life and then after 26 years He gave him to me. I am amazed again and again how perfectly Kyle and I are made for each other. We don't always see eye to eye but I could not have another man as a husband. Kyle is so patient and understanding. He is just what I need and God knows that very well. When everything settles down for the day and I begin to *try* to relax, I see and feel him sitting there next to me and I remember to cherish him. I remember to be grateful for the ability to cuddle up next to him, hold his hand, talk to him. I adore him in a way that every wife should adore her husband. I hope that after 20, 30, 40 and more years of marriage that I will still adore him. I never want to be the kind of wife that speaks bad of her husband. I believe wives should speak truthfully (because I understand the need to vent) but not in a disrepectful, unloving way. I've heard wives talk about their husbands and rarely do I hear them say how much they love and adore them. I hope that I never become that kind of wife - mad, bitter and exhausted. Kyle is a great husband and I love him so much. I am so thankful for his life and his love. He is my beloved and I am his...and I am so incredibly blessed.
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